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182 Inspiring Quotes by Erma Bombeck

Welcome to our collection of quotes by Erma Bombeck.

Wikipedia Summary for Erma Bombeck

Erma Louise Bombeck (née Fiste; February 21, 1927 – April 22, 1996) was an American humorist who achieved great popularity for her syndicated newspaper humor column describing suburban home life from 1965 to 1996. She also published 15 books, most of which became bestsellers.

Between 1965 and April 17, 1996 – five days before her death – Bombeck wrote over 4,000 newspaper columns, using broad and sometimes eloquent humor, chronicling the ordinary life of a midwestern suburban housewife. By the 1970s, her columns were read semi-weekly by 30 million readers of the 900 newspapers in the U.S. and Canada.

person on road at sunset

People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.

--Erma Bombeck

bird's eye view photography of trees and body of water

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.

--Erma Bombeck

bird in the sky

What makes people laugh? ... It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give.

--Erma Bombeck


white swan on blue sea during daytime

To say, "Well, I write when I really get into it" is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something.

--Erma Bombeck

pink umbrella

Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.

--Erma Bombeck

None

Friends are "annuals" that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a "perennial" that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them.

--Erma Bombeck

black dragonfly perched on green grass in close up photography during daytime

There is only one thing harder in this world than forgiving. It's to ask forgiveness armed only with, 'I'm sorry'.

--Erma Bombeck

None

I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.

--Erma Bombeck

dog on pier at water

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.

--Erma Bombeck


None

When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, I used everything you gave me.

--Erma Bombeck

red rose

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.

--Erma Bombeck

None

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

--Erma Bombeck

milky way wallpaper

When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.

--Erma Bombeck


purple and green light digital wallpaper

What if they mispronounce my last name and everyone laughs? What if my teacher doesn't make her D's like Mom taught me? What if I spend the whole day without a friend?

--Erma Bombeck

A white stripe pattern made up of concrete facade ribs

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.

--Erma Bombeck

white and gray floral bed sheet

The ultimate in longevity is the Christmas fruitcake. It is a cake made during the holidays with fruits that make it heavier than the stove it is cooked in.

--Erma Bombeck

castle surrounded fog

Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.

--Erma Bombeck

silhouette of flower during sunset

I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.

--Erma Bombeck

yellow green leaf

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.

--Erma Bombeck

four wooden boat on teal sea

Never accept a drink from a urologist.

--Erma Bombeck

sea of white clouds

I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.

--Erma Bombeck


red textile in close up photography

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

--Erma Bombeck

sunset highway

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.

--Erma Bombeck

red and blue light digital wallpaper

Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it.

--Erma Bombeck



calm body of water and mountain

Housework can kill you if done right.

--Erma Bombeck

red textile in close up photography

We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, 'He wants his mother.'

--Erma Bombeck



sunset

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

--Erma Bombeck

mountains covered with fog

Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.

--Erma Bombeck

photo of about to bloom lotus flower

Every puppy should have a boy.

--Erma Bombeck

blue rose in close up photography

Not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals.

--Erma Bombeck


people raises hands

Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable.

--Erma Bombeck

grayscale photography of mountain surrounded by trees

Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a part in their lives.

--Erma Bombeck

snow covered mountain during daytime

Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.

--Erma Bombeck

blue wallpaper

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.

--Erma Bombeck

silhouette of man standing on rock while looking in sky

I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.

--Erma Bombeck

blue and white light digital wallpaper

Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him.

--Erma Bombeck

man and woman in cowboy hat

Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick."

--Erma Bombeck

brown and grey trees and rock formation painting

Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the "Titanic" who waved off the dessert cart.

--Erma Bombeck

black fawn pug playing with plush toy

I'm so bored. I went to the food locker yesterday to visit my meat.

--Erma Bombeck

purple and white clouds during night time

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

--Erma Bombeck

adobe wall

A fitting room to me has always been like a confessional ... where my body and my contrition take up the entire room.

--Erma Bombeck

person standing on top of mountain

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.

--Erma Bombeck

None

Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.

--Erma Bombeck

pink and yellow flower painting

Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.

--Erma Bombeck

lion on green grass during golden hour

A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel.

--Erma Bombeck

silver round analog wall clock

If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.

--Erma Bombeck

blue ocean

A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.

--Erma Bombeck

woman standing on cliff

I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.

--Erma Bombeck

man and woman with bone fire sitting on seashore

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.

--Erma Bombeck

rainbow

It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.

--Erma Bombeck

photo og calm body of water

The grass is always greener over the septic tank.

--Erma Bombeck


None

No doubt about it... every day in every way my game grows stronger. I saw one enthusiast the other day playing with his racket out of the press. I'll have to try that.

--Erma Bombeck

green water in close up photography

Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.

--Erma Bombeck

nebulas

Throughout the years I have set up my own rules about eating food: Never eat anything you can't pronounce. Beware of food that is described as, "Some Americans say it tastes like chicken.

--Erma Bombeck

purple petaled flower

I lost everything in the post-natal depression.

--Erma Bombeck

raindrops on clear window

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.

--Erma Bombeck

low angle photography of purple sky

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?

--Erma Bombeck

Longer Version:

What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving.


yellow flower field under clear sky

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.

--Erma Bombeck

white pendant lamp

With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.

--Erma Bombeck

None

It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: This will vary with your microwave. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.

--Erma Bombeck

woman in black shirt walking on sidewalk near brown concrete wall partition

The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?

--Erma Bombeck

brown grass on brown sand under blue sky during daytime

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.

--Erma Bombeck

aerial photography of mountain range covered with snow under white and blue sky at daytime

Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.

--Erma Bombeck

selective focus photography of stones on sand

No One Diets on Thanksgiving.

--Erma Bombeck

None

Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.

--Erma Bombeck

blue and white striped textile

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

--Erma Bombeck


palm trees covered with fog

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

--Erma Bombeck


white and black boat on sea during daytime

When humor goes, there goes civilization.

--Erma Bombeck

raging waves through shores

The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight.

--Erma Bombeck

red yellow and blue paint

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.

--Erma Bombeck

photo of gray elephant on grass

The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.

--Erma Bombeck

sunset with storm clouds

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.

--Erma Bombeck

low-angle photo of white daisy

One son appears in stereo -- a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other.

--Erma Bombeck

multicolored heart LED light on wall

Grandparenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children.

--Erma Bombeck

brown and gray floral textile

Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.

--Erma Bombeck


selective focus photography of Russian Blue cat

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.

--Erma Bombeck

Longer Version:

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.


brown rocky mountain under blue sky during daytime

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.

--Erma Bombeck

silhouette photo of aurora borealis

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.

--Erma Bombeck

orange moon during nighttime

In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television.

--Erma Bombeck

pen on brown board

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.

--Erma Bombeck

Arizona landscape pines

The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar.

--Erma Bombeck


boy standing on grass and facing fence during daytime

My idea of 'roughing it' is when you have to have an extension for your electric blanket.

--Erma Bombeck


high-angle photography of mountain at sunset

I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up in a sink shaped like a seashell.

--Erma Bombeck

green and white bird on black wire during daytime

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.

--Erma Bombeck

high-angle photography of beach side

If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.

--Erma Bombeck

sunset highway

If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.

--Erma Bombeck

aerial photography of forest

Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.

--Erma Bombeck

three person looking stars and milky way

I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.

--Erma Bombeck


coconut tree near body of water

I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby.

--Erma Bombeck

2 people riding on boat during sunset

All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.

--Erma Bombeck

white wall paint with black shadow

Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint -- like a heartbeat. And pure love -- why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.

--Erma Bombeck

silhouette of stones during golden hour

I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the Moment. Just possibly, she may be the wisest woman on this planet.

--Erma Bombeck

white swan on blue sea during daytime

Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions; it's a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being.

--Erma Bombeck

green trees near lake under cloudy sky during daytime

A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.

--Erma Bombeck


yellow sunflower in bloom plantation

Why take pride in cooking, when they don't take pride in eating?

--Erma Bombeck

time lapse photography body of water

One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone.

--Erma Bombeck

snow covered mountain under blue sky during daytime

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.

--Erma Bombeck

grassland landscape

God created man, but I could do better.

--Erma Bombeck

None

Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.

--Erma Bombeck




green leafed plants on forest

The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track?

--Erma Bombeck

None

Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say 'What light?' and two more to say, 'I didn't turn it on.'

--Erma Bombeck

leafless tree on snow covered ground

In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans.

--Erma Bombeck

photo of underwater

Never loan your car to anyone to whom you've given birth.

--Erma Bombeck

rainbow

House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.

--Erma Bombeck



two blue beach chairs near body of water

Graduation day is tough for adults.
They go to the ceremony as parents.
They come home as contemporaries.
After twenty-two years of child-raising,
they are unemployed.

--Erma Bombeck

tilt shift lens pink fetal flowers

When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.

--Erma Bombeck

yellow flower field near mountain during daytime

You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.

--Erma Bombeck

Arizona landscape

One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.

--Erma Bombeck

black bird on brown tree branch during daytime

Laugh now, cry later.

--Erma Bombeck


red rose illustration

Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.

--Erma Bombeck

brown sand beach during daytime

The term 'working mother' is redundant.

--Erma Bombeck



empty seashore near high-rise building

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?

--Erma Bombeck

yellow labrador retriever puppy sitting on floor

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.

--Erma Bombeck

Longer Version:

No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.


green leafed plant on clear glass vase filled with water

It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive.

--Erma Bombeck


None

My mother won't admit it, but I've always been a disappointment to her. Deep down inside, she'll never forgive herself for giving birth to a daughter who refuses to launder aluminium foil and use it over again.

--Erma Bombeck

woman standing on beachfront

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.

--Erma Bombeck

woman in brown long sleeve shirt and blue denim jeans

Never have more children than you have car windows.

--Erma Bombeck

None

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.

--Erma Bombeck

woman wearing black top standing near yellow wall

I never go to a college reunion that I don't come away feeling sorry for all those paunchy, balding jocks trying to hang onto youth. I feel sorry for the men, too.

--Erma Bombeck

close up shot of white flower

My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.

--Erma Bombeck

blue and white light digital wallpaper

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

--Erma Bombeck

group of penguins standing on white snow covered ground near body of water during daytime

She's as funny as a toothache.

--Erma Bombeck

2 people riding on boat during sunset

Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each.

--Erma Bombeck

group of people inside the room in grayscale photo

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.

--Erma Bombeck

brown wooden door

Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wore a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and thirty days later looked like a well-dressed thermometer.

--Erma Bombeck

woman carrying baby while walking

Families aren't easy to join. They're like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant.

--Erma Bombeck

forest trees photograph

With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane.

--Erma Bombeck

silhouette of a woman with pink and purple sky

We even switched to a newly-formed church across the town that gave one hundred and twenty trading stamps each time we attended. (We now worship a brown and white chicken with a sunburst on its chest.).

--Erma Bombeck

Arizona landscape

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?

--Erma Bombeck


shallow focus photography of hummingbird sucking nectar in flower

He who laughs.....lasts.

--Erma Bombeck

yellow flower field under clear sky

If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

--Erma Bombeck



man in black and white striped shirt sitting on brown rock during daytime

Never underestimate what it takes to watch someone you love in pain.

--Erma Bombeck

pink petaled flowers under trees at daytime

What does it profit a 78-year-old woman to sit around the pool in a bikini if she cannot feed herself?

--Erma Bombeck


landscape photo of waters, mountains, and black clouds

There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.

--Erma Bombeck


shoreline during golden hour

Time. It hangs heavy for the bored, eludes the busy, flies by the for young, and runs out for the aged.

--Erma Bombeck

aerial photography of forest

It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.

--Erma Bombeck

low angle photography of gray concrete building

I loved you enough to let you stumble, fall, hurt, and fail.

--Erma Bombeck


yellow green leaf

A grandparent will help you with your buttons, your zippers, and your shoelaces and not be in any hurry for you to grow up.

--Erma Bombeck

full-moon above snow-capped mountain painting

For the first two years of a child's life, we spend every waking hour tryibg to get the child to communicate. Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out how we can reverse the process.

--Erma Bombeck

photography of white wall lot

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.

--Erma Bombeck



brown and black leaf in close up photography

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.

--Erma Bombeck

leafless tree on body of water during daytime

I hated skiing or any other sport where there was an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.

--Erma Bombeck

pink, red, and black digital wallpaper

We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.

--Erma Bombeck


white brick wall planning

Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.

--Erma Bombeck

panoramic photography of mountains

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.

--Erma Bombeck

silhouette of a woman with pink and purple sky

With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them.

--Erma Bombeck

brown mountain

I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, "Never mind! I'll do it myself.

--Erma Bombeck

We wish you a perfect day!