People usually survive their illnesses, but the paper work eventually does them in. Filing a claim for insurance is terminal.
Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
What makes people laugh? ... It's a happy marriage between a person who needs to laugh and someone who's got one to give.
To say, "Well, I write when I really get into it" is a bunch of bull. Put the paper in the typewriter, stare at it a long time, get snowblindness if you have to, but write something.
Don't worry about who doesn't like you, who has more, or who's doing what.
Friends are "annuals" that need seasonal nurturing to bear blossoms. Family is a "perennial" that comes up year after year, enduring the droughts of absence and neglect. There's a place in the garden for both of them.
There is only one thing harder in this world than forgiving. It's to ask forgiveness armed only with, 'I'm sorry'.
I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired for an affair.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, I used everything you gave me.
Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
When you're lecturing teenagers and they begin to hum and leave the room, you can sense there is hostility.
What if they mispronounce my last name and everyone laughs? What if my teacher doesn't make her D's like Mom taught me? What if I spend the whole day without a friend?
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
The ultimate in longevity is the Christmas fruitcake. It is a cake made during the holidays with fruits that make it heavier than the stove it is cooked in.
Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that outlasts the payments.
I just clipped 2 articles from a current magazine. One is a diet guaranteed to drop 5 pounds off my body in a weekend. The other is a recipe for a 6 minute pecan pie.
When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
Never accept a drink from a urologist.
I don't know why no one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet-tissue spindle giving 1-2-3 directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know what Mama knows.
My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages is not easy.
Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it.
Housework can kill you if done right.
We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, 'He wants his mother.'
The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.
Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
Every puppy should have a boy.
Not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals.
Kids need love the most when they're acting most unlovable.
Once you see the drivers in Indonesia you understand why religion plays such a part in their lives.
Next to hot chicken soup, a tattoo of an anchor on your chest, and penicillin, I consider a honeymoon one of the most overrated events in the world.
Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
I worry about scientists discovering that lettuce has been fattening all along.
Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him.
Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick."
Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the "Titanic" who waved off the dessert cart.
I'm so bored. I went to the food locker yesterday to visit my meat.
My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
A fitting room to me has always been like a confessional ... where my body and my contrition take up the entire room.
I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
Remember, you can lead a fifty-seven-year-old body to motherhood, but you can't make it stay awake.
Laughter rises out of tragedy when you need it the most, and rewards you for your courage.
A kitchen without an ironing board? Are you kidding? It's un-American. It's like Simon without Garfunkel.
If I had my life to live over I would have burned the pink candle sculpted like a rose before it melted in storage.
A grandmother pretends she doesn't know who you are on Halloween.
I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of the hill.
Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
It is my theory you can't get rid of fat. All you can do is move it around, like furniture.
The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
No doubt about it... every day in every way my game grows stronger. I saw one enthusiast the other day playing with his racket out of the press. I'll have to try that.
Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.
Throughout the years I have set up my own rules about eating food: Never eat anything you can't pronounce. Beware of food that is described as, "Some Americans say it tastes like chicken.
I lost everything in the post-natal depression.
Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
What we're really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving.
It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
With all the precautions and risks that accompany sex today, it sounds about as much fun as walking through a minefield.
It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy, as each one will have a disclaimer: This will vary with your microwave. Loosely translated, this means, You're on your own, Bernice.
The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?
Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public. It's too controversial.
No One Diets on Thanksgiving.
Maybe age is kinder to us than we think. With my bad eyes, I can't see how bad I look, and with my rotten memory, I have a good excuse for getting out of a lot of stuff.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
When humor goes, there goes civilization.
The mole rat is the only rodent born without a fur coat. With a good lawyer, someone would pay for that little oversight.
If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.
I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
One son appears in stereo -- a transistor in one ear and the phone in the other.
Grandparenthood is one of life's rewards for surviving your own children.
Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's unbridled, its unplanned, it's full of suprises.
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat. A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday. A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.
A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for her birthday.
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -- and he's a priest.
In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced on television.
People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow.
The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar.
My idea of 'roughing it' is when you have to have an extension for your electric blanket.
I have paid as much as $300 a night to throw up in a sink shaped like a seashell.
There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
If I had my life to live over, instead of wishing away nine months of pregnancy, I'd have cherished ever moment and realized that the wonderment growing inside me was the only chance in life to assist God in a miracle.
If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
I would have invited friends over to dinner even if the carpet was stained, or the sofa faded.
I've always felt there are two things a woman should never do after the age of thirty-five: stand in natural light and have a baby.
All of a sudden, I feel very old and very tired. Maybe when I get to California, the smog, brush fires, floods, and earthquakes will cheer me up.
Some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint -- like a heartbeat. And pure love -- why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there.
I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the Moment. Just possibly, she may be the wisest woman on this planet.
Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions; it's a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being.
A member of the committee slapped a name tag over my left bosom. "What shall we name the other one?" I smiled. She was not amused.
Why take pride in cooking, when they don't take pride in eating?
One certainty when you travel is the moment you arrive in a foreign country, the American dollar will fall like a stone.
In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
God created man, but I could do better.
Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.
The hippopotamus is a vegetarian and looks like a wall. Lions who eat only red meat are sleek and slim. Are nutritionists on the wrong track?
Have you any idea how many children it takes to turn off one light in the kitchen? Three. It takes one to say 'What light?' and two more to say, 'I didn't turn it on.'
In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans.
Never loan your car to anyone to whom you've given birth.
House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and they go bad.
Graduation day is tough for adults.
They go to the ceremony as parents.
They come home as contemporaries.
After twenty-two years of child-raising,
they are unemployed.
When children reach the age of sixteen, they discover the meaning of life: car keys.
You show me a boy who brings a snake home to his mother and I'll show you an orphan.
One never realizes how different a husband and wife can be until they begin to pack for a trip.
Laugh now, cry later.
Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.
The term 'working mother' is redundant.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed.
No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
It was a bitter moment for us. We weren't two mature parents. We were just two kids playing grown-up. We still needed Mommy and Daddy's permission, blessings, and money to survive.
My mother won't admit it, but I've always been a disappointment to her. Deep down inside, she'll never forgive herself for giving birth to a daughter who refuses to launder aluminium foil and use it over again.
Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
I never go to a college reunion that I don't come away feeling sorry for all those paunchy, balding jocks trying to hang onto youth. I feel sorry for the men, too.
My sister and I never engaged in sibling rivalry. Our parents weren't that crazy about either one of us.
On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
She's as funny as a toothache.
Maybe you know why a child can reject a hot dog with mustard served on a soft bun at home, yet eat six of them two hours later at fifty cents each.
It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wore a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and thirty days later looked like a well-dressed thermometer.
Families aren't easy to join. They're like an exclusive country club where membership makes impossible demands and the dues for an outsider are exorbitant.
With boys, you always know where you stand. Right in the path of a hurricane.
We even switched to a newly-formed church across the town that gave one hundred and twenty trading stamps each time we attended. (We now worship a brown and white chicken with a sunburst on its chest.).
What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
He who laughs.....lasts.
If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.
Never underestimate what it takes to watch someone you love in pain.
What does it profit a 78-year-old woman to sit around the pool in a bikini if she cannot feed herself?
There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
Time. It hangs heavy for the bored, eludes the busy, flies by the for young, and runs out for the aged.
It's frightening to wake up one morning and discover that while you were asleep you went out of style.
I loved you enough to let you stumble, fall, hurt, and fail.
A grandparent will help you with your buttons, your zippers, and your shoelaces and not be in any hurry for you to grow up.
For the first two years of a child's life, we spend every waking hour tryibg to get the child to communicate. Then we spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out how we can reverse the process.
Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
I hated skiing or any other sport where there was an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
Volunteers are the only human beings on the face of the earth who reflect this nation's compassion, unselfish caring, patience, and just plain love for one another.
Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
With girls, everything looks great on the surface. But beware of drawers that won't open. They contain a three-month supply of dirty underwear, unwashed hose, and rubber bands with blobs of hair in them.
I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, "Never mind! I'll do it myself.