When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.
I think, therefore I’m single.
A penny for your thoughts seems a little pricey.
Snack time heals all wounds.
Never floss with a stranger.
Good people drink good beer.
Divorces are made in heaven.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
Dogs have owners, cats have staff.
He's one fry short of a Happy Meal.
I married beneath me. All women do.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
Love is just a chocolate substitute.
Instant gratification takes too long.
Life is hard. After all, it kills you.
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
Man has his will, but woman has her way.
The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life.
Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.
I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.
Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
The more I know about men the more I like dogs.
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
A fool and his money are soon invited everywhere.
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
Decaffeinated coffee is kind of like kissing your sister.
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.
The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.
The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
Well, it's not the men in your life that counts, it's the life in your men.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Love is something sent from heaven to worry the hell out of you.
The road to success is always under construction.
Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.
Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.
Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family -- in another city.
Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.
Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.
True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.
My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.
If you must make a noise, make it quietly.
God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.
It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of people's vacations was considered a punishment.
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday, but never remembers her age.
What a kid I got -- I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
I'd like to live like a poor man -- only with lots of money.
I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.
Between two evils I always pick the one I never tried before.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
You know the trouble with real life? There's no danger music.
Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
Better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
You know that look that women have when they want to have sex? Me, either.
I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.
Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.
Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
Sign outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of.
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.
The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
I hate women because they always know where things are.
The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.
I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself.
Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.
Puns are the highest form of literature.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.
Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
What a nice night for an evening.
This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.
It's a strange myth that atheists have nothing to live for. It's the opposite. We have nothing to die for. We have everything to live for.
Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.
See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.
An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life.
The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget, but a pessimist forgets to laugh.
In God we trust; all others pay cash.
Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.
Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.
I am only human, although I regret it.
I drink to make other people more interesting.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. As in the words of Wayne Dyer, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. Sometimes to know with certainty that a particular thing is "true", will actually be the very thing that keeps you from attaining the things you seek to achieve.
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.
Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.
Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I can resist everything except temptation.
The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.
The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.
My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Has been misattributed to George Carlin but is not by him- his web site even confirmed such.
My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.
My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.
Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.
Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.
The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
All men are equal before fish.
I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.
What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.
Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.
A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.
Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.
Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.
We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.
If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.
Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
Political correctness is tyranny with manners.
You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.
The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.
The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.
The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.
Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.
Never have more children than you have car windows.
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.
Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.
It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.
Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.
Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
The best love affairs are those we never had.
The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.
I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.
Never let an angry sister comb your hair.
I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.
Good morning is a contradiction of terms.
Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.
A true friend stabs you in the front.
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe.
Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.
A man who marries a woman to educate her falls victim to the same fallacy as the woman who marries a man to reform him.
The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.
A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.
The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.
Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.
The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.
The Lord gave us two ends: one to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.
I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.
Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands -- and then eat just one of the pieces.
Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.
We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.
Sane is boring.
Looking fifty is great -- if you're sixty.
When I jog I joggle.
Reality: What a concept!
I'm addicted to placebos.
Love, honor, and negotiate.
Macho does not prove mucho.