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284 Famous Funny Tongue-in-Cheek Quotes

Classically funny quotes always bring a smile to one's day so we have assembled this list of the best classically funny tongue-in-cheek quotes to brighten your day. May they bring you some LOLs and maybe even a ROFL. (-: If you enjoy them, please share. Have a fabulously fun and funny day!


When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

--Rita Rudner

man and woman kissing

The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.

--Fred Allen

green leafed trees during daytime

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

--George Carlin

blue flower in close up photography

Tomorrow is often the busiest day of the week.

--Spanish Proverb

woman in white and multicolored floral shirt standing and smiling on yellow sunflower field

I think, therefore I’m single.

--Liz Winston

body of water under cloudy sky at night

A penny for your thoughts seems a little pricey.

--Unknown Author

green trees on forest during daytime

Snack time heals all wounds.

--Bridger Winegar


Never floss with a stranger.

--Joan Rivers

two mugs of brown liquids

Good people drink good beer.

--Hunter S. Thompson


Divorces are made in heaven.

--Oscar Wilde

fawn pug eating food

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

--George Carlin

Russian Blue cat sleeping on whit textile

Dogs have owners, cats have staff.

--Unknown Author

five children sitting on bench front of trees

He's one fry short of a Happy Meal.

--Rush Limbaugh

person holding hands

I married beneath me. All women do.

--Nancy Astor

white petaled flower bloom during daytime

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

--Will Rogers

boy wearing American flag print eyeglasses sticking his mouth open

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.

--Mark Twain

boat docked near house

Love is just a chocolate substitute.

--Melanie Clark Pullen

person's hand holding round silver analog watch with black leather strap

Instant gratification takes too long.

--Carrie Fisher

Oak Creek Sedona

Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

--Katharine Hepburn

four wooden boat on teal sea

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

--Groucho Marx

orange tabby cat on black textile

He who laughs last didn't get the joke.

--Charles de Gaulle

person wearing round black analog watch at 9:46

Man has his will, but woman has her way.

--Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

landscape photography of mountain

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.


cactus flowers

Alcohol is like Photoshop for real life.

--Will Ferrell

full-bloomed red and white tulip flowers

Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies.

--Adrienne Gusoff

green leaf in close up photography

I love mankind; it's people I can't stand.

--Charles M. Schulz

silhouette photography of mountains

Life is hard; it's harder if you're stupid.

--John Wayne

close up photography of moon

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

--George Burns

person with black tattoo on left hand

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

--Groucho Marx

person holding dried beans

The more I know about men the more I like dogs.

--Gloria Allred

gray hummingbird

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

--Phyllis Diller

selective focus photography of sunflower

Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

--Pauline Thomason

brown and black jazz guitar with dim light

A fool and his money are soon invited everywhere.

--Warren Buffett

pink and white flowers on white surface

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

--Phyllis Diller

feet in stream

If at first you don't succeed, blame your parents.

--Marcelene Cox

black and white duck on brown wooden dock during daytime

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.

--Henry Cate VII

person holding yellow sunflower bouquet

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

--W. C. Fields

man with LED headlight looking upward

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?

--Edgar Bergen

cat with flower

Decaffeinated coffee is kind of like kissing your sister.

--Bob Irwin

street lamp

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

--Stephen Colbert

shallow focus photography of brown parquet flooring

Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.

--Joan Rivers

woman singing on stage

The first day one is a guest, the second a burden, and the third a pest.

--Jean de la Bruyere

blue wooden door opened

The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.

--Albert Einstein

black, purple, and orange basketball court beside concrete buildings at daytime

The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.

--Erma Bombeck

person holding gray leaf

Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

--Mark Twain

crack in wall

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

--Rita Rudner

white ceramic mug with coffee on brown wooden table

Well, it's not the men in your life that counts, it's the life in your men.

--Mae West

blue ocean

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

--Steven Wright

elephants on green grass field during daytime

Love is something sent from heaven to worry the hell out of you.

--Dolly Parton

purple petaled flower

The road to success is always under construction.

--Arnold Palmer

man riding on boat on body of water

Leave something for someone but dont leave someone for something.

--Enid Blyton

green leafed seedlings on black plastic pots

Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.

--Rita Mae Brown

golden retriever inside car

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

--Dave Barry


A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

--Lana Turner

person holding yellow sunflower bouquet

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

--Milton Berle

man in black pants sitting on chair

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.

--Oscar Wilde

white pampas grasses near body of water at daytime

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

--John Barrymore

pink flowers in tilt shift lens

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

--Rodney Dangerfield


If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

--George Carlin

fine trees waving

All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

--Alexander Woollcott

black, purple, and orange basketball court beside concrete buildings at daytime

If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.

--George Bernard Shaw

minimalist photography of open door

The greatest thief this world has ever produced is procrastination, and he is still at large.

--Josh Billings

orange moon during nighttime

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family -- in another city.

--George Burns

blue sky with stars during night time

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

--Elbert Hubbard

rocky mountain under starry night

Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults.

--Thomas Szasz

yellow flower field near bare trees during daytime

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

--Kurt Vonnegut

silhouette photo of person holding flashlight under milk way

The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.

--Natalie Wood

elephant play with brown sand

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

--Caroline Rhea

river painting

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

--Erma Bombeck

Arizona landscape

The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless.

--Nicolas Chamfort

two dragonflies on green cornate leaf

If you must make a noise, make it quietly.

--Oliver Hardy

worm's eye view of trees during night time

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.

--Naguib Mahfouz

silhouette of mountains during starry night

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

--James Thurber

selective-focus photograph of gray bird on tree branch

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.

--Kaiser Wilhelm

brown rocky mountain under blue sky during daytime

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

--Charles Lamb

golden retriever inside car

It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!

--Steven Weinberg

cluster of stars in the sky

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of people's vacations was considered a punishment.

--Betty White

rock mountain during starry night

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.

--Hillary Clinton

blue ocean

My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.

--Buddy Hackett

withered tree surrounded with snow during daytime

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.

--Henry Kissinger

brown and grey trees and rock formation painting

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose yours.

--Harry S. Truman

green trees on brown dried leaves during daytime

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

--Clarence Day

woman looking up to the sky while standing on white sand

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday, but never remembers her age.

--Robert Frost

yellow, orange, red, green, and blue abstract painting

What a kid I got -- I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

--Rodney Dangerfield

green grass field

Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes!

--Billy Connolly

lightning strike at night

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

--Woody Allen

lights pattern swirls

I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.

--Lily Tomlin

mixed paints in a plate

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

--Woody Allen

photo of underwater

I'd like to live like a poor man -- only with lots of money.

--Pablo Picasso

fawn pug on bed

I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food.

--W. C. Fields

white pampas grasses near body of water at daytime

Between two evils I always pick the one I never tried before.

--Mae West


I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

--Groucho Marx

brown and red paint brushes

You know the trouble with real life? There's no danger music.

--Jim Carrey

landscape photography of horizon

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.

--Bob Hope

leafless tree on snow covered ground

Better to keep your mouth closed and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt.

--Mark Twain

photo of brown parquet

I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

--Phyllis Diller

snow covered brown mountain

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

--Groucho Marx

aerial photography of forest

You know that look that women have when they want to have sex? Me, either.

--Steve Martin

white brick wall

I work for myself, which is fun. Except when I call in sick, I know I'm lying.

--Rita Rudner

red rose

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.

--George Carlin

three people standing inside Big Ben building

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?

--George Carlin

brown trees on brown field during daytime

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

--George Carlin

yellow painted wall

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

--Laurence J. Peter

mountain summit during sunset

Sign outside a country shop: We buy junk and sell antiques.

--Dave Barry

Milky way in nature photography

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

--Phyllis Diller

silhouette of mountain during sunset

Parenthood is a lot easier to get into then out of.

--Bruce Lanskiy


If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

--Abraham Lincoln

pink and white tulips on white surface

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!

--Tom Lehrer

grass field under cloudy sky

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.

--Emo Philips

fine trees waving

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

--Robert Bloch

black and white window illustration

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

--Dorothy Parker

woman in blue denim jacket and black pants standing beside train

I hate women because they always know where things are.

--James Thurber

three person looking stars and milky way

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a dull one.

--Sid Caesar

blue and white striped textile

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

--Emo Philips

yellow sunflower in close up photography

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

--Anton Chekhov

blue sky

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

--Milton Berle

low angle photo of starry night

Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

--Dale Carnegie

selective focus photo of brown guitar on white pillow

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

--Groucho Marx

person wearing red jacket climbing on glacier

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

--François de La Rochefoucauld (writer)

two person standing while watching sky

I always thought the idea of education was to learn to think for yourself.

--Robin Williams

shooting star in night sky

Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.

--Jim Carrey

five children sitting on bench front of trees

Puns are the highest form of literature.

--Alfred Hitchcock

a couple holding hands with a wedding ring visible

I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.

--Chris Rock

painting of man walking down a road holding umbrella

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

--George Carlin

red tulip flowers under calm blue sky

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

--Fred Allen


I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

--Steve Martin

selective focus photo of green snake plant

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

--Steve Martin

black pug puppy

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.

--Joan Rivers

golden retriever inside car

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.

--Winston Churchill

cumulus clouds

What a nice night for an evening.

--Steven Wright

person holding flowers

This suspense is terrible. I hope it will last.

--Oscar Wilde

person in black jacket standing on beach during daytime

It's a strange myth that atheists have nothing to live for. It's the opposite. We have nothing to die for. We have everything to live for.

--Ricky Gervais

silhouette photo of trees during night time

Sleep is so cute when it tries to compete with the internet.

--Will Ferrell

shallow focus photography of orange flower

See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.

--Robin Williams

red tulips

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have; the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.

--Agatha Christie

silhouette photo of aurora borealis

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

--Woody Allen

landscape photo of mountain during nighttime

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

--Bill Maher

woman in white shirt sitting on brown rock near lake during daytime

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

--Punit Ghadge

snow-capped mountain at the horizon viewed from lake dock

Like the measles, love is most dangerous when it comes late in life.

--Lord Byron


The difference between an optimist and a pessimist? An optimist laughs to forget, but a pessimist forgets to laugh.

--Tom Bodett

cumulus clouds

In God we trust; all others pay cash.

--Jean Shepherd

man playing soccer during daytime

Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

--Doug Larson

silhouette of praying man

Americans are incredibly inpatient. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk.

--Jim Rohn

calm body of water and mountain

I am only human, although I regret it.

--Mark Twain

landscape photography of green tree

I drink to make other people more interesting.

--Ernest Hemingway

red tulip in bloom during daytime

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

--Steven Wright

multicolored abstract painting

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

--Mark Twain

Longer Version:

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus. As in the words of Wayne Dyer, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change. Sometimes to know with certainty that a particular thing is "true", will actually be the very thing that keeps you from attaining the things you seek to achieve.

selective photography of dried leaf

Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.

--Josh Billings

dome tent with galaxy with stars

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

--Oscar Wilde

rock formation surrounding by body of water

Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.

--Jackie Mason

person wearing Apple watch

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.

--Woody Allen

brown houses in front of hill under starry night

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

--Steven Wright

green lizard

I can resist everything except temptation.

--Oscar Wilde

man jumping on hill during golden hour

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

--Demetri Martin


The world is full of magical things patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.

--Bertrand Russell

selective focus photo of four green humming birds with red flowers

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

--Rob Corddry

white analog wall clock at 11 00

My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists.

--Jean Rostand

brown and white wooden star print board

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

--Unknown Author

Longer Version:

Has been misattributed to George Carlin but is not by him- his web site even confirmed such.

white pampas grasses near body of water at daytime

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.

--Mike Myers

woman looking up to the sky while standing on white sand

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

--Miles Kington

low angle photo of starry night

The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.

--Will Rogers

yellow sunflower in close up photography

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

--Jack Benny


Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

--George Bernard Shaw

pink and white tulips on white surface

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

--E.B. White

houses and trees during nighttime

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

--Lily Tomlin

photo of pine tree

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

--Steve Martin

two person standing while watching sky

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

--Casey Stengel

photo of brown parquet

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

--Laurence J. Peter

close up photo of tree

The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

--Al McGuire

person holding brown sand close-up photography

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

--Mitch Hedberg


Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

--George Carlin

person holding flowers

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

--W. C. Fields


If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

--Johnny Carson

person holding hands

All men are equal before fish.

--Herbert Hoover

photography of yellow petaled flowers field

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.

--David Lee Roth

white tulips in white background

Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.

--Margaret Mead

lights pattern swirls

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.

--Oscar Levant


Do not make the mistake of treating your dogs like humans or they will treat you like dogs.

--Martha Scott

man jumping on hill during golden hour

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

--François de La Rochefoucauld (writer)

grassland landscape

A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

--Don Marquis

iceberg near mountain during day

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

--Groucho Marx

purple and white clouds during night time

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

--George Carlin

person on road at sunset

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

--Will Rogers

yellow bee beside purple petaled flower during daytime

Everyone has a purpose in life. Perhaps yours is watching television.

--David Letterman

flat lay photography teacup on top of saucer

Forgiveness is a funny thing. It warms the heart and cools the sting.

--William Arthur Ward

white ceramic mug with coffee on brown wooden table

We learn from experience that men never learn anything from experience.

--George Bernard Shaw

iceberg near mountain during day

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

--Andy Rooney

withered tree surrounded with snow during daytime

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

--Groucho Marx

red rose in bloom during daytime

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

--Robert Benchley

yellow tulip flowers

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

--Dick Cavett

silhouette photography of man sitting on rock

To those of you who received honours, awards and distinctions, I say well done. And to the C students, I say you, too, can be president of the United States.

--George W. Bush

blue wallpaper

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

--Dalai Lama

person running

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

--R.D. Laing

person in blue denim jeans and brown leather boots

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

--Bill Watterson

red and yellow abstract painting

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

--Winston Churchill

woman in white shirt sitting on brown rock near lake during daytime

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

--Robin Williams

plain background

The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth.

--Jim Harrison

aerial photography of mountain range covered with snow under white and blue sky at daytime

Inflation is when you pay fifteen dollars for the ten-dollar haircut you used to get for five dollars when you had hair.

--Sam Ewing

black, purple, and orange basketball court beside concrete buildings at daytime

Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

--Benny Hill

man and woman kissing beside body of water during daytime

Political correctness is tyranny with manners.

--Charlton Heston

silhouette photography of person

You cannot be anything if you want to be everything.

--Solomon Schechter

golden retriever inside car

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

--Isaac Asimov

landscape photography of horizon

People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.

--A.A. Milne

flat lay photography teacup on top of saucer

The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

--Abraham Lincoln

green trees on body of water during daytime

The secret of the demagogue is to make himself as stupid as his audience so they believe they are clever as he.

--Karl Kraus

two person standing while watching sky

The duty of a patriot is to protect his country from its government.

--Edward Abbey

closeup photo of lounger chairs and beach umbrellas

Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.

--Albert Einstein

red blue yellow and red paint

Never have more children than you have car windows.

--Erma Bombeck

man smiling while facing other person

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

--Jim Davis

blue wooden door opened

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

--Rodney Dangerfield

couple sitting near trees during golden hour

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

--Alan Dundes

aerial photography of gray and white stone lot

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

--Bill Maher

silhouette of trees during nighttime

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

--Milton Berle

aerial photography of mountain range covered with snow under white and blue sky at daytime

Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet service to see who they really are.

--Will Ferrell

street lamp

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

--Steven Wright

empty brown concrete stairs beside green grass under starry sky long-exposure photography

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

--Redd Foxx

pink tulip flower

The less Holy Spirit we have, the more cake and coffee we need to keep the church going.

--Reinhard Bonnke

silhouette of person on top of mountain pointing flashlight on sky filled with stars at night time

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

--Steven Wright

blue and black abstract painting

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

--Bertrand Russell

red textile in close up photography

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

--Andy Borowitz

red tulip flowers under calm blue sky

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

--Harlan Ellison

pink and white tulips on white surface

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

--Steve Martin

grayscale photography of elephant

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

--George Carlin

aerial photography of mountain range covered with snow under white and blue sky at daytime

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

--Jerry Seinfeld

woman in white and black stripe long sleeve shirt standing beside brown concrete building during daytime

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

--Groucho Marx

man with LED headlight looking upward

I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.

--Zach Galifianakis

brown sand under blue sky during daytime

Everything is changing. People are taking the comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

--Will Rogers

person wearing round black analog watch at 9:46

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.

--Mitch Hedberg

analog clock at 5:55

Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.

--Bill Murray

four handheld gardening tools on rack

Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone.

--Anthony Burgess

photo of brown parquet

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

--Groucho Marx

silhouette photo of person holding flashlight under milk way

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

--Mark Twain

brown chopped logs

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

--Rodney Dangerfield

man in white and black button up shirt holding lighted candle

When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.

--Cathy Guisewite

silhouette of person's hands forming heart

Food is like sex: When you abstain, even the worst stuff begins to look good.

--Beth McCollister

multicolored abstract painting

Telling an introvert to go to a party is like telling a saint to go to Hell.

--Criss Jami


My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

--Mitch Hedberg

green leaf in close up photography

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

--Phyllis Diller

green trees under white sky during daytime

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them, because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

--Will Ferrell

clear hour glass

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

--George Carlin

Blue to purple gradient

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

--Groucho Marx

close-up photo of two men shaking hands near beach at sunset

The four most beautiful words in our common language: I told you so.

--Gore Vidal

raging waves through shores

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.

--George Carlin

silhouette of mountains under blue sky during daytime

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.

--Zach Galifianakis

pavement surrounded with dried leaves

The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.

--Zach Galifianakis

A white stripe pattern made up of concrete facade ribs

The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.

--Terry Pratchett

brown and white butterfly on purple petaled flower

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

--Rodney Dangerfield

person holding yellow petaled flower

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

--Mark Twain

man with LED headlight looking upward

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.

--H. L. Mencken

man smiling while facing other person

The best love affairs are those we never had.

--Norman Lindsay

pot on window with flowers

The advantage of growing up with siblings is that you become very good at fractions.

--Robert Brault

body of water under clear blue sky painting

I live by my own rules (reviewed, revised, and approved by my wife).. but still my own.

--Si Robertson

three clear drinking glasses with brown liquid

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

--Jerry Seinfeld

woman in black shirt standing on yellow flower field during daytime

Never let an angry sister comb your hair.

--Patricia McCann

clear wine glass with red wine

I wake up every morning at nine and grab for the morning paper. Then I look at the obituary page. If my name is not on it, I get up.

--Benjamin Franklin

rocks near shore during nighttime

Good morning is a contradiction of terms.

--Jim Davis

body of water surrounded with plants under cloudy sky

Since a politician never believes what he says, he is quite surprised to be taken at his word.

--Charles de Gaulle

pink dahlia in bloom

A true friend stabs you in the front.

--Oscar Wilde

red tulip flowers under calm blue sky

A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.

--Texas Guinan

crescent moon above mountain

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.

--Oscar Ameringer

silhouette of mountain during sunset

Once again, you show all the sensitivity of a blunt axe.

--Nearly Headless Nick

body of water under clear blue sky painting

Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.

--Jim Davis


A man who marries a woman to educate her falls victim to the same fallacy as the woman who marries a man to reform him.

--Elbert Hubbard

blue sky and white clouds

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

--Robert Frost


A diamond is merely a lump of coal that did well under pressure.

--Unknown Author

blue wall during daytime

The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.

--Grant Tucker

person holding yellow petaled flower

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

--Augustine of Hippo

pink and white flower in close up photography

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

--Jay Leno

flat lay photography of several hanging ornaments

Aging seems to be the only available way to live a long life.

--Kitty Collins

green trees on body of water during daytime

The Lord gave us two ends: one to sit on and the other to think with. Success depends on which one we use the most.

--Ask Ann Landers

yellow and blue painted wall

I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.

--Gerald R. Ford

long black haired woman smiling close-up photography

There are three kinds of men. The one that learns by reading. The few who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric fence for themselves.

--Will Rogers

coconut tree near body of water

Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands -- and then eat just one of the pieces.

--Judith Viorst

Vincent Van Gogh self portrait painting on wall

Love is much nicer to be in than an automobile accident, a tight girdle, a higher tax bracket or a holding pattern over Philadelphia.

--Judith Viorst

woman holding brown umbrella

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.

--Alanis Morissette

The Muppets Kermit plush toy on gray sofa

Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

--Alexander Woollcott

person holding yellow round analog clock

Sane is boring.

--R. A. Salvatore

person's hand holding round silver analog watch with black leather strap

Looking fifty is great -- if you're sixty.

--Joan Rivers

turned on gray alarm clock displaying 10:11

When I jog I joggle.

--Ogden Nash

black bird on brown tree branch during daytime

Reality: What a concept!

--Robin Williams

green mountains beside lake under blue sky during daytime

I'm addicted to placebos.

--Steven Wright

person holding sunflower

Love, honor, and negotiate.

--Alan Loy McGinnis

feet in sand

Macho does not prove mucho.

--Zsa Zsa Gabor

long-coated brown animal

Thank you for checking out our selection of classic tongue-in-cheek funny quotes! Please consider sharing this wry humor and also connect with us on social media. Wishing you a laughter-filled day!