They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!
The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.
I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain.
I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.
I loved the angiogram. They stick a thing in your thigh and it goes all the way up to your heart. Isn't that a thrill? Well, at least the nurse scored thigh.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.
Language is the most elementary aspect to our humanness, probably. In addition to that, it's the embodiment, it's the apotheosis of the human experience, it's the way we summarize ourselves.
Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a whole lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me--they're cramming for their final exam.
I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.
No one is ever more him herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.
Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
It's a "keep your fingers crossed" business, the entertainment business.
Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent.
I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.
The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid.
Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.
Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.
That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.
When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
The future will soon be a thing of the past.
First I was a mimic. Practically from the moment I began talking, I did impersonations of the people in my neighborhood -- the storekeepers, the policemen, my teachers.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.'
The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.
I like Florida. Everything is in the 80's. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.
We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.
No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it.
The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.
What does a dog do on his day off? He can't lie around that's his job.
Things you never hear: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.'
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.
I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing.
One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.
We are all precancerous.
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so heroic.
Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me--they're cramming for their final exam.
Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!
It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.
A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion.
Engineers at General Motors have developed a revolutionary new engine whose only function is to lubricate itself.
Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
The Class Clown album was done totally sober. I'd realized what a hell I'd made for myself and I cleaned up completely for three months. You can hear the clarity of my thinking and of my speech on that album.
There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.
It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure.
If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.
If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.
Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
He -- and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.
Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.
Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show.
I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.
I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.
Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it.
If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't.
I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?
I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Fuck rational thought.
Cancer research is a growth industry.
I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?
If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.
For an entertainer, part of the thing you do is just style. And the coke did help me get into great runs of pure form.
The angles of my body show you an awful lot. I started doing coke to feel open, but by that time, the hole had opened so wide that I'd fallen through. The body language in those photos tells you everything.
The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.
I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.
We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.
My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's Day, 1978.
Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick.
As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.
If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.
When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.
Pardon me I've got nothing to say.
The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.
Is there another word for synonym?
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.
So far, this is the oldest I've been.
I have things that are strident and confrontational, and I have a lot of things that are childlike and innocent and sort of sweet. So, somewhere in between lies the middle of me.
It's way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest, most deeply felt hatred in the world. And it makes for wonderful theater.
I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.
In some hotels they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time I sewed a button on a lampshade. I like to leave a mark.
I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.
They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.
Never underestimate the role pretension plays when it comes to creating euphemistic language.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Cocaine was different. It kept saying, "You haven't had enough." I became an abuser almost instantly.
In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.
Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.
I think it would be fair and right to use some of my land and wealth for a drug-rehab center or an Indian school.
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
If you don't vote, you lose the right to complain.
What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.
Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.
If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was?
I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.
Always do whatever's next.
Electricity is really just organized lightning.
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of
government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.
Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. -- The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. -- Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.
My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words.
We ought to have a diet salad dressing called '500 Islands.'
What do dogs do on their day off? Can't lie around -- that's their job!
If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?
A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done.
Everyone smiles in the same language.
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.
Matt 13:57. Then Jesus told them, 'A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family.' The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.
I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.
The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife -- because the music hadn't been beautiful enough.
When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette?
How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people.
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make no apologies for it. More people should do acid. It should be sold over the counter.
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large.
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."
You know, if a drug has anything going for it at all, it should be self-limiting. It should tell you when you've had enough. Acid and peyote were that way for me.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
Let's not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine.
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.
When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
So I live in Los Angeles, and it's kind of a goofy place. They have an airport named after John Wayne. That ought to explain it. It has a charming kind of superstitious innocence.
The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.
I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Don't just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.
Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft.
Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
The coke made me incredibly horny.
Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?
A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.
I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.
Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.
Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.
Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.
Like on the airlines, they say they want to 'pre-board.' Well, what the hell is 'pre board?' What does that mean? To get on before you get on?
My mother didn't get home until about seven most nights and, yes, there was a sense of being very alone after school. She gave me all the proper guidance and influences, but physically, she just couldn't be there.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.
I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens.
President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.
Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.
Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts -- it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken word, the writing that goes into it is an art form -- it's certainly artistry.
If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.
I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.
I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity.
I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.
Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.
When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.
The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It's not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone.
Try explaining Hitler to a kid.
Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.
In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf."
Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.
I simply go about my passage swiftly and silently, with a certain deliberate, dark efficiency.
"No comment" is a comment.
Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Jesus was a cross-dresser.
If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
I was never a pipe or bong man. That's California stuff. I was an Eastern roller.
A pear is a failed apple.
What I hated most was seeing those priests and brothers getting so much pleasure out of inflicting pain. I wondered what was wrong with them.
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.
The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out.
When you quit school at an early age, I think you have a lifelong need to show the world -- and maybe yourself -- that you're really smart after all.
Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.
The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.
Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?
One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.
Sports fans eat shit.
I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
An Ideal Husband Life is a near-death experience.
I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?
And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.
Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.
Does killing time damage eternity?
The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.
When people say "clean as a whistle," they forget that a whistle is full of spit.
You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.
One of the effects it cocaine had on my personality -- my moods, my behaviors -- was that it inhibited me a lot. It kind of took possibilities out of my world, and made the focus of things very narrow.
You can't be the fastest gun in town forever. There comes a time when you're not the golden boy, and you have to go off somewhere and figure yourself out.
We're all fucked. It helps to remember that.
Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.
Surround yourself with what you love.
Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.
We're having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.
My mother would say, "Why are you always playing alone?" And I would say, "I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!"
The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.
Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can come up with.
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.
When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.
The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things -- bad language and whatever -- it's all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition.
McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.
Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.
Tits always look better in a pink sweater.
A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.
I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.
My father and mother separated when I was two months old.
With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet.
Don't just teach your kids to read, teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.
Whereas your blackness, ethnicity, homosexuality is something that might be genetic, I can't touch that, and I have no right.
Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.
I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization.
Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?
Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.
Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass."
When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning.
Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies.
Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.
I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.'
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
I often wonder how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school.
Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.).
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh.. apologize.. let go of what you can't change.
There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.
If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend -- I didn't bother with him.
Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When I first heard the song Don't worry -- be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.
I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either.
The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.
Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.
Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists."
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.
Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice.
No comment is a comment.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn't the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don't these people communicate?
Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.
I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Has been misattributed to George Carlin but is not by him- his web site even confirmed such.
When will all the rhetorical questions end?
Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.
Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.
When it comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion.
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason.
I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it.
Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
I became a radio nut. I loved the afternoon serials, and I got into jazz through the radio. I had a subscription to Down Beat when I was 12. And I'd spend a lot of time in front of the minor, miming records.
The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?
What wine goes with Captain Crunch?
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.
There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.
Don't just teach your children to read.
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach then to question everything.
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!
If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!
When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.
Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.
Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death.
If voting changed anything, it would be illegal.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.
I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!
Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.
Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.
The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way."
So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.
In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.
Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded.
Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded. You see the brands -- Nike, Puma, Coke -- all over their bodies. Pretty soon you'll go to a family and say, "$100,000 if we can tattoo Pepsi on your child's forehead, and we'll have it removed when he's twenty-one. A hundred grand.
The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.
I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high.
Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free.
Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.
Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?
I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.
The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it.
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.
I believe you can joke about anything.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.
In the Navy, there is no wrong hole. In the Marines, there is always a hole.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
Because Brenda Carlin had a drinking problem along with the coke, she had to hit bottom first. Most alcoholics do. And for her, bottom was an automobile accident that almost landed her in jail.
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.
You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.
Sometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too.
I always have these little internal monologues. You'll get used to them.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Don't just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach them to question everything.
If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die...where does the sacred part come in?
Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that.
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.