Inspiration and wisdom from divine felines

529 Inspiring Quotes by George Carlin

Welcome to our collection of quotes by George Carlin.

Wikipedia Summary for George Carlin

George Denis Patrick Carlin (May 12, 1937 – June 22, 2008) was an American stand-up comedian, actor, social critic, and author. Regarded as one of the most important and influential stand-up comics of all time, he was dubbed "the dean of counterculture comedians". He was known for his dark comedy and reflections on politics, the English language, psychology, religion, and taboo subjects. His "seven dirty words" routine was central to the 1978 United States Supreme Court case F.C.C. v. Pacifica Foundation, in which a 5–4 decision affirmed the government's power to censor indecent material on the public airwaves.

The first of Carlin's 14 stand-up comedy specials for HBO was filmed in 1977. From the late 1980s, his routines focused on sociocultural criticism of American society. He often commented on American political issues and satirized American culture. He was a frequent performer and guest host on The Tonight Show during the three-decade Johnny Carson era and hosted the first episode of Saturday Night Live in 1975. His final comedy special, It's Bad for Ya, was filmed less than four months before his death from cardiac failure. In 2008, he was posthumously awarded the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor. In 2004, he placed second on Comedy Central's list of top 10 American comedians. In 2017, Rolling Stone magazine ranked him second (behind Richard Pryor) on its list of the 50 best stand-up comedians of all time.

His film roles included a taxi driver in Car Wash, Frank Madras in Outrageous Fortune, Rufus in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure and Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey, Eddie Detreville in The Prince of Tides, Cardinal Ignatius Glick in Dogma, Architect in Scary Movie 3, and Bart Trinké in Jersey Girl. He did voice-over roles as Zugor in Tarzan II, Filmore in Cars, and narrated the first four seasons in the American dub of the British children's television show Thomas & Friends.


rock formation under starry skies

They say if you outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns. Well, those are precisely the people who need them!

--George Carlin

green leafed tree on body of water under starry sky

The women who line up at a comic's dressing-room door are not what you'd call your class groupies.

--George Carlin



yellow Labrador puppy running on field

I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

--George Carlin

photo of about to bloom lotus flower

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

--George Carlin


purple and blue light illustration

If you vote and you elect dishonest, incompetent people into office who screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You caused the problem; you voted them in; you have no right to complain.

--George Carlin

white textile in close up photography

I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.

--George Carlin

person holding sunflower bouquet during daytime

I loved the angiogram. They stick a thing in your thigh and it goes all the way up to your heart. Isn't that a thrill? Well, at least the nurse scored thigh.

--George Carlin

brown grass field near gray rocky mountain during daytime

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

--George Carlin

elephant play with brown sand

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

--George Carlin

body of water under blue sky during sunset

Language is the most elementary aspect to our humanness, probably. In addition to that, it's the embodiment, it's the apotheosis of the human experience, it's the way we summarize ourselves.

--George Carlin

green palm plant

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

--George Carlin

blue flower in close up photography

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

--George Carlin

leafless tree on body of water during daytime

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

--George Carlin

group of elephant on brown field under white clouds during daytime

I'm tired of hearing about innocent victims. It's fiction, If you live on this planet you're guilty, period, f*** you, next case, end of report. Your birth certificate is proof of guilt.

--George Carlin

four white balloons on white wall

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a whole lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me--they're cramming for their final exam.

--George Carlin

white stone woman sculpture

I love it in a movie when they throw a guy off a cliff. I love it even when it's not a movie. No, especially when it's not a movie.

--George Carlin


pink petaled flower field

No one is ever more him herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.

--George Carlin


five woman standing on seashore

Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

--George Carlin

four handheld gardening tools on rack

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

--George Carlin




snow-capped mountain at the horizon viewed from lake dock

It's a "keep your fingers crossed" business, the entertainment business.

--George Carlin

blue and white abstract painting

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

--George Carlin

gray concrete painted wall

Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent.

--George Carlin

island during daytime

I've never been quarantined. But the more I look around the more I think it might not be a bad idea.

--George Carlin

landscape photography of mountains with cloudy skies during golden hour

The main reason women are crazy, is that men are stupid.

--George Carlin


brown sand beach during daytime

Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?

--George Carlin






turned on desk lamp beside pile of books

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

--George Carlin


silhouette of person wearing cowboy hat during sunset

The next time a prostitute solicits your business, ask for the clergyman's rate.

--George Carlin

low angle photography of gray concrete building

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

--George Carlin

person wearing orange and gray Nike shoes walking on gray concrete stairs

That invisible hand of Adam Smith seems to offer an extended middle finger to an awful lot of people.

--George Carlin

green water in close up photography

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

--George Carlin

pink cherry blossom tree under blue sky during daytime

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

--George Carlin

blue flower in close up photography

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

--George Carlin

body of water

First I was a mimic. Practically from the moment I began talking, I did impersonations of the people in my neighborhood -- the storekeepers, the policemen, my teachers.

--George Carlin

rainbow

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

--George Carlin




crescent moon above mountain

Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.'

--George Carlin

man in blue jacket and blue pants carrying black and red backpack standing on snow covered

The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.

--George Carlin

green trees under white sky during daytime

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80's. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.

--George Carlin

blue sky and white clouds

We're having something a little different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.

--George Carlin



white wooden dock on white sand

No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it.

--George Carlin

selective focus photo of iceberg on large body of water at winter

The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.

--George Carlin

elephants on green grass field during daytime

What does a dog do on his day off? He can't lie around that's his job.

--George Carlin

brown rocky mountain under blue sky during daytime

Things you never hear: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.'

--George Carlin

person in black and white mask

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loath and despise the groups they identify or belong to.

--George Carlin

white clouds and blue sky

I've been a performer for a long time and I know when people are laughing from their guts, from the inside, and when their tuxedos are laughing.

--George Carlin

worm's eye view photography of pink cheery blossom tree

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

--George Carlin


green and white abstract painting

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

--George Carlin

woman in white and black stripe long sleeve shirt standing beside brown concrete building during daytime

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

--George Carlin

man smiling while facing other person

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.

--George Carlin

macro photography of green bird on tree branch

We are all precancerous.

--George Carlin

brown wooden hanging bridge surrounded by green trees during daytime

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so heroic.

--George Carlin

person holding hourglass

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

--George Carlin

blue, white, and pink petaled flowers on gray surface

I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me--they're cramming for their final exam.

--George Carlin


white flower graphic wallpaper

Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!

--George Carlin

blue wooden door opened

It's called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.

--George Carlin

wide lake over sunset view

A lot of gay men stay in the closet because they are interested in fashion.

--George Carlin

sunset

Engineers at General Motors have developed a revolutionary new engine whose only function is to lubricate itself.

--George Carlin


two children holding hands while walking in the middle of the fields

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

--George Carlin

blue ocean

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

--George Carlin

close up shot of white flower

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

--George Carlin

person wearing red jacket climbing on glacier

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

--George Carlin

selective focus photography of pink petaled flower

The Class Clown album was done totally sober. I'd realized what a hell I'd made for myself and I cleaned up completely for three months. You can hear the clarity of my thinking and of my speech on that album.

--George Carlin

black bird flying under white clouds during daytime

There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.

--George Carlin

red moon at night

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

--George Carlin

person with flashlight near lighted green tree on mountain under starry night

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

--George Carlin


man and woman kissing

At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure.

--George Carlin

yellow, orange, red, green, and blue abstract painting

If a lobster didn't look like a sci-fi monster, people would be less able to drop him alive into boiling water.

--George Carlin

photo of white and brown bricked wall during daytime

If everyone in the world sat quietly at the same time, closed their eyes and concentrated as hard as they could on peace and goodwill, all the killing and cruelty in the world would continue. And probably increase.

--George Carlin

landscape photography of waves and clouds

Regarding the fitness craze: America has lost its soul; now it's trying to save its body.

--George Carlin

brown and black butterfly on pink flower

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.

--George Carlin

chocolate

He -- and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

--George Carlin

raging waves through shores

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.

--George Carlin

red tulips

Language is a tool for concealing the truth. If we could read each other's minds, this would be a horror show.

--George Carlin

blue wallpaper

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

--George Carlin


pink and teal striped textile

As it stands right now, I lead Richard Pryor in heart attacks, two to one. However, Richard still leads me, one to nothing, in burning yourself up.

--George Carlin

selective focus photo of brown and blue hourglass on stones

I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.

--George Carlin

selective-focus photograph of gray bird on tree branch

Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.

--George Carlin

green trees under white sky during daytime

You can take and nail two sticks together like they've never been nailed together before and some fool will buy it.

--George Carlin

two women making peace sign near the Golden Gate bridge

If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

--George Carlin

silhouette photography of trees and sky

Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't.

--George Carlin

aerial photo of green trees

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

--George Carlin

purple flower

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

--George Carlin




bird on pier

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, Where's the self-help section? She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

--George Carlin


man and woman kissing

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

--George Carlin

sunset

I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.

--George Carlin


boat on sea far away from island

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

--George Carlin

low-angle photography of green leaf tree

Fuck rational thought.

--George Carlin

closeup photo of violin on brown surface

Cancer research is a growth industry.

--George Carlin

woman in blue denim jacket and black pants standing beside train

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

--George Carlin

silhouette of couple

Some people see things that are and ask, Why?
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not?
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

--George Carlin

multicolored heart LED light on wall

If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.

--George Carlin

pink and green flower painting

When you visualize the recent past, do you see it as being somewhere over on the left?

--George Carlin

lights pattern swirls

If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.

--George Carlin

beach shore during day time

For an entertainer, part of the thing you do is just style. And the coke did help me get into great runs of pure form.

--George Carlin

backdrop

The angles of my body show you an awful lot. I started doing coke to feel open, but by that time, the hole had opened so wide that I'd fallen through. The body language in those photos tells you everything.

--George Carlin

yellow green leaf

The first obligation I have is to be funny; it's my first impulse and an instinct. I like being funny and finding the jokes.

--George Carlin

telescope

I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.

--George Carlin

Arizona landscape

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

--George Carlin


worm's eye view photography of pink cheery blossom tree

There will be a rain dance Friday night, weather permitting!

--George Carlin

white wooden table near brown chair

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

--George Carlin

rainbow

If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.

--George Carlin


landscape photography of road at savannah

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

--George Carlin

brown desert under sunny sky

My left descending septal branch artery decided to close without consultation with any of my other organs. It happened on Saint Patrick's Day, 1978.

--George Carlin


selective focus photography of pink petaled flower

Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick.

--George Carlin

grayscale photography of mountain surrounded by trees

As you swim the river of live, do the breast stroke. It helps to clear the turds from your path.

--George Carlin

silhouette of mountain

If honesty were suddenly introduced into American life, the whole system would collapse.

--George Carlin

black and white photography of alarm clock displaying 1:37 time

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.

--George Carlin

green trees under white sky during daytime

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

--George Carlin

pink tulip in bloom close up photo

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

--George Carlin


sunset

Marry an orphan: you'll never have to spend boring holidays with the in-laws.

--George Carlin


photo of brown wood slab

Pardon me I've got nothing to say.

--George Carlin

silhouette of mountains under blue sky during daytime

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

--George Carlin


aerial photography of pine trees with mist

When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.

--George Carlin

purple petaled flower with vase selective focus photography

Is there another word for synonym?

--George Carlin

chocolate

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.

--George Carlin


blue and white water waves

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

--George Carlin

silver bell alarm clock

How can it be a spy satellite if they announce on television that it's a spy satellite?

--George Carlin

yellow painted wall

How is it possible to have a civil war?

--George Carlin



brown wooden surface

Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: You show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.

--George Carlin

Hey! I miss you

So far, this is the oldest I've been.

--George Carlin

birds flying under cloudy sky during daytime

I have things that are strident and confrontational, and I have a lot of things that are childlike and innocent and sort of sweet. So, somewhere in between lies the middle of me.

--George Carlin

yellow and black striped background

It's way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest, most deeply felt hatred in the world. And it makes for wonderful theater.

--George Carlin

silhouette of woman during sunset

I don't believe there's any problem in this country, no matter how tough it is, that Americans, when they roll up their sleeves, can't completely ignore.

--George Carlin

pink and yellow flower painting

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

--George Carlin

Longer Version:

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?


yellow wallpaper

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

--George Carlin

grayscale photography of mountain surrounded by trees

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?

--George Carlin

man in blue jacket and blue pants carrying black and red backpack standing on snow covered

Geologists claim that although the world is running out of oil, there is still a 200-hundred-year supply of brake fluid.

--George Carlin

man standing on cliff under white sky

In some hotels they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time I sewed a button on a lampshade. I like to leave a mark.

--George Carlin

chocolate

I hope no one asks me to show them the ropes; I have no idea where they are. Maybe I could pull some strings and find out.

--George Carlin

person walking holding brown leather bag

They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.

--George Carlin

man playing soccer during daytime

Never underestimate the role pretension plays when it comes to creating euphemistic language.

--George Carlin

yellow flowers

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

--George Carlin

yellow flower field near bare trees during daytime

Cocaine was different. It kept saying, "You haven't had enough." I became an abuser almost instantly.

--George Carlin

white

In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.

--George Carlin



black and white abstract illustration

Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

--George Carlin

red flowers under the blue sky

I think it would be fair and right to use some of my land and wealth for a drug-rehab center or an Indian school.

--George Carlin

purple flower field during daytime

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

--George Carlin


person holding gray and beige roman numeral alarm clock

If you don't vote, you lose the right to complain.

--George Carlin


short-beak red bird on tree

What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.

--George Carlin


sunset hgihway

Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.

--George Carlin

black Corona typewriter on brown wood planks

If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense? What year did Jesus think it was?

--George Carlin


mountains with trees under white star at night

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

--George Carlin

saguaro

Always do whatever's next.

--George Carlin



woman holding Pug puppy

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

--George Carlin

person standing on top of mountain

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

--George Carlin


yellow green leaf

Nothing rectifies out-of-control market failures like a healthy dose of

government intervention and mountains of bureaucracy.

--George Carlin

blue and black abstract painting

Number one, one, one on wonderful WINO.

--George Carlin

purple and white clouds during night time

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

--George Carlin

body of water under blue sky during daytime

If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. -- The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. -- Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.

--George Carlin

empty seashore near high-rise building

My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words.

--George Carlin

green and red flowers

We ought to have a diet salad dressing called '500 Islands.'

--George Carlin

silhouette photo of aurora borealis

What do dogs do on their day off? Can't lie around -- that's their job!

--George Carlin

white and black satellite dish on brown field during night time

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?

--George Carlin

foggy mountains

A woman told me her child was autistic, and I thought she said artistic. So I said, 'Oh great. I'd like to see some of the things he's done.

--George Carlin


man skiing on land

Everyone smiles in the same language.

--George Carlin


grayscale photography of woman

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

--George Carlin

gold round wall clock on white painted wall

They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.

--George Carlin


mountains under starry sky during nighttime

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

--George Carlin

short-beak red bird on tree

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

--George Carlin

Vincent Van Gogh self portrait painting on wall

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

--George Carlin

backdrop

Matt 13:57. Then Jesus told them, 'A prophet is honored everywhere except in his own hometown and among his own family.' The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

--George Carlin


silhouette of person on top of mountain pointing flashlight on sky filled with stars at night time

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

--George Carlin

brown grass field near gray rocky mountain during daytime

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

--George Carlin


woman on seashore near island under blue sky

The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife -- because the music hadn't been beautiful enough.

--George Carlin




person in black jacket standing on beach during daytime

When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.

--George Carlin



low-angle photography of green leaf tree

Think off-center.

--George Carlin

selective photography of green leaf plant

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.

--George Carlin

tilt shift lens pink fetal flowers

How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette?

--George Carlin

Longer Version:

How come when it's us, it's an abortion, and when it's a chicken, it's an omelette? Are we so much better than chickens all of a sudden? When did this happen; that we passed chickens in goodness? Name six ways we're better than chickens. See, nobody can do it! You know why? 'Cause chickens are decent people.


clear hour glass beside pink flowers

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

--George Carlin

pen on brown board

Fuck the drug war. Dropping acid was a profound turning point for me, a seminal experience. I make no apologies for it. More people should do acid. It should be sold over the counter.

--George Carlin

round black clock on linen

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

--George Carlin

shallow focus photography of bee on flower

Some people see the cup as half empty. Some people see the cup as half full. I see the cup as too large.

--George Carlin

landscape photography of mountain hit by sun rays

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

--George Carlin

blue and white water waves

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

--George Carlin




woman leaning against a wall in dim hallway

You know, if a drug has anything going for it at all, it should be self-limiting. It should tell you when you've had enough. Acid and peyote were that way for me.

--George Carlin

grass field under cloudy sky

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?

--George Carlin

black bird flying under white clouds during daytime

Let's not have a double standard. One standard will do just fine.

--George Carlin

three pink tulip flowers

I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it.

--George Carlin

man in cowboy hat

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

--George Carlin

pink and white flower in close up photography

So I live in Los Angeles, and it's kind of a goofy place. They have an airport named after John Wayne. That ought to explain it. It has a charming kind of superstitious innocence.

--George Carlin

sunset

The god excuse, the last refuge of a man with no answers and no argument.

--George Carlin

white

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

--George Carlin


low angle photography of gray concrete building

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

--George Carlin

beach shore during day time

Don't just teach your children to read. Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

--George Carlin

sunset

Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft.

--George Carlin

Longer Version:

Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.



person holding brown leaf

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

--George Carlin


green leafed plant

The coke made me incredibly horny.

--George Carlin

white petaled flower

Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?

--George Carlin

person standing on rock formation during daytime

A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.

--George Carlin

woman on seashore near island under blue sky

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.

--George Carlin

lighted candle in dark room

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

--George Carlin

silhouette photography of mountains

It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.

--George Carlin


sunset

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

--George Carlin


green leafed plant

Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.

--George Carlin

calm body of water near alp mountains during nighttime

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

--George Carlin

brown houses in front of hill under starry night

Know my feelings about traffic laws? Cop didn't see it? I didn't do it.

--George Carlin

yellow flowers blooming at field

Like on the airlines, they say they want to 'pre-board.' Well, what the hell is 'pre board?' What does that mean? To get on before you get on?

--George Carlin

green palm tree during daytime

My mother didn't get home until about seven most nights and, yes, there was a sense of being very alone after school. She gave me all the proper guidance and influences, but physically, she just couldn't be there.

--George Carlin

lights pattern swirls

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

--George Carlin

leafless tree on body of water during daytime

My advice: Just keep movin' straight ahead. Every now and then you find yourself in a different place.

--George Carlin

red wallpaper

I gravitated toward being a funny guy. I liked the radio comedians. I lived in the Golden Age of radio, and the Golden Age of television came along when I was still in my early teens.

--George Carlin

clear wine glass with red wine

President George Bush declared a National Day of Prayer for Peace. This was after he had carefully arranged and started the war.

--George Carlin

person standing on top of mountain

Whoever coined the term "Buyer Beware" was probably bleeding from the asshole.

--George Carlin

silhouette of man in water

Comedy, although it is not one of the fine arts -- it's a vulgar art, it's one of the people's arts, it's the spoken word, the writing that goes into it is an art form -- it's certainly artistry.

--George Carlin

woman doing yoga meditation on brown parquet flooring

If the reason for climbing Mt. Everest is that it's hard to do, why does everyone go up the easy side?

--George Carlin

orange room with open door

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.

--George Carlin

bonfire in forest

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.

--George Carlin

white satellite dish under starry night

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

--George Carlin



a couple holding hands with a wedding ring visible

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

--George Carlin

red yellow and blue paint

To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.

--George Carlin

shallow focus photo of green leaves

I went straight from shenanigans to crimes against humanity.

--George Carlin

beige concrete wall

I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

--George Carlin

low angle photography of gray concrete building

I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed.

--George Carlin


two women sitting on wooden dock over body of water

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

--George Carlin



sunset

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

--George Carlin

woman standing on forest

Test of Metal: Will of Iron, Nerves of Steel, Heart of Gold, Balls of Brass.

--George Carlin

sunset

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

--George Carlin

two clown fishes underwater

When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.

--George Carlin

seashore during daytime

The highly motivated people in society are the ones causing all the trouble. It's not the lazy unmotivated folks sitting in front of a TV eating potato chips who bother anyone.

--George Carlin


green leafed tree with sunlight at daytime

Try explaining Hitler to a kid.

--George Carlin

landscape photo of waters, mountains, and black clouds

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

--George Carlin

man raising arms between greenfield

In the doggie dictionary, under "bow wow" it says, "See "arf arf."

--George Carlin

clear hour glass with brown frame

Nothing you see on the Internet is mine unless it comes from one of my albums, books, HBO specials, or appeared on my website.

--George Carlin

yellow sunflower on white wall

I simply go about my passage swiftly and silently, with a certain deliberate, dark efficiency.

--George Carlin



woman in white and multicolored floral shirt standing and smiling on yellow sunflower field

"No comment" is a comment.

--George Carlin

yellow background

Think of how strange we'd look if all the cuts, burns, scrapes, bruises, scratches, bumps, gashes, and scabs we ever had suddenly reappeared on our bodies at the same time.

--George Carlin

yellow sunflowers

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

--George Carlin

donkey

Jesus was a cross-dresser.

--George Carlin

orange moon during nighttime

If a man smiles all the time, he's probably selling something that doesn't work.

--George Carlin


silhouette of mountains under blue sky during daytime

I was never a pipe or bong man. That's California stuff. I was an Eastern roller.

--George Carlin

flowers

A pear is a failed apple.

--George Carlin

white wooden door

What I hated most was seeing those priests and brothers getting so much pleasure out of inflicting pain. I wondered what was wrong with them.

--George Carlin

person standing on rock formation during daytime

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

--George Carlin

couple standing on grass field mountain

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.

--George Carlin

river between trees under blue sky

The Muslims observe their Sabbath on Friday, the Jews observe on Saturday, and the Christians on Sunday. By the time Monday rolls around God is completely f***in' worn out.

--George Carlin

None

When you quit school at an early age, I think you have a lifelong need to show the world -- and maybe yourself -- that you're really smart after all.

--George Carlin

white and red flower with green leaves

Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

--George Carlin

close-up photography of heart shaped fairy lite on brown sand

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

--George Carlin

pink and red flowers

When someone is impatient and says, 'I haven't got all day,' I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

--George Carlin

woman signing on white printer paper beside woman about to touch the documents

Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.

--George Carlin


wide lake over sunset view

Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.

--George Carlin

yellow Labrador puppy running on field

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

--George Carlin

Arizona landscape rocks

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

--George Carlin

yellow sunflowers

The sicker you get, the harder it is to remember if you took your medicine.

--George Carlin

purple

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election.

--George Carlin


withered tree surrounded with snow during daytime

Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?

--George Carlin

time lapse photography body of water

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

--George Carlin

shallow focus photography of person raising hand

Sports fans eat shit.

--George Carlin

multicolored heart LED light on wall

I just try to find targets I feel something about and express it my way.

--George Carlin


selective focus photo of brown guitar on white pillow

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

--George Carlin

two children holding hands while walking in the middle of the fields

An Ideal Husband Life is a near-death experience.

--George Carlin

aerial view of river in between green trees during daytime

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan administration.

--George Carlin

clear hour glass

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

--George Carlin

white bicycle parked beside wall

Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.

--George Carlin

low angle photo of starry night

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

--George Carlin

brown wooden hanging bridge surrounded by green trees during daytime

I am is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that I do is the longest sentence?

--George Carlin

white and blue sky during daytime

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.

--George Carlin

woman in white and black stripe long sleeve shirt standing beside brown concrete building during daytime

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

--George Carlin

stars across the sky view at the desert

War is rich old men protecting their property by sending middle class and lower class young men off to die. It always has been.

--George Carlin


sunset

Does killing time damage eternity?

--George Carlin



landscape photography of mountains with cloudy skies during golden hour

The mayfly lives only one day. And sometimes it rains.

--George Carlin

silhouette of mountains under blue sky during daytime

When people say "clean as a whistle," they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

--George Carlin



red tulip in bloom during daytime

You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.

--George Carlin

woman in black tank top and gray leggings doing yoga

One of the effects it cocaine had on my personality -- my moods, my behaviors -- was that it inhibited me a lot. It kind of took possibilities out of my world, and made the focus of things very narrow.

--George Carlin

white and gray floral bed sheet

You can't be the fastest gun in town forever. There comes a time when you're not the golden boy, and you have to go off somewhere and figure yourself out.

--George Carlin

woman holding cake looking up

We're all fucked. It helps to remember that.

--George Carlin

pair of white lace-up shoes

Pacifism is a nice idea but it can get you killed. We're not there yet. Evolution is slow, small pox is fast.

--George Carlin



cumulus clouds

Surround yourself with what you love.

--George Carlin

Longer Version:

Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever.


white stone woman sculpture

We're having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we're having a swan. You get more stuffing.

--George Carlin

black dragonfly perched on green grass in close up photography during daytime

My mother would say, "Why are you always playing alone?" And I would say, "I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!"

--George Carlin

aerial photography of mountain range covered with snow under white and blue sky at daytime

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

--George Carlin

brown wooden table clock at 10 10

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

--George Carlin

selective-focus photograph of gray bird on tree branch

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

--George Carlin

two clown fishes underwater

Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can come up with.

--George Carlin

people walking on hallway

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

--George Carlin

person's hand holding round silver analog watch with black leather strap

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.

--George Carlin

yellow sunflower in close up photography

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.

--George Carlin

blue parrot standing on brown tree branch

The whole problem with this idea of obscenity and indecency, and all of these things -- bad language and whatever -- it's all caused by one basic thing, and that is: religious superstition.

--George Carlin

landscape photo of waters, mountains, and black clouds

McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.

--George Carlin

time lapse photography of fire

Germany lost the Second World War. Fascism won it. Believe me, my friend.

--George Carlin



city lights from hill

Tits always look better in a pink sweater.

--George Carlin

green trees on forest during daytime

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

--George Carlin


silhouette of mountain during sunset

I was a hip kid. When I saw Bambi it was the midnight show.

--George Carlin

shallow focus photography of brown parquet flooring

My father and mother separated when I was two months old.

--George Carlin

green plant in tilt shift lens

With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet.

--George Carlin


black and gray floral textile

Don't just teach your kids to read, teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

--George Carlin

None

Whereas your blackness, ethnicity, homosexuality is something that might be genetic, I can't touch that, and I have no right.

--George Carlin

aerial photography of pine trees with mist

Traditional American values: Genocide, aggression, conformity, emotional repression, hypocrisy, and the worship of comfort and consumer goods.

--George Carlin

ocean wave in shallow focus lens

I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization.

--George Carlin

blue wallpaper

Why do they bother saying "raw sewage"? Do some people actually cook that stuff?

--George Carlin

houses and trees during nighttime

Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.

--George Carlin



grayscale photography of elephant

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

--George Carlin

man with LED headlight looking upward

"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass."

--George Carlin

green leaf in close up photography

When people asked me, "Do you get high to go onstage?" I could never understand the question. I mean, I'd been high since eight that morning.

--George Carlin

gray concrete surface

Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

--George Carlin


aerial photography of mountain range covered with snow under white and blue sky at daytime

Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies.

--George Carlin

Longer Version:

Anyone who's onstage is going to attract a certain number of misguided people. But I was never very interested in groupies. Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.




blue and white abstract painting

I've set my own rules to live by. The first one is: 'Never believe ANYthing the government says.'

--George Carlin


sunset

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

--George Carlin

person sitting on black surface looking to sky

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

--George Carlin

lightning strike at night

Religion is like a pair of shoes. Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

--George Carlin

forest trees photograph

I often wonder how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school.

--George Carlin

silhouette of trees during nighttime

Hallucinogens are a value changer...like it or not, it changes your values, it opens up windows (doors of perception.).

--George Carlin

woman and man holding hands

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

--George Carlin

pink flower

Grudges are a waste of perfect happiness. Laugh.. apologize.. let go of what you can't change.

--George Carlin

sea of white clouds

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.

--George Carlin

white and purple flower in macro shot

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.

--George Carlin

woman lying on pool

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

--George Carlin

beige concrete wall

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

--George Carlin

brown mountain

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend -- I didn't bother with him.

--George Carlin

man holding smartphone in close up photography

Some people try to get out of jury duty by lying. You don't have to lie. Tell the judge the truth. Tell him you'd make a terrific juror because you can spot guilty people.

--George Carlin

landscape photography of mountains with cloudy skies during golden hour

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

--George Carlin

black and white giraffe on brown grass field

When I first heard the song Don't worry -- be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.

--George Carlin

high-angle photography of mountain at sunset

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

--George Carlin


black textile in close up photography

Governments don't want a population capable of critical thinking, they want obedient workers, people just smart enough to run the machines and just dumb enough to passively accept their situation.

--George Carlin


high-angle photography of beach side

I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either.

--George Carlin

close-up photo of two men shaking hands near beach at sunset

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.

--George Carlin

solid background

Tell people an invisible man in the sky created all things, they believe you. Tell them what you've painted is wet, they have to touch it to believe.

--George Carlin

silhouette of person wearing cowboy hat during sunset

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists."

--George Carlin

purple and white clouds during night time

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

--George Carlin

white ceramic mug with coffee on brown wooden table

If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.

--George Carlin

white satellite dish under starry night

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.

--George Carlin



green grass field

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

--George Carlin

two gray pencils on yellow surface

Religion is a self-conferred intellectual decision; it's not something you get at birth and is unchangeable. You're collusive with the religion when you accept it; you have a choice.

--George Carlin

mountain hills under blue sky

No comment is a comment.

--George Carlin

blue flowers in tilt shift lens

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

--George Carlin

pink tulips in close up photography

A scary dream makes your heart beat faster. Why doesn't the part of your brain that controls your heartbeat realize that another part of your brain is making the whole thing up? Don't these people communicate?

--George Carlin

solid background

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see: "We are the proud parents of a child who's self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn't need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.

--George Carlin

desert grassland

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.

--George Carlin



Dark purple to red to orange gradient

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

--George Carlin

brown and white wooden star print board

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

--Unknown Author

Longer Version:

Has been misattributed to George Carlin but is not by him- his web site even confirmed such.



brown and white long coated small dog lying on green grass

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

--George Carlin



Vincent Van Gogh self portrait painting on wall

Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.

--George Carlin

red rose

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.

--George Carlin

assorted-color beach houses

When it comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion.

--George Carlin

solid background

Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

--George Carlin


sunset

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

--George Carlin


yellow flower field near bare trees during daytime

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.

--George Carlin


multicolored heart LED light on wall

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

--George Carlin

clear glass hour glass with black liquid

Catholic, which I was until I reached the age of reason.

--George Carlin

purple and white petaled flower

I don't eat lobsters, shrimp, or crawfish because I don't eat anything that looks like I should step on it.

--George Carlin


silhouette of tall trees

Once you leave the womb, conservatives don't care about you until you reach military age. Then you're just what they're looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.

--George Carlin


white desk lamp beside green plant

I became a radio nut. I loved the afternoon serials, and I got into jazz through the radio. I had a subscription to Down Beat when I was 12. And I'd spend a lot of time in front of the minor, miming records.

--George Carlin

yellow and blue painted wall

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

--George Carlin

crack in wall

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

--George Carlin

island during daytime

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

--George Carlin

yellow green leaf

When someone is impatient and says, I haven't got all day, I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?

--George Carlin

pink tree

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

--George Carlin

green ceramic mug on wooden desk

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

--George Carlin


green trees

Baseball is a nineteenth-century pastoral game. Football is a twentieth-century technological struggle.

--George Carlin

mountains under starry sky during nighttime

There are no bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords.

--George Carlin

black dragonfly perched on green grass in close up photography during daytime

Don't just teach your children to read.
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach then to question everything.

--George Carlin

close-up photograph of black dreadnought acoustic guitar

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!

--George Carlin

shallow focus photography of woman standing outdoors

If the cops didn't see it, I didn't do it!

--George Carlin


red flowers under the blue sky

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

--George Carlin


silhouette photography of trees and sky

Golf is an arrogant, elitist game that takes up entirely too much space in this country.

--George Carlin

green mountain ]

Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.

--George Carlin

red textile on brown wooden table

Sometimes a fireman will go to great strenuous lengths to save a raccoon that's stuck in a drainpipe and then go out on the weekend and kill several of them for amusement.

--George Carlin

silhouette of trees during nighttime

Life is sacred? Who said so? God? Hey, if you read history, you realize that God is one of the leading causes of death.

--George Carlin

four person standing beside wall

If voting changed anything, it would be illegal.

--George Carlin



gray concrete surface

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

--George Carlin

leafless tree

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

--George Carlin

blue textile on brown wooden table

I should think it takes a fairly low intellect to draw pleasure from the following activity: hitting a ball with a crooked stick. and then walking after it! An then ..hitting it again!

--George Carlin

close-up photo of two men shaking hands near beach at sunset

Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.

--George Carlin

man holding smartphone in close up photography

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.

--George Carlin

red and white led lighted heart decor

The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way."

--George Carlin

Clear blue ocean washing on the sandy shore on a clear day in Cancún

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.

--George Carlin


selective photography of green leaf plant

In terms of coke, the only money I ever thought about was that dollar bill I had stuck up my nose.

--George Carlin

pink rose flower

Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded.

--George Carlin

Longer Version:

Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded. You see the brands -- Nike, Puma, Coke -- all over their bodies. Pretty soon you'll go to a family and say, "$100,000 if we can tattoo Pepsi on your child's forehead, and we'll have it removed when he's twenty-one. A hundred grand.


grassland landscape

The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.

--George Carlin

three pink tulip flowers

I'll bet there aren't too many people hooked on crack who can play the bagpipes.

--George Carlin


fawn pug eating food

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

--George Carlin

woman holding brown umbrella

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

--George Carlin

blue rose in close up photography

The enjoyment has been diminishing. Now, there's no question that it's sort of fun to get high.

--George Carlin

pink and white abstract painting

Regarding jam sessions: Jazz musicians are the only workers I can think of who are willing to put in a full shift for pay and then go somewhere else and continue to work for free.

--George Carlin

green and red flowers

Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

--George Carlin

three people standing inside Big Ben building

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?

--George Carlin

pink rose

I was surprised when I started getting old. I always thought it was one of those things that would happen to someone else.

--George Carlin

pink flower

The secret of success is doing something you love, doing it well and being recognized for it.

--George Carlin

woman in blue denim jacket and black pants standing beside train

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

--George Carlin


green leafed plant

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

--George Carlin

silhouette photography of man sitting on rock

Why do they bother with a suicide watch when someone is on death row? "Keep an eye on this guy. We're gonna kill him, and we don't want him to hurt himself.

--George Carlin


black dog photography

I believe you can joke about anything.

--George Carlin

adult black and tan dachshund

We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values.

--George Carlin

yellow flower field near bare trees during daytime

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

--George Carlin

photo of clear sky full of stars

I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.

--George Carlin

Blue to purple gradient

In the Navy, there is no wrong hole. In the Marines, there is always a hole.

--George Carlin

red

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

--George Carlin

silhouette of person's hands forming heart

As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.

--George Carlin

forest trees photograph

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

--George Carlin

yellow and white color illustration

Because Brenda Carlin had a drinking problem along with the coke, she had to hit bottom first. Most alcoholics do. And for her, bottom was an automobile accident that almost landed her in jail.

--George Carlin


white and blue ice in water

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

--George Carlin


closeup photo of bird beside purple petal flowers

Never let the brain idle. ‘An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

--George Carlin



man raising arms between greenfield

You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

--George Carlin


Arizona landscape

If I ever lose my mind I hope some honest person will find it and take it to Lost and Found.

--George Carlin

person surfing on sea waves during daytime

Sometimes, when I was really loaded, I'd sit on the floor and sort out every nut and bolt in the house. It was just sheer insanity. And often there'd be speed in the cut, so I was a speed freak, too.

--George Carlin

shallow focus photography of condenser microphone

I always have these little internal monologues. You'll get used to them.

--George Carlin





person holding pocket watch

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

--George Carlin

None

Don't just teach your children to read…
Teach them to question what they read.
Teach them to question everything.

--George Carlin

yellow, orange, red, green, and blue abstract painting

If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die...where does the sacred part come in?

--George Carlin


white

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that.

--George Carlin

brown trees on brown field during daytime

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

--George Carlin

We wish you a perfect day!