Inspiration and wisdom from divine felines

163 Inspiring Quotes by Groucho Marx

Welcome to our collection of quotes by Groucho Marx.

Wikipedia Summary for Groucho Marx

Julius Henry "Groucho" Marx (October 2, 1890 – August 19, 1977) was an American comedian, actor, writer, stage, film, radio, and television star. He is generally considered to have been a master of quick wit and one of America's greatest comedians.

He made 13 feature films as a team with his siblings the Marx Brothers, of whom he was the third-born. He also had a successful solo career, primarily on radio and television, most notably as the host of the game show You Bet Your Life.

His distinctive appearance, carried over from his days in vaudeville, included quirks such as an exaggerated stooped posture, spectacles, cigar, a thick greasepaint mustache, and eyebrows. These exaggerated features resulted in the creation of one of the most recognizable and ubiquitous novelty disguises, known as Groucho glasses: a one-piece mask consisting of horn-rimmed glasses, a large plastic nose, bushy eyebrows and mustache.

fireplace on fire

Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.

--Groucho Marx

silhouette of person wearing cowboy hat during sunset

I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.

--Groucho Marx

blue sky with stars during night time

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

--Groucho Marx

white smoke

Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life.

--Groucho Marx

Arizona landscape

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

--Groucho Marx

desert grassland

How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

--Groucho Marx

brown rocky mountain under blue sky during daytime

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

--Groucho Marx

black and white giraffe on brown grass field

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

--Groucho Marx

city lights from hill

Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!

--Groucho Marx

cutest pug portrait

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

--Groucho Marx

low-angle photography of green leaf tree

Was that you or the duck?

--Groucho Marx

blue and white striped textile

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

--Groucho Marx

None

Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.

--Groucho Marx

fireplace on fire

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

--Groucho Marx

white wooden hut during daytime

No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.

--Groucho Marx

rocks on sea side at daytime

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

--Groucho Marx

crescent moon above mountain

Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.

--Groucho Marx

silhouette of person jumping in mid air

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

--Groucho Marx

None

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

--Groucho Marx

photo of brown parquet

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

--Groucho Marx

white and black floral textile

The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

--Groucho Marx

stars in the sky during night time

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

--Groucho Marx

silhouette of mountain

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

--Groucho Marx

woman in white and black stripe long sleeve shirt standing beside brown concrete building during daytime

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

--Groucho Marx

bonfire in forest

Hey you! I told you to slow that nag down! Because of you, I almost heard the opera!

--Groucho Marx

woman standing on forest

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

--Groucho Marx

lights pattern swirls

Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world.

--Groucho Marx

man sitting on concrete brick with opened laptop on his lap

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

--Groucho Marx

Arizona landscape

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

--Groucho Marx

man raising arms between greenfield

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?

--Groucho Marx

boat on sea far away from island

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

--Groucho Marx

sunset

Room service? Send up a larger room.

--Groucho Marx

man in orange jacket and black pants doing snow ski during daytime

I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.

--Groucho Marx

aerial photography of gray and white stone lot

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

--Groucho Marx

Arizona landscape donkey

I hate London when it's not raining.

--Groucho Marx

selective focus photo of brown guitar on white pillow

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.

--Groucho Marx

brown and white butterfly on purple petaled flower

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

--Groucho Marx

adult black and tan dachshund

I remember the first time I had sex -- I kept the receipt.

--Groucho Marx

grassland landscape

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

--Groucho Marx

Longer Version:

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.


red flowers with water droplets

If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.

--Groucho Marx

blue rose in close up photography

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

--Groucho Marx

None

He goes around with a mustache. I go around with a mustache; Don't you think a mustache can get lonely?

--Groucho Marx

green ceramic mug beside book

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

--Groucho Marx

Longer Version:

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.


Bryce Canyon National Park Sunrise Point at Utah

One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!

--Groucho Marx

grayscale photography of mountain surrounded by trees

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

--Groucho Marx

brown rocky mountain under blue sky during daytime

And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!

--Groucho Marx

person standing on top of mountain

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

--Groucho Marx

photo of gray elephant on grass

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

--Groucho Marx

crack in wall

Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.

--Groucho Marx

Blue to purple gradient

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

--Groucho Marx

man in blue tank top holding green and black skateboard

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

--Groucho Marx

woman in white and multicolored floral shirt standing and smiling on yellow sunflower field

Hello, I must be going.

--Groucho Marx

Longer Version:

Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.


gray cactus plant on white pot

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

--Groucho Marx

yellow sunflowers

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

--Groucho Marx

person holding yellow petaled flower

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

--Groucho Marx

sunset woman at beach

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

--Groucho Marx

person standing on rock formation during daytime

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill.

--Groucho Marx

blue mountains at daytime

What have future generations ever done for us?

--Groucho Marx

yellow sunflowers under white clouds and blue sky

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

--Groucho Marx

silhouette of mountain during sunset

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

--Groucho Marx

red rose in close up photography

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face.

--Groucho Marx


bonfire on focus photography

Women should be obscene, not heard.

--Groucho Marx

green sports court illustration

It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.

--Groucho Marx

withered tree surrounded with snow during daytime

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

--Groucho Marx

bonfire in forest

I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove.

--Groucho Marx

pink tulip flower

Here lies Groucho Marx and Lies and Lies and Lies P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.

--Groucho Marx

rock formation under starry skies

There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.

--Groucho Marx

fine trees waving

I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.

--Groucho Marx

mountains under white mist at daytime

There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.

--Groucho Marx

band performing on stage in front of people

The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.

--Groucho Marx

red flowers with water droplets

He Harpo loved life and lived it joyously and deeply and that's about as good an epitaph as anyone can have.

--Groucho Marx

round black and white analog alarm clock

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

--Groucho Marx

rock formation under starry skies

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

--Groucho Marx


brown mountain at nighttime

How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.

--Groucho Marx

mountains under starry sky during nighttime

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

--Groucho Marx

person on road at sunset

Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight."

--Groucho Marx

brown grass field during daytime

The only game I like to play is "Old Maid," providing she's not too old.

--Groucho Marx

white stars cutout on black surface with red string

I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills.

--Groucho Marx

brown and gray stick

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

--Groucho Marx

pink tulips on gray wooden surface

There's one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

--Groucho Marx

woman holding cake looking up

Africa is God's country, and He can have it.

--Groucho Marx

woman standing on sunflower field

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!

--Groucho Marx

None

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

--Groucho Marx

brown textile in close up image

If you were a man, you'd go into business
for yourself. I know a fellow who started out last year with just a
canoe. Now he's got more women than you can shake a stick at, if
that's your idea of a good time.

--Groucho Marx

green pine trees near mountain under blue sky during daytime

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

--Groucho Marx

blue sky with stars during night time

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

--Groucho Marx

rocky mountain

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!" the second added.

--Groucho Marx

brown and white butterfly on purple petaled flower

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

--Groucho Marx

red strawberry fruit on red surface

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

--Groucho Marx

landscape photography of mountain

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

--Groucho Marx

blue ocean

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.

--Groucho Marx

silhouette of person standing beside bare tree under stary sky

Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while.

--Groucho Marx

blue wallpaper

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

--Groucho Marx

red tulip flowers under calm blue sky

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

--Groucho Marx

minimalist photography of open door

I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.

--Groucho Marx

lone tree in grassland

Home is where you hang your head.

--Groucho Marx

flat lay photography teacup on top of saucer

I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.

--Groucho Marx

pink, red, and black digital wallpaper

If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.

--Groucho Marx

person looking at the milkyway

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

--Groucho Marx

person sitting on black surface looking to sky

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

--Groucho Marx

blue and white abstract painting

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.

--Groucho Marx

sunflower

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

--Groucho Marx


man and woman kissing beside body of water during daytime

You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way.

--Groucho Marx

black and white bird on seashore

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

--Groucho Marx

two white flowers

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood.

--Groucho Marx

woman in white and multicolored floral shirt standing and smiling on yellow sunflower field

Time wounds all heels.

--Groucho Marx

four orange, green, blue, and red paint rollers

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

--Groucho Marx

eyeglasses in bokeh photography

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.

--Groucho Marx

shallow focus photography of brown and black bird

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

--Groucho Marx

yellow sunflower under blue sky during daytime

If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.

--Groucho Marx

yellow sunflower in bloom during daytime

TV is the rat race of the century.

--Groucho Marx


iceberg near mountain during day

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

--Groucho Marx

shallow focus photography of snowflake

Patience is the art of finding something else to do.

--Groucho Marx

calm body of water near alp mountains during nighttime

The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.

--Groucho Marx

close-up photograph of black dreadnought acoustic guitar

Now there's a man with an open mind -- you can feel the breeze from here!

--Groucho Marx

blue mountains at daytime

Only if the computers really love each other.

--Groucho Marx

low angle photo of starry night

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

--Groucho Marx

pug lying on pet bed

Do they allow tipping on the boat? -- Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? -- Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

--Groucho Marx

brown chopped logs

I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down.

--Groucho Marx

closeup photo of lounger chairs and beach umbrellas

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have.

--Groucho Marx

Longer Version:

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!


woman in black shirt walking on sidewalk near brown concrete wall partition

Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.

--Groucho Marx

shallow focus photography of brown and black bird

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

--Groucho Marx

minimalist photography of open door

When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth.

--Groucho Marx

close-up photo of two men shaking hands near beach at sunset

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

--Groucho Marx


brown chopped logs

I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip.

--Groucho Marx

person holding gray and beige roman numeral alarm clock

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.

--Groucho Marx

green leafed tree with sunlight at daytime

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

--Groucho Marx

brown, black, and white butterfly on purple petaled flower photo

You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.

--Groucho Marx


three pink tulip flowers

Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.

--Groucho Marx

white and black boat on sea during daytime

The only real laughter comes from despair.

--Groucho Marx

gray elephant

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

--Groucho Marx

aerial view of gray building on brown sand

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

--Groucho Marx

green leaf in close up photography

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

--Groucho Marx

silhouette of person wearing cowboy hat during sunset

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you.

--Groucho Marx

man in black pants sitting on chair

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

--Groucho Marx

brown and white short coated dog lying on white surface

Humor is reason gone mad.

--Groucho Marx


leafless tree on snow covered ground

I'm not feeling very well -- I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

--Groucho Marx

silhouette photography of person in gray sailing boat in the middle of body of water

Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

--Groucho Marx

brown pathway between green plants

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

--Groucho Marx

jumping on snow covered mountain during daytime

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

--Groucho Marx

pink and teal striped textile

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

--Groucho Marx

man standing on sand while spreading arms beside calm body of water

Here's to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!

--Groucho Marx

aerial photography of forest

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water.

--Groucho Marx

Longer Version:

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.


man sitting on concrete brick with opened laptop on his lap

Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket.

--Groucho Marx


black wooden louver door window

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

--Groucho Marx

time lapse photography of lightning during storm

Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.

--Groucho Marx

crack in wall

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

--Groucho Marx

minimalist photography of open door

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed... But we're going back next week.

--Groucho Marx


people raises hands

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

--Groucho Marx

shooting star in night sky

You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?

--Groucho Marx

Longer Version:

You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces.


three people paddling in canoe

Any place I hang my head is home.

--Groucho Marx

landscape photo of mountain during nighttime

I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue).

--Groucho Marx

silhouette of trees during nighttime

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

--Groucho Marx

orange flowers

Mrs. Teasdale: He's had a change of heart. Groucho: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.

--Groucho Marx

We wish you a perfect day!