Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.
I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.
If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.
Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life.
Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.
How much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?
Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.
Hail, hail Freedonia, land of the free!
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Was that you or the duck?
I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.
Madam, you're making history, in fact, you're making me, and I wish you'd keep my hands to yourself.
Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.
No man goes before his time -- unless the boss leaves early.
Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.
Oh, why can't we break away from all this, just you and I, and lodge with my fleas in the hills? I mean flee to my lodge in the hills.
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.
The difference between a politician and a snail is that the snail leaves its slime behind. Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.
Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.
I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.
Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.
Hey you! I told you to slow that nag down! Because of you, I almost heard the opera!
Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.
Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world.
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?
Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!
Room service? Send up a larger room.
I wouldn't want to belong to a club that would have me as a member.
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
I hate London when it's not raining.
Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.
I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.
I remember the first time I had sex -- I kept the receipt.
No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it. I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.
If you take cranberries and stew them like apple sauce, it tastes much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.
He goes around with a mustache. I go around with a mustache; Don't you think a mustache can get lonely?
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.
Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.
One woman and one man might have been OK in your grandmother's day, but who wants to marry your grandmother? Not even your grandfather!
The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.
And stop pointing that beard at me, it might go off!
If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.
A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
Hello, I must be going.
Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.
Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.
Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.
Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?
Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill.
What have future generations ever done for us?
She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.
Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?
Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses-On second thought, just let me cover your face.
Women should be obscene, not heard.
It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.
Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.
I can see you in the kitchen bending over a hot stove, and I can't see the stove.
Here lies Groucho Marx and Lies and Lies and Lies P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.
There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.
I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.
There is no sweeter sound than the crumbling of one's fellow man.
The Alps are a simple folk, living on a diet of old shoes. And the Lord Alps those who alp themselves.
He Harpo loved life and lived it joyously and deeply and that's about as good an epitaph as anyone can have.
Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)
My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.
How do you feel about women's rights? I like either side of them.
I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.
Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight."
The only game I like to play is "Old Maid," providing she's not too old.
I'll never forget my wedding day... they threw vitamin pills.
Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.
There's one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.
Africa is God's country, and He can have it.
There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!
Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.
If you were a man, you'd go into business
for yourself. I know a fellow who started out last year with just a
canoe. Now he's got more women than you can shake a stick at, if
that's your idea of a good time.
I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.
Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!" the second added.
Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.
Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.
My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.
Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while.
It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.
I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.
I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.
Home is where you hang your head.
I eat like a vulture. Unfortunately the resemblance doesn't end there.
If income tax is the price you have to pay to keep the government on its feet, alimony is the price we have to pay for sweeping a woman off hers.
Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.
Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.
A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
You are going Uruguay, and I'm going my way.
I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.
Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood.
Time wounds all heels.
Do you mind if I don't smoke?
Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.
Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!
If you are one of those lucky persons who own a pen that writes underwater, you might try living in a swimming pool.
TV is the rat race of the century.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Patience is the art of finding something else to do.
The Two Most Important Words In The World Are Honesty And Sincerity, If You Can Fake These You've Got It Made.
Now there's a man with an open mind -- you can feel the breeze from here!
Only if the computers really love each other.
In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
Do they allow tipping on the boat? -- Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? -- Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.
I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down.
You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have.
You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!
Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.
A man is only as old as the woman he feels.
When discovered by his wife, kissing the maid, Groucho said, "I was just whispering in her mouth.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
I met my wife on a ferry boat, and when we landed she gave me the slip.
If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.
Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.
You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.
Let there be dancing in the streets, drinking in the saloons, and necking in the parlor.
The only real laughter comes from despair.
Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.
Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, and that's not saying much for you.
I must confess, I was born at a very early age.
Humor is reason gone mad.
I'm not feeling very well -- I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.
Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.
Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.
Before I speak, I have something important to say.
Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.
Here's to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water.
Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.
Three years ago I came to Florida without a nickel in my pocket. Now I've got a nickel in my pocket.
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?
Comedians are a much rarer and far more valuable commodity than all the gold and precious stones in the world.
Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?
We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed... But we're going back next week.
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces?
You're heading for a breakdown. Why don't you pull yourself to pieces.
Any place I hang my head is home.
I know a member of one of New York's first families (first as you drive up Tenth Avenue).
From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.
Mrs. Teasdale: He's had a change of heart. Groucho: A lot of good that'll do him. He's still got the same face.