Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery; come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."
You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn't there, find a new favorite.
She's so hairy -- when she lifted up her arm I thought it was Tina Turner in her armpit.
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."
I'm never without a bandage.
All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
Life does not measure up to performing... Performing is perfect.
I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
When you begin to losing your audience, do not get loud; get quiet, make them find you and come back to you.
Comedy exists to laugh at things that aren't laughable. But isn't it? That's what separates us from the animals. We laugh.
I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing.
The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
I use a smoke alarm as a timer.
All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.
A female salmon lays three thousand eggs a year -- and has yet to receive a Mother's Day card from one of them.
I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss -- no matter what they tell you.
As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.
It's feast or famine in showbiz.
My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
I am furious about everything.
Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me "sir."
I have no boobs whatsoever. On my wedding night my husband said, 'Let me help you with those buttons' and I told him, 'I'm completely naked.'
I hate Billings, Montana. They have a fashion show at Sears Roebuck.
I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'
Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
Having my daughter, I screamed for twenty-three hours straight. And that was just during conception.
When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.
Listen. I wish I could tell you it gets better. But, it doesn't get better. You get better.
The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse.
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny. Next. Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken's vote.
I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives.
I said, "Is there!" I told him there is a Mafia school where they teach them math -- if Johnny has ten fingers and they cut off two, how many does he have left?
Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly -- hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.
I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for Best Special Effects."
Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.
My mother told me 'man on top, woman underneath.' For years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business -- rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
The act of creation fascinates me. You can only sit with blank page and wait. You cannot press a button, cannot program it.
I started my career in a town so small the local clinic was called Fred's Hospital and Grill.
I hate Arizona. It's always eight hundred degrees outside and everybody's always saying, ‘But it's a dry heat!' So's the inside of my microwave.'
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I.
My personal style is over-the-top dowager. The old days they said get dressed and take one thing off, I say get dressed and put one thing on.
My mother could make anybody feel guilty -- she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it.
I am a huge 'Downton Abbey' fan -- huge!
I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
I have no sex appeal. If my husband didn't toss and turn, we'd never have had any kids.
I want to be buried in a Valentino gown and I want Harry Winston to make me a toe tag.
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
I don't excercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
I've always been salaried; I've never owned anything. I've done very well, lived very well.
Any form of complacency is the kiss of death for any professional.
I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.
My mother loved entertaining, and I've followed suit, so we have big celebrations for New Year, Passover, Thanksgiving and birthdays.
Emotional troubles are like landfill. Get them outside, and the air disintegrates them.
I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
I get butterflies before I go out to say hello at a party.
I could stop and live carefully but that's ridiculous. I don't want to live carefully.
I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
When I turn down work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I don't know where the next job is going to come from.
One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she's mean.
Dogs are easier to love than people; they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.
I am driven. Being driven is my energy source. It is my fun.…I believe that where there is action, there is movement, and those ripples will eventually produce something positive.
I hate McDonald's. I don't want to order my dinner by yelling into a clown's mouth. If I want my face in a clown's mouth, I'll tongue kiss Glenn Beck.
I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.
Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
My mother was a very elegant woman. When a flying saucer landed on the lawn, she turned it over to see if it was Wedgwood.
If you're not a wreck in this business, you're not around.
With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.
My body is dropping so fast, my gynecologist wears a hard hat.
I was a Brownie Scout mother.
Reading should be a pleasure, not a chore.
I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.
You've gotta understand -- when you interview someone, it's not an interrogation. It's not the Nuremberg Trials.
With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is -- without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.
If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life; my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is God's gift, that's why we call it the present.
I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are 'age appropriate.' For me that would be a shroud.
I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.
I love Katy Perry! She's very charming.
I will work as hard as I do because I love it.
You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
I have no sex appeal, which kills me. The only way I can ever hear heavy breathing from my husband's side of the bed is when he's having an asthma attack.
When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now...once he opened the car door for me in the last four years -- we were on the freeway at the time.
Keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.
I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.
Having a baby can be a scream.
I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
Self-pity shortens your life.
I can't wear yellow anymore. It's too matchy-matchy with my catheter.
My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese. Most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.
Don't talk to me about gravity. When I get out of bed in the morning, I have to be careful not to step on my breasts.
I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
Looking fifty is great -- if you're sixty.
I have never learned how to tell somebody something good about myself; that should be a secret they must find out .
I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
Maybe that is why in my comedy I try and puncture the hypocrisy all around us, why it is almost a crusade with me to strip life down to what really is true.
The last time I appeared in Las Vegas, they were wearing hoop skirts and Davy Crockett hats, ... But they say 'What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.' And as far as fashion is concerned, that's a good thing.
Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !
When I am on E! for the 'Fashion Police,' I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends.
Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.
I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It has taken off. We are the number one show in England on E! Who knew?
Omaha is a little like Newark, without Newark's glamour.
Edgar had a heart attack, and I'm to blame. We were making love, and I took the bag off my head.
I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.
Never floss with a stranger.
What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.
You know it's time to start using mouthwash when your dentist leaves the room and sends in a canary.
A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.
Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe.
Somehow, some way, every person in the arts has to find an accommodation with disappointment and embarrassment. They are the pollen in the air we breathe. If you must go into the arts, go into them for yourself alone. On some basic level you must enjoy the act of doing it ... Otherwise, you are going to end up frustrated and unhappy. Recognition in the arts is luck and gravy.
I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.
I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
I think I've lost 3lbs -- I'm very, very happy. I thought of it as work and a spa.
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, "Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia?" Shelia had died at birth.
Don't cook. Don't clean. No man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum.
Just remember: Surviving is the best revenge, no matter what the disaster has been.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
The revelation that personal truth can be the foundation of comedy, that outrageousness can be cleansing and healthy.
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.