Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
I always knew I wanted to become somebody when I grew up. Now I realize I should have been more specific.
We don't care. We don't have to. We're the phone company.
If you read a lot of books you are considered well read. But if you watch a lot of TV, you're not considered well viewed.
I always wondered why somebody doesn't do something about that. Then I realized I was somebody.
The problem with winning the rat race is you're still a rat.
Reality is nothing but a collective hunch.
Even when I'm being funny, I'm deadly serious.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
You can't expect insights, even the big ones, to make you suddenly understand everything. But I figure: Hey it's a step in the right direction if they leave you confused in a deeper way.
After all, in private, we're all misfits.
What is reality, anyway? Just a collective hunch.
I was always empathetic with animals. It's a terrible and self-involved point of view that we do something because someone else is exploitable.
Just remember, we're all in this alone.
Lady, I do not make up things. That is lies. Lies are not true. But the truth could be made up if yo know how. And that's the truth.
9 to 5 made people aware of equal pay for equal work. It hasn't really happened, but it has come closer.
We're all in this alone.
I worry about kids today -- because of the sexual revolution, they're going to grow up and never know what "dirty" means.
I guess that's one of the reasons that you do it -- work all the time -- because it's sort of a high to find something that really works.
Infinity is just time on an ego trip.
Did you know, throughout the cosmos they found intelligent life forms that play to play? We are the only ones that play to win. Explains why we have more than our share of losers.
When we talk to god, it's prayer. When god talks to us, it's schizophrenia.
I've always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
I still believe that sex is dirty. It's just that now I wouldn't have it any other way.
Success is a ladder that cannot be climbed with your hands in your pocket The road to success is always under construction.
The phone company handles 84 billion calls a year-everything from kings, queens, and presidents to the scum of the earth.
If I had known what it would be like to have it all -- I might have been willing to settle for less.
The formula for water is H2O. Is the formula for an ice cube H2O squared?
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.
When I've had a meltdown, people will say to me, "Well, you failed to keep your sense of humor."
I have always wanted to be somebody, but I see now I should have been more specific.
No matter how cynical you become, it's never enough to keep up.
Sometimes I feel like a figment of my own imagination.
You know being relevant or coming up with something interesting, funny to say about what's current is just as hard as it might ever be depending on the serendipity of it all.
Wouldn't it be great if we all grew up to be what we wanted to be? The world would be full of nurses, firemen, and ballerinas.
Remember we're all in this alone.
It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.
Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them.
I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.
I especially love 'Web Therapy' and I did 'Eastbound and Down' too. I had a lot of fun doing that.
When I was 9 or 10, I had a ten-cent business: I would walk your dog for a dime, go to the store for a dime, empty your garbage for a dime -- and then I could use the money to buy tricks at the magic store.
Creating characters is just another way to express a type and put that type to use.
There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is becoming an endangered synthetic.
Did you know, in the entire universe, we are the only intelligent life forms thought to have a Miss Universe contest?
If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in a library?