All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
I went to a cigar store, the man behind the counter asked me, "What kind of cigars do you like?" I answered, "It's a Boys."
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign,' just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Have you ever tried sugar or PCP?
They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!
I'm a hard act to follow, because when I'm done, I take the microphone with me.
I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.
I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.
I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.
My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?
Onions make me sad, a lot of people don't realize that. When I'm cutting onions, I'm sad. Because the plight of onions, it's sad. But people don't realize I'm actually crying -- they think I'm just reacting.
Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8?
If you drink O'Douls, you don't drink; but if you drink 20 O'Douls in a half hour, then you're a non-alcoholic.
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!
I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."
Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.
No, I was just good at holding ice cream cones.
I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."
I have some speakers up here, thank God, because last night I didn't have them and I was telling jokes and I had no idea which joke I was telling. So I told jokes twice. I even told that one twice.
Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.
Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see."
Swiss Cheese is a rip-off It's the only cheese I can bite into and miss.
Rice is great when you're hungry and you want 2000 of something.
As a comedian, you have to start the show strong and you have to end the show strong. Those are the two key elements. You can't be like pancakes. You're all happy at first, but then by the end, you're sick of 'em.
I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?
I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.
I got an ant farm; them fellas didn't grow sh*t.
I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow anything. Hey, how about some celery? Plus, if I tore your legs off, you would look like snowmen.
A snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.
This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.
Well, I was lost but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!
I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.
I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.
This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... it's dirty.
Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.
I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.
Then let's print up some flyers!
A lot of bands have intense names, like "Rigor Mortis" or "Mortuary." We weren't that intense, we called ourselves "Injured." Later on we changed it to "Acapella" when we were walking out of the pawn shop.
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.
I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.
I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.
I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves. It's kind of sad. Okay you don't think you'll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.
I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.
Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience.
I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er."
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary.
I saw a human pyramid once. It was very unnecessary. It did not need to exist.
I would not want to be a mobile home repo man. Those would be hard to sneak away -- "Knock knock -- Hi, would you go cut your grass and look that way for a half an hour?"
I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes.
I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.
When you open the elevator on the top floor of a building and the other guy doesn't get out, something is seriously wrong.
I like rice. Rice is great if you're hungry and want 2000 of something picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.
I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?" He says, "No." I say, "Cool, because you know me."
I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.
Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
Comedy clubs have brick walls behind the performer. Bricks make you funny. When I'm in front of a fireplace, I'm hilarious.
I used to drink wine. This girl asked me, "Doesn't wine give you a headache?" "Yeah, eventually, but the first and the middle part are amazing!"
If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.
If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a boating enthusiast. I hope they call me a guy who likes to boat.
I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
I don't have any children, but if I had a baby, I would have to name it, so I would get a baby-naming book. Or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.
I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.
I saw on HBO they were advertising a boxing match "It's a fight to the finish." That's a good place to end.
I miss the $2 bill, 'cause I can break a two. $20, no. $10, no. $5, maybe, $2? Oh yeah. What do you need, a one and another one?
I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.
I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry," and so it died.
I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.
I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.
I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! "Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner.
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.
At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said Certainly. He said Do I need to dial 9 I say Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick.
People who smoke cigarettes, they say "You don't know how hard it is to quit smoking." Yes I do. It's as hard as it is to start flossing.
I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.
The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.
I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.
If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.
If you are flammable and have legs, you are not blocking a fire exit.
I was walking down the street with my friend and he said 'I hear music,' as though there's any other way to take it in. 'You're not special. That's how I receive it too... I tried to taste it, but it did not work'.
I hate sandwiches at New York delis. Too much meat on the sandwich. It's like a cow with a cracker on either side. "Would you like anything else with the pastrami sandwich?" "Yeah, a loaf of bread and some other people!
I tried to have a cookie, and this girl said, I'm mailing these cookies to a friend. So I couldn't have one. You shouldn't make cookies untouchable.
I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?' I said, ‘Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'.
A lollipop is a cross between hard candy and garbage.
I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.
I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.
If I was a mechanic and someone called me and said their car would not start, I would say, Hey -- maybe a killer is after you!
My manager said, "Don't use liquor as a crutch!" I can't use liquor as a crutch, because a crutch helps me walk.
Cavities are made by sugar. So if you need to dig a hole, then lay down some candy bars!
I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwiches? All-encompassingly.
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."
I hate arrows. They try to tell me which direction to go. It's like "I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!
I was in a convenience store, reading a magazine. The clerk told me, "this is not a library!" "OK! I will talk louder, then!"
I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean. I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.
My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
You know crazy straws -- they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy.
I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too -- in the bedroom.
I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.
I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win.
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.
My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.
I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.
Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.
I called the hotel operator and she said, "How can I direct your call?" I said, "Well, you could say 'Action!,' and I'll begin to dial. And when I say 'Goodbye,' then you can yell 'Cut!'
If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for. That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.
I wrote a script, and I gave it to a guy who reads scripts, and he read it, and he liked it, but he said he thinks I ought to re-write it. I said, "Fuck that -- I'll just make a copy!
I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I like wearing necklaces, because it lets me know when I'm upside down.
You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.
I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.
I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.
I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.
I like cinnamon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.
Escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience.
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus... one of those two doesn't sound right.
I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records. Nothing was alphabetized!
A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."
I think we should only get 3 honks a month on the car horn. Then, someone cuts you off, you press the horn, and nothing happens. You're like, "Crap! I wish I hadn't seen Ricky on the sidewalk!
Foosball screwed up my perception of soccer. I though you had to kick the ball and then spin around and around. I can't do a back flip, much less several simultaneously with two other guys.
What am I drinking? NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident. Herpes.
I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the words and adding new ones.
A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.
I would like it if four people did a cartwheel all at once... so I can make a cart.
I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
I make myself a bowl of instant oatmeal, and then I don't do anything for an hour. Why do I need the instant oatmeal? I could get the regular oatmeal and feel productive.
When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the hell did you get that banana at.
I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.