You're best when you're not in charge. The ego locks the muse.
The things we fear the most have already happened to us.
In California, we are a sixty percent Hispanic state, we elected an Austrian governor. Even old Nazis are going "That's weird.
It's been a tough year... Someone said I should send out Buddhist thank-you cards since Buddhists believe that anything that challenges you makes you pull yourself together.
Sometimes you have to make a movie to make money.
That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well-preserved.
The great thing about marriage is the idea of really getting to know someone. And really getting to know a woman is a life long task.
You've got to be crazy! It's too late to be sane, too late. You've got to go full tilt bozo... ‘Cause you're only given a little spark of madness... and if you lose that, you're nothing.
You might say he was one taco short of a combination platter.
Canada is like a loft apartment over a really great party.
Do you think God gets stoned? I think so... look at the platypus.
I believe Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was... a large Arctic region covered with ice.
Three wishes -- no substitutes, exchanges or refunds.
Make your life spectacular, I know I did.
If we're going to fight a disease, let's fight one of the most terrible diseases of all, indifference.
Divorce is expensive. I used to joke they were going to call it 'all the money,' but they changed it to 'alimony.' It's ripping your heart out through your wallet.
But only in their dreams can men be truly free. It was always thus and always thus will be.
Freud: If it's not one thing, it's your mother.
It's always great when you want scientific fact to get a really good science fiction writer to talk to you about it.
Gentlemen, haven't we learned anything from the music of John Lennon? All we need is love.
I met Jonah Lomu. I never knew how huge he was. I felt like a peasant in a Godzilla movie. 'Quickly! Tell the other villagers! We go now!'
If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.
The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying, 'Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and yelling, 'You want a piece of me?'
Decaf is like masturbating with an oven mitt!
The improv, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't, but when it does, it's like open-field running.
What's my credibility? Why are they looking to me for advice? Isn't there someone more qualified?
Jamie Kilstein is amazing and I will be spreading the word. He has the spark that energized my conscience. We need more comedians kicking it hard the way he does every night.
There's no question this is where I want to live. Never has been.
How much more can you give? Other than, literally, open-heart surgery onstage? Not much. But the only cure you have right now is the honesty of going, this is who you are. I know who I am.
Comedy is acting out optimism.
Ballet: men wearing pants so tight that you can tell what religion they are.
It's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut.
Please, don't worry so much. Because in the end, none of us have very long on this Earth. Life is fleeting.
My preference is live performance, because you get the feedback. There's an energy. It's live theater. That's why I think actors like that.
My preference is live performance. Because you get the feedback. There's an energy. It's live theater. That's why I think actors like that. You know, musicians need it, comedians definitely need it. It doesn't matter what size and what club, whether it's 30 people in the club or 2,000 in a hall or a theater. It's live, it's symbiotic, you need it.
I knew Matt Damon and Ben Affleck were really talented. As actors, they were both studly young men, and they had great writers' chops.
There's a time for daring and there's a time for caution, and a wise man understands which is called for.
Golf is a game where white men can dress up as black pimps and get away with it.
I love to ride my bike, which is great aerobics, but also just a great time for me to think, so it's like this terrific double bill.
As intellectual as we think we are, you still trip, we still have human foibles, sexuality, all the different things to still make you aware of your humanity.
You can start any 'Monty Python' routine and people finish it for you. Everyone knows it like shorthand.
It's frightening and exhilarating. It's like combat. Look at the metaphors: You kill when it works; you die when it doesn't.
Cocaine for me was a place to hide. Most people get hyper on coke. It slowed me down. Sometimes it made me paranoid and impotent, but mostly it just made me withdrawn.
When in doubt, go for the dick joke.
The Second Amendment says we have the right to bear arms, not to bear artillery.
Sometimes it's more noble to tell a small lie than to deliver a painful truth.
Winning an Oscar is an honor, but, between you and me, it does not makes things easier.
You appreciate little things, like walks on the beach with a defibrillator.
A human life is just a heartbeat in heaven.
But if there's love, dear... those are the ties that bind, and you'll have a family in your heart, forever.
You have this idea that you'd better keep working otherwise people will forget. And that was dangerous.
You have this idea that you'd better keep working otherwise people will forget. And that was dangerous. And then you realize, no, actually if you take a break people might be more interested in you.
You're still young. Being a true loser takes years of inaptitude.
The 'Aladdin' thing -- that's not work; that's just fun. Three days in the recording studio going mad, then the animators do all the work. Not a bad way to cash a large check, my friend.
I don't do well with snakes and I can't dance.
The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.
Change is not popular; we are creatures of habit as human beings. 'I want it to be the way it was.' But if you continue the way it was there will be no 'is.'
If you're basically having Frosted Flakes, and you're older than ten years old and it's after ten o'clock in the morning… I'm gonna guess: weed may be involved.
There's a show in America where all these people compete with ferrets, and they don't even do anything. They basically just hold them up, and if they don't bite you, they might win.
When I'm riding my bicycle I feel like a Buddhist who is happy just to enjoy his mundane existence.
You'll have bad times, but it'll always wake you up to the good stuff you weren't paying attention to.
Canadian money is also called the loony. How can you take an economic crisis seriously?
I was once on a German talk show, and this woman said to me, 'Mr. Williams, why do you think there is not so much comedy in Germany?' And I said, 'Did you ever think you killed all the funny people?'
I know size can be daunting but don't be afraid.
I've never had a "hankering" to direct. I can perform, but I can't write on that level. I tend to go off on tangents. Directing also requires a kind of specificity and I don't have it.
When Jonathan Winters died, it was like, 'Oh, man!' I knew he was frail, but I always thought he was going to last longer. I knew him as being really funny, but at the same time, he had a dark side.
There are no rules. Just follow your heart.
In England, if you commit a crime, the police don't have a gun and you don't have a gun. If you commit a crime, the police will say 'Stop, or I'll say stop again.'
I learned that by being entertaining you make a connection with another person.
To be free. Such a thing would be greater than all the magic and all the treasures in all the world.
I don't have a college degree, and my father didn't have a college degree, so when my son, Zachary, graduated from college, I said, "My boy's got learnin'!
Good people end up in Hell because they can't forgive themselves.
Montovani? They play Montovani to insomniacs that don't respond to strong drugs.
Seize the day. Make your life extraordinary.
I was a serious method actor until I visited this site.
I love kids, but they are a tough audience.
We had gay burglars the other night.
They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
I loved school, maybe too much, really. I was summa cum laude in high school. I was driven that way.
I had my back waxed once by two women... and at one point they said, Do you mind if we take a break?
When the media ask George W. Bush a question, he answers, 'Can I use a lifeline?'
All you have to do is think one happy thought, and you'll fly like me.
My style is bad white-boy dancing. I can do swing a little bit, but nothing beyond that. My solo dancing is sad. I use my arms, badly.
In the dictionary under redundant it says see redundant.
I try to make sense of things. Which is why, I guess, I believe in destiny. There must be a reason that I am as I am. There must be.
Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they've got nothing to lose.
She is not perfect. You are not perfect. The question is whether or not you are perfect for each other.
I loved running, but all of a sudden everything hurt so much. I started cycling when Zelda was born.
Terrible wars have been fought where millions have died for one idea -- freedom. And it seems that something that means so much to so many people would be worth having.
Sometimes, keeping track of people. It's always a weird combination of worrying so much about the outside world, and not... you have to be more aware of the inner circle, the folks that matter.
I've had a lot of people tell me they watched 'Old Dogs' with their kids and had a good time.
My children give me a great sense of wonder. Just to see them develop into these extraordinary human beings.
My children give me a great sense of wonder. Just to see them develop into these extraordinary human beings. And a favorite book as a child? Growing up, it was 'The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe' - I would read the whole C.S. Lewis series out loud to my kids. I was once reading to Zelda, and she said 'don't do any voices. Just read it as yourself.' So I did, I just read it straight, and she said 'that's better.'
You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I guarantee you, you'll win, no matter what the outcome.
The first time I tried organic wheat bread, I thought I was chewing on roofing material.
I enjoy performing for heavily armed people. It's easier than going to Georgia.
It's hard when you read an article saying bad things about you. It is as if someone is sticking a knife on your heart. But I am the harshest critic of my work.
It never fails -- you get in the bath and there's a rub at the lamp.
The hurricanes have been getting bigger and bigger. And they usually give them names that don't really inspire fear.
But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.
In America they really do mythologise people when they die.
Carpe per diem. Seize the check.
I love running cross country....On a track, I feel like a hamster.
I love running cross-country...You come up a hill and see two deer going, 'What the hell is he doing?' On a track I feel like a hamster.
Gentiles are people who eat mayonnaise for no reason.
I had to stop drinking alcohol, because I used to wake up nude in front of my car with my keys in my ass.
It is hard to find something where you can go off as much as I do in stand-up, but I think stand-up allows me that freedom where you can really go off and have a good time.
Why do they call it "rush hour" when nothing moves?
Cross-country running was so beautiful with all the trails and the lake regions ... very physical and also a bit spiritual, where you could come over the mountain and all of a sudden you'd see a Buddhist landscape fog.
What's right is what's left if you do everything else wrong.
Golf is one of the few sports where a white man can dress like a black pimp and not look bad.
An alcoholic is someone who can violate his standards faster than he can lower them.
Cocaine is God's way of telling you you are making too much money.
Women are incredibly intuitive. If anybody on the planet is going to evolve to the next level, that telekinetic thing, women will.
Taking Viagra after open heart surgery is like a Civil War re-enactment with live ammo. Not good.
Comedy can be a cathartic way to deal with personal trauma.
Sucking the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone.
And some people say Jesus wasn't Jewish. Of COURSE he was Jewish! 30 years old, single, lives with his parents, come on! He works in his father's business, his mom thought he was God's gift, he's Jewish! Give it up!
I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy.
I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy
because they know what it's like to feel absolutely worthless
and they don't want anyone else to feel like that.
Just now when I said, "I have a crush on you," you didn't say, "no way loser." I'd rather have a lobotomy by a leper. That means something.
Clouds are like boogers hanging on the nostrils of the moon.
If you're that depressed, reach out to someone. And remember, suicide is a permanent solution, to a temporary problem.
Along with the Oscars, the Academy is giving out a green card.
The only weapon we have is comedy.
Nobody takes a picture of something they want to forget.
The idea of having a steady job is appealing.
I think it's great when stories are dark and strange and weirdly personal.
Oh, no. To live... to live would be an awfully big adventure.
With a bike you go from zero to a hundred in terms of mobility.
We're not laughing at you -- we're laughing near you.
Being a famous print journalist is like being the best-dressed woman on radio.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
On stage you're free. You can say and do things that if you said and did any place else, you'd be arrested.
Keith Richards is the only man who can make the Osbournes look Amish.
Having George W. Bush giving a lecture on business ethics is like having a leper give you a facial, it just doesn't work!
Do you get the feeling with Sarah Palin, in high school, she was voted least likely to write a book and most likely to burn one?
I bought one of the first Nintendo systems and brought that home, and we were playing 'Legend of Zelda' at the time, and it was addicting, and I was playing it for hours and hours and hours.
You know the difference between a tornado and divorce in the south? Nothing! Someone is losing a trailer.
Spring is nature's way of saying, ‘Let's Party!'.
Never go to Pluto, it's a Mickey Mouse planet.
I'm a very tolerant man, except when it comes to holding a grudge.
The truth is, if anything, I'm probably addicted to laughter.
Self-reliance is the key to a vigorous life. A man must look inward to find his own answers.
Seize the day. Because, believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold, and die.
I have my morning coffee for two reasons. One, to kick start my brain, but number two, and more importantly, to jump start my colon.
People say satire is dead. It's not dead; it's alive and living in the White House.
Explore an idea until you've exhausted it, really go to all the different parameters of it.
A woman would never make a nuclear bomb. They would never make a weapon that kills, no, no. They'd make a weapon that makes you feel bad for a while.
A woman wouldn't make a bomb that kills you. A woman would make a bomb that makes you feel bad for a while. That's why there should be a woman President. There'd never be any wars, just every twenty-eight days there'd be very intense negotiations.
Sometimes with a comedy it's just having the instinct of how real you play it and what level you want it.
I have an idea for a movie called 'The Walken Dead' which is about a town where, instead of zombies, everyone becomes Chris Walken.
Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
I think 'Dead Poets' was probably my favorite, just to get started with the idea of doing a movie that people treated as more than a movie.
I have a difficult time doing an Irish accent; even now, it kind of fades slowly into Scottish.
Women! Can't live with 'em, can't live with 'em!
Cricket is basically baseball on valium.