When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.
With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.
When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.
It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.
Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?
I tell ya, my wife was never nice to me. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek, she bent over!
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!
Man, who don't like spaghetti?
Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!
I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!
I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you
rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.
Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex -- my wife screwed in front of the jury.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.
My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations -- we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
I'm so ugly. My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.
When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.
I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.
His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
I met the surgeon general -- he offered me a cigarette.
I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.
Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck.
My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.
My mother used to rock me -- and she used big rocks.
I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!
I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.
I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!
With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.
Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.
It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.
I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.
I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.
I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1 2 a calendar!
One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!
My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!
I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.
Comedy is a camouflage for depression.
I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.
I have three kids, one of each.
Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.
They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
My uncle's dying wish -- he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -- everyone hasn't met me yet.
She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !
Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
I say ‘no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.
In the high school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity, and he threw the teacher out of the window.
I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!
My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.
Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!
My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.
I can't get no respect.
My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful -- never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.
Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.
I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.
My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.
I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.
I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.
I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.