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162 Inspiring Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

  • Last updated Jul 26 2021

Welcome to our collection of quotes by Rodney Dangerfield.

Wikipedia Summary for Rodney Dangerfield

Jack Roy (born Jacob Rodney Cohen; November 22, 1921 – October 5, 2004), popularly known by the stage name Rodney Dangerfield, was an American stand-up comedian, actor, producer, screenwriter, musician and author. He was known for his self-deprecating one-liner humor, his catchphrase "I get no respect!" and his monologues on that theme.

He began his career working as a stand-up comic in the Borscht Belt resorts of the Catskill Mountains northwest of New York City. His act grew in popularity as he became a mainstay on late-night talk shows throughout the 1960s and 1970s, eventually developing into a headlining act on the Las Vegas casino circuit. His catchphrase "I don't get no respect!" came from an attempt to improve one of his stand-up jokes. "I played hide and seek; they wouldn't even look for me." He thought the joke would be stronger if it used the formulaic "I was so ..." beginning ("I was so poor," "He was so ugly," "She was so stupid," etc.). He tried "I get no respect," and got a much better response with the audience; it became a permanent feature of his act and comedic persona.

He appeared in a few bit parts in films such as The Projectionist throughout the 1970s, but his breakout film role came in 1980 as a boorish nouveau riche golfer in the ensemble comedy Caddyshack, which was followed by two more successful films in which he starred: 1983's Easy Money and 1986's Back to School. Additional film work kept him busy through the rest of his life, mostly in comedies, but with a rare dramatic role in 1994's Natural Born Killers as an abusive father. Health troubles curtailed his output through the early 2000s before his death in 2004, following a month in a coma due to complications from heart valve surgery.

silhouette of people riding bicycle

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again.

--Rodney Dangerfield

person standing on rock formation during daytime

With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.

--Rodney Dangerfield

yellow sunflowers

When I was a kid I got no respect. My mother breast fed me through a straw.

--Rodney Dangerfield

gray concrete surface

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they've done themselves.

--Rodney Dangerfield

pink flower

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

--Rodney Dangerfield

three person looking stars and milky way

My wife says 90% of sex occurs between the ears. But I need a girl who can blow more just my mind.

--Rodney Dangerfield


blue, yellow, and brown wall decor

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

--Rodney Dangerfield

white and gray cat

Life is just a bowl of pits.

--Rodney Dangerfield

stars on outer space

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

--Rodney Dangerfield

brown mountain

They say love thy neighbor as thy self , what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

--Rodney Dangerfield

person holding white book

I tell ya, my wife was never nice to me. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek, she bent over!

--Rodney Dangerfield

snow covered mountain under blue sky during daytime

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

--Rodney Dangerfield

silhouette of person standing beside bare tree under stary sky

And my girlfriend, she's FAT! How fat? She's so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

--Rodney Dangerfield

man and woman with dog on woods

Man, who don't like spaghetti?

--Rodney Dangerfield

grayscale photography of pug

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: 'Basement?'

--Rodney Dangerfield

green grass field

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

--Rodney Dangerfield

silhouette photo of person holding flashlight under milk way

To me, Viagra is the same as Disneyland. You wait an hour for a two-minute ride.

--Rodney Dangerfield


silhouette photo of mountain during night time

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

--Rodney Dangerfield

person holding white book

I've been writing jokes since I'm fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn't good to me.

--Rodney Dangerfield


closeup photo of bird beside purple petal flowers

For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.

--Rodney Dangerfield

person sleeping on gray gang chair

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

--Rodney Dangerfield


calm ocean

I'll tell ya, I don't get no respect... The other day, I got back from a business trip. I got in a cab and said to the driver, "Hey! Take me to where the action is!" So ya know where he took me? He took me to my house!

--Rodney Dangerfield

raging waves through shores

I asked my wife, 'On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you
rate me as a lover?' She said, 'You know I'm no good
at fractions.'

--Rodney Dangerfield

blue sky

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

--Rodney Dangerfield

full moon during day

Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex -- my wife screwed in front of the jury.

--Rodney Dangerfield

worm's eye view photography of pink cheery blossom tree

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

--Rodney Dangerfield

forest trees photograph

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

--Rodney Dangerfield

bird's eye view photography of trees and body of water

I asked my wife if she would put out the garbage. she said why should I you never put out for me.

--Rodney Dangerfield

pug lying on pet bed

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.

--Rodney Dangerfield

yellow sunflower in bloom during daytime

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

--Rodney Dangerfield

pink and blue sky with moon

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations -- we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

--Rodney Dangerfield

brown mountains under blue sky

I was so poor growing up...if I wasn't a boy...I'd have nothing to play with.

--Rodney Dangerfield

pink-petaled rose flower

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

--Rodney Dangerfield

flock of birds flying under blue sky during daytime

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

--Rodney Dangerfield

sunset forest

She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.

--Rodney Dangerfield

yellow flower in green grass field

I'm so ugly. My father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

--Rodney Dangerfield

person holding gray leaf

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

--Rodney Dangerfield

closeup photo of bird beside purple petal flowers

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

--Rodney Dangerfield

None

When my wife drives, there's always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There's water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where's the car? She said, In a lake.

--Rodney Dangerfield

pink and white tulips on white surface

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

--Rodney Dangerfield

green plant in tilt shift lens

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

--Rodney Dangerfield

shooting star in night sky

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

--Rodney Dangerfield

white wooden hut during daytime

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

--Rodney Dangerfield

blue and white abstract painting

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

--Rodney Dangerfield

grassland landscape

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

--Rodney Dangerfield

selective focus photo of iceberg on large body of water at winter

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

--Rodney Dangerfield

green ceramic mug on wooden desk

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had anything to play with.

--Rodney Dangerfield

silhouette photo of trees during night time

I met the surgeon general -- he offered me a cigarette.

--Rodney Dangerfield



man in blue jacket and blue pants carrying black and red backpack standing on snow covered

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought.

--Rodney Dangerfield

silhouette of elephant on brown sand during sunset

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

--Rodney Dangerfield

person standing on rock beside body of water between green trees

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I'm envious of a stiff wind.

--Rodney Dangerfield

None

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck.

--Rodney Dangerfield

desert grassland

My golf game is getting real good. Last week, I got through the windmill.

--Rodney Dangerfield

leafless tree on body of water during daytime

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

--Rodney Dangerfield

band performing on stage in front of people

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

--Rodney Dangerfield

green and white bird on black wire during daytime

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

--Rodney Dangerfield

mountains under white mist at daytime

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

--Rodney Dangerfield

brown mountain

I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.

--Rodney Dangerfield

bonfire near mountain

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

--Rodney Dangerfield

boat docked near house

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

--Rodney Dangerfield

woman standing on beachfront

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

--Rodney Dangerfield

green trees on brown dried leaves during daytime

If I could have dinner with anyone who lived in history, it would depend on the restaurant.

--Rodney Dangerfield

black and white duck on brown wooden dock during daytime

My mother used to rock me -- and she used big rocks.

--Rodney Dangerfield

pink and white abstract painting

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, "what, you can't think of anybody either?

--Rodney Dangerfield

gray-scale photo of man and woman holding hands

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

--Rodney Dangerfield

silhouette of person wearing cowboy hat during sunset

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

--Rodney Dangerfield

person standing on rock formation during daytime

I told my wife a man is like wine, he gets better with age. She locked me in the cellar.

--Rodney Dangerfield

castle surrounded fog

Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.

--Rodney Dangerfield

closeup photo of bird beside purple petal flowers

With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

--Rodney Dangerfield

milky way wallpaper

When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.

--Rodney Dangerfield

black dragonfly perched on green grass in close up photography during daytime

I come from a stupid family. My uncle heard that most deaths occurs within ten miles of the house...so he moved.

--Rodney Dangerfield

brown, black, and white butterfly on purple petaled flower photo

A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in HAWAII no days just nights.

--Rodney Dangerfield

purple petaled flower on gray surface

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

--Rodney Dangerfield

sunset

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

--Rodney Dangerfield


blue, yellow, and brown wall decor

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.

--Rodney Dangerfield

man jumping on hill during golden hour

I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!

--Rodney Dangerfield

sunset

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

--Rodney Dangerfield

brown and grey trees and rock formation painting

My father gave me a bat for Christmas. The first time I tried to play with it, it flew away.

--Rodney Dangerfield

white brick wall

Life is full of temporary situations, ultimately ending in a permanent solution.

--Rodney Dangerfield


green plants with white background

It's lonely on the top when there's no one on the bottom.

--Rodney Dangerfield


person holding green plant during daytime

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

--Rodney Dangerfield

sunset

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

--Rodney Dangerfield

white wooden dock on white sand

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, 'I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.' I brought Windex.

--Rodney Dangerfield

mixed paints in a plate

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

--Rodney Dangerfield


yellow and green forest during daytime

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

--Rodney Dangerfield


rock formation surrounding by body of water

You live with life's disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

--Rodney Dangerfield

sunset

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

--Rodney Dangerfield

body of water during daytime

You know you're old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

--Rodney Dangerfield

time lapse photography of lightning during storm

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

--Rodney Dangerfield





brown leaf tree facing the lake

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

--Rodney Dangerfield

four handheld gardening tools on rack

I'm getting so old my insurance company sends me 1 2 a calendar!

--Rodney Dangerfield


green plants beside brown wooden door

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

--Rodney Dangerfield

woman in black and white jacket standing on brown sand during daytime

My wife's so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!

--Rodney Dangerfield

green and white bird on black wire during daytime

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

--Rodney Dangerfield

four wooden boat on teal sea

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

--Rodney Dangerfield

red rose

I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.

--Rodney Dangerfield

blue sky with stars during night time

I told my doctor, "I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills" and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

--Rodney Dangerfield

blue and white painted wall

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

--Rodney Dangerfield


green leaf tree on shore

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won't let me toke at home.

--Rodney Dangerfield


brown trees under blue sky during daytime

I have three kids, one of each.

--Rodney Dangerfield

red and blue light digital wallpaper

Last week I told my wife, If you would learn to cook, I could fire the chef. She said, If you could learn to make love, I could fire the chauffer.

--Rodney Dangerfield


man in black bubble hoodie looking at the stars

They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.

--Rodney Dangerfield

shallow focus photography of white flowers

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

--Rodney Dangerfield

gray elephant

My uncle's dying wish -- he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

--Rodney Dangerfield

black Corona typewriter on brown wood planks

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous -- everyone hasn't met me yet.

--Rodney Dangerfield

green fruit in macro lens photography

She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.

--Rodney Dangerfield

rainbow desert

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !

--Rodney Dangerfield

man in black jacket and pants jumping on white rock

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

--Rodney Dangerfield


lake beside green pine trees

I say ‘no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

--Rodney Dangerfield

brown leaf tree facing the lake

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.

--Rodney Dangerfield

red strawberry fruit on red surface

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

--Rodney Dangerfield

raging waves through shores

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

--Rodney Dangerfield

woman standing on forest

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

--Rodney Dangerfield

full moon in the sky

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

--Rodney Dangerfield

black and white bird on seashore

In the high school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity, and he threw the teacher out of the window.

--Rodney Dangerfield

snow covered mountain under blue sky during daytime

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

--Rodney Dangerfield

selective focus photo of four green humming birds with red flowers

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

--Rodney Dangerfield

silhouette of a person during sunset

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

--Rodney Dangerfield

man with LED headlight looking upward

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

--Rodney Dangerfield

black and yellow wall sconce

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, 'Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

--Rodney Dangerfield

cluster of stars in the sky

I shouldn't tell jokes about my wife. she's attached to a machine that keeps her alive... The refrigerator.

--Rodney Dangerfield

red roses on book

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

--Rodney Dangerfield


sunset

I told my doctor I wonna stop aging, he gave me a gun!

--Rodney Dangerfield

brown butterfly perched on flower

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler's checks.

--Rodney Dangerfield

pink petaled flowers under trees at daytime

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

--Rodney Dangerfield

selective-focus photograph of gray bird on tree branch

You can name your own salary in this business. I call mine Fred.

--Rodney Dangerfield

sunset grasslands

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.

--Rodney Dangerfield

yellow flower in green grass field

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.

--Rodney Dangerfield


sunset

I can't get no respect.

--Rodney Dangerfield

blue wall

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful -- never made me breakfast once. I don't want to get started. One story is worse than another.

--Rodney Dangerfield

horse

I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

--Rodney Dangerfield

red and yellow abstract painting

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

--Rodney Dangerfield

black bird flying on white background

Oh, I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the zoo. They thanked him for returning me.

--Rodney Dangerfield

blue wallpaper

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

--Rodney Dangerfield

grayscale photography of mountain surrounded by trees

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she's cut out entirely.

--Rodney Dangerfield

gray elephant

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.

--Rodney Dangerfield

yellow flower in green grass field

I get no respect... I tell you, when I was born, the doctor smacked my mother.

--Rodney Dangerfield

Arizona landscape

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

--Rodney Dangerfield

yellow green leaf

When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.

--Rodney Dangerfield

man and woman kissing

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice. I don't know if I'm coming or going.

--Rodney Dangerfield

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