Inspiration and wisdom from divine felines

100 Inspiring Quotes by Ron White

  • Last updated Jul 27 2021

Welcome to our collection of quotes by Ron White.

Wikipedia Summary for Ron White

Ronald Dee White (born December 18, 1956) is an American stand-up comedian, actor and author, best known as a charter member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Nicknamed "Tater Salad", he is the author of the book I Had the Right to Remain Silent But I Didn't Have the Ability, which appeared on the New York Times best seller list.

purple textile with white line

The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.

--Ron White


tall green flowering grasses under blue and white cloudy sky

I don't do any corporate work.

--Ron White

aerial photography of pine trees with mist

I could do no wrong in my mother's eyes from the day I was born. My fans bought her a very nice house in San Antonio, and she has a great life.

--Ron White

coconut tree near body of water

It went from Bob Newhart to Flip Wilson to Bill Cosby to Richard Pryor to George Carlin to Cheech and Chong. I had all these records.

--Ron White

photography of burning camp fire

My uncle was a preacher, and I used to go watch him preach. He was also funny, so I'm very 'preacher-ish' on stage, not by intent but because that's where I learned to talk in front of people.

--Ron White

blue sky and white clouds

Here's how I operate. When I see something I like, 20 years later, I ask her brother for her phone number. She don't even see me coming.

--Ron White

blue mountains at daytime

I was a huge fan of comedy when I was a child.

--Ron White

selective photography of dried leaf

I just try to keep it fresh without sacrificing funny.

--Ron White

crack in wall

Don't bring your kids to my show, and I won't come to your house and cuss.

--Ron White

blue sky and white clouds

The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith's 'What It Was, Was Football.' I was fascinated with the fact that every syllable made it funny, and I would laugh even though I didn't know what any of it meant.

--Ron White

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If you watch the 'Blue Collar Comedy Tour,' don't expect that when you come see me by myself, 'cause it's a little rougher.

--Ron White

time lapse photography of lightning during storm

I guarantee there's people who watch television who have no idea how complicated it is to make a television show.

--Ron White

pink and white light illustration

As long as I stay engaged with everybody else, then I'll create more comedy. It's just when I shut off and stay at home... What helps me is just to keep moving.

--Ron White

body of water under blue sky during daytime

I've got a role in the new Billy Bob Thornton movie that Billy Bob wrote and is going to direct called 'Jayne Mansfield's Car.' I only have four scenes, but I have as much dialogue as anybody in the movie.

--Ron White

green fern plant

You can't fix stupid.

--Ron White

Longer Version:

You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to.


time lapse photography body of water

You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh.

--Ron White

stars across the sky view at the desert

If I'm in a town for very long, usually I'll work out in the comedy club just to keep my chops or work out the beats on new stuff.

--Ron White

empty gray floor beside pool

I write these shows one joke at a time. There's no continuity. I do try to figure an order to the stories, but there's not continuity.

--Ron White

green trees in between gray concrete road

I begged the universe to make me a famous comedian, and it did. So I tend not to ask for any more.

--Ron White

photo of fogs during nighttime

I love Cincinnati, but you can keep that spaghetti chili product!

--Ron White

focus photography of chick on gray ground

Diamonds -- that'll shut her up... for a minute!

--Ron White

person surfing on sea waves during daytime

When I was 20, I used to go around telling stories, and I knew where I was comfortable -- onstage, talking, making 'em laugh and listen to the weirdest things. I liked being the center of attention.

--Ron White

white ceramic pencil organizer on top of stack of books

I've been married a few times. I'm not good at it.

--Ron White

yellow and white color illustration

I'm a comedian, and I like to work on my live show, and if I'm doing television, I don't have time to work on my live show, and I can become a lame comic, and that sucks.

--Ron White

woman singing on stage

I'm set up where I make a lot of money doing stand-up, and it's easy.

--Ron White

snowflake

I don't watch Comedy Central. I don't enjoy it.

--Ron White


yellow green leaf

A killer Cuban restaurant with a giant cigar bar. Have me a Cuban sandwich. That's just like heaven to me. I'm a simple man.

--Ron White

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I don't know who in my family thinks very fast at all, including me. The things that people see me do onstage are written, so it doesn't have to be very quick if you have all day with a pen.

--Ron White


blue mountains at daytime

I go to more open mic nights than open mikers.

--Ron White

brown humming bird flying in mid air

The Majestic Theatre in San Antone is as good as it gets.

--Ron White


leafless tree

Anything I write that I consider stage-quality work, I won't give my TV show. I put it in my live show.

--Ron White

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Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.

--Ron White

pink and white flower in close up photography

I was so in love with the idea of making people laugh for a living that I didn't care what I had to do to get there. Or how much money I was going to make when I did get there.

--Ron White

statue of liberty new york city

They call me Tater Salad.

--Ron White



mountains under white clouds at daytime

Comedy is all about the pause.

--Ron White

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Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ...I did not know that about myself.

--Ron White

landscape photography of road at savannah

I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.

--Ron White

shallow focus photography of white flowers

My shows are not all-the-way filthy, but they can be.

--Ron White


black, purple, and orange basketball court beside concrete buildings at daytime

If I see someone out there mouthing the words to a bit, I'm not having fun.

--Ron White

aerial photography of mountain range covered with snow under white and blue sky at daytime

I smoke really good cigars, I don't smoke Cuban cigars. I would never do anything as Un-American as smoke a decent cigar.

--Ron White

pink and white tulips on white surface

People used to say I'm regional, but I'm not... We all have the same human condition.

--Ron White


green grass field

I get e-mail from all over the world, and from lawyers and doctors and whoever -- plumbers and drywall hangers.

--Ron White


white stars cutout on black surface with red string

Star Wars Episode Three (And One Quarter): Revenge Of The Hicks.

--Ron White

woman carrying baby while walking

I do a lot of gay-friendly stuff in my show, and men, women, they all love it. I practice non-judgment in my daily life and hope other people do the same thing.

--Ron White

snow covered mountain during daytime

I was a little one-trick pony. I do what I've always done. That's really where my best stuff comes from. I don't know how it happens. It just happens.

--Ron White

silhouette of tree during sunset

Pace, rhythm and timing. Pace, rhythm and timing is what it's about. The content's got to be great, but then it's got to be delivered. It's a tricky thing to do, and it takes a lot of work.

--Ron White

green trees on brown soil

My show is more storytelling now than it's ever been. It's what I'm good at.

--Ron White

city lights from hill

I want my fans to feel like we're always in touch. Because without 'em, I wouldn't be able to do any of this.

--Ron White

white and black satellite dish on brown field during night time

Any time someone achieves success before they've earned it, it always comes back to haunt them.

--Ron White

green leaf

If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.

--Ron White

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I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there.

--Ron White


person sleeping on gray gang chair

I'm not the judge of who that is, but I am a believer that no debt in the universe goes unpaid. If you try to buy early, you'll pay late.

--Ron White

stars in the sky during night time

I write all of my material. It's all me.

--Ron White

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All of my comedian friends are some of the best joke writers in the world.

--Ron White

sunset

In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.

--Ron White

three boys running on field

The bulk of my fans are my age, and I'm aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it's addicting, really.

--Ron White


milky way above body of water

There's no such thing as a hit joke.

--Ron White

bird in the sky

People, when they go on stage, tend to be animated and try to force things out instead of relaxing and bringing it in.

--Ron White

None

If I sit down to write a joke about, whatever, the polluted Gulf of Mexico, it comes out mundane to me.

--Ron White

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We have hearing aids in order to fix our ears. We have lasik surgery in order to fix our eyes. People ... you can't fix stupid!

--Ron White

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I still love to walk on stage and make people laugh, and I work very, very hard at it, and I take it seriously.

--Ron White

foggy mountain summit

I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.

--Ron White

mountains under starry sky during nighttime

A lot of people can find something to laugh at in my humor, I guess.

--Ron White

None

If you look at the common denominator of all the comics who have had big success, it's being true to their nature... that's what takes a long time to learn.

--Ron White

brown leaf tree facing the lake

As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny.

--Ron White

blue sky with stars during night time

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!

--Ron White

black pug puppy

I would have rather been beat by a plumber than Kathy Griffin.

--Ron White

sunset

My favorite bands are the Allman Brothers and Red Hot Chili Peppers.

--Ron White

palm trees covered with fog

The only way to stay sharp is to do live shows. There is no part-time comedy.

--Ron White

red rose

My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan -- thin, slow, and it leaks.

--Ron White

white and blue ice in water

If you become famous and don't have a live show to back it up, they're not going to pay you any money.

--Ron White

blue sky with stars during night time

If I'm not in the theatre, I'm in an open mic night or doing a guest set at the Comedy Club, or whatever, just trying to develop stuff.

--Ron White

bonfire in forest

There's no backlog of people we can fire for no reason and act as if they don't exist.

--Ron White

blue wall

I've asked these guys in rock bands with all the 18-wheelers driving to the venue how they make money. I just don't understand it. But I don't understand a lot of things.

--Ron White

man and woman in cowboy hat

My goal is just to become a better comedian.

--Ron White

green and gray humming bird screenshot

I go through about 140 cities a year.

--Ron White

purple and blue light illustration

I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He's probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can't say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.

--Ron White

close shot of yellow flowers

I pretty much give both barrels every time I walk on stage.

--Ron White

white and purple flower in macro shot

Mother, she likes the blue material just fine.

--Ron White

tall trees with dried leaves on ground

We always go out looking for live music after our shows.

--Ron White

purple flowers

You can't ride home on a bowl of goat.

--Ron White

empty concrete road covered surrounded by tall tress with sun rays

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

--Ron White

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I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill them. I got to give them more credit.

--Ron White

blue and white painted wall

I'm not willing to drag my fans down a road I don't believe in. That's just my one little principle. I've only got one, and that's it.

--Ron White

turned on desk lamp beside pile of books

Everybody I know is a joke writer.

--Ron White


black and gray floral textile

I was desperate for new material, so anything I can write a joke about that works is in the act. No matter who it offends, or who it bothers -- doesn't matter if its something my wife hates.

--Ron White

rock formation surrounding by body of water

When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.

--Ron White

photo of giraffe

My life has been wild enough to derive all of the stories you need out of it. I've been through many, many years of behavioral problems, so I don't really look outside for stories.

--Ron White

We wish you a perfect day!