The hardest that I've laughed at a movie was probably Team America. I laughed 'til I thought I was just gonna throw up. I almost had to turn it off.
I don't do any corporate work.
I could do no wrong in my mother's eyes from the day I was born. My fans bought her a very nice house in San Antonio, and she has a great life.
It went from Bob Newhart to Flip Wilson to Bill Cosby to Richard Pryor to George Carlin to Cheech and Chong. I had all these records.
My uncle was a preacher, and I used to go watch him preach. He was also funny, so I'm very 'preacher-ish' on stage, not by intent but because that's where I learned to talk in front of people.
Here's how I operate. When I see something I like, 20 years later, I ask her brother for her phone number. She don't even see me coming.
I was a huge fan of comedy when I was a child.
I just try to keep it fresh without sacrificing funny.
Don't bring your kids to my show, and I won't come to your house and cuss.
The first thing I ever got my hands on was Andy Griffith's 'What It Was, Was Football.' I was fascinated with the fact that every syllable made it funny, and I would laugh even though I didn't know what any of it meant.
If you watch the 'Blue Collar Comedy Tour,' don't expect that when you come see me by myself, 'cause it's a little rougher.
I guarantee there's people who watch television who have no idea how complicated it is to make a television show.
As long as I stay engaged with everybody else, then I'll create more comedy. It's just when I shut off and stay at home... What helps me is just to keep moving.
I've got a role in the new Billy Bob Thornton movie that Billy Bob wrote and is going to direct called 'Jayne Mansfield's Car.' I only have four scenes, but I have as much dialogue as anybody in the movie.
You can't fix stupid.
You can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take, or a class you can go to.
You can teach somebody how to be a brain surgeon, but you cannot teach them how to walk on a stage and make people laugh.
If I'm in a town for very long, usually I'll work out in the comedy club just to keep my chops or work out the beats on new stuff.
I write these shows one joke at a time. There's no continuity. I do try to figure an order to the stories, but there's not continuity.
I begged the universe to make me a famous comedian, and it did. So I tend not to ask for any more.
I love Cincinnati, but you can keep that spaghetti chili product!
Diamonds -- that'll shut her up... for a minute!
When I was 20, I used to go around telling stories, and I knew where I was comfortable -- onstage, talking, making 'em laugh and listen to the weirdest things. I liked being the center of attention.
I've been married a few times. I'm not good at it.
I'm a comedian, and I like to work on my live show, and if I'm doing television, I don't have time to work on my live show, and I can become a lame comic, and that sucks.
I'm set up where I make a lot of money doing stand-up, and it's easy.
I don't watch Comedy Central. I don't enjoy it.
A killer Cuban restaurant with a giant cigar bar. Have me a Cuban sandwich. That's just like heaven to me. I'm a simple man.
I don't know who in my family thinks very fast at all, including me. The things that people see me do onstage are written, so it doesn't have to be very quick if you have all day with a pen.
I go to more open mic nights than open mikers.
The Majestic Theatre in San Antone is as good as it gets.
Anything I write that I consider stage-quality work, I won't give my TV show. I put it in my live show.
Anybody could say anything they want about me, and it literally never penetrates my skin.
I was so in love with the idea of making people laugh for a living that I didn't care what I had to do to get there. Or how much money I was going to make when I did get there.
They call me Tater Salad.
Comedy is all about the pause.
Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ...I did not know that about myself.
I did not climb to the top of the food chain to eat carrots.
My shows are not all-the-way filthy, but they can be.
If I see someone out there mouthing the words to a bit, I'm not having fun.
I smoke really good cigars, I don't smoke Cuban cigars. I would never do anything as Un-American as smoke a decent cigar.
People used to say I'm regional, but I'm not... We all have the same human condition.
I get e-mail from all over the world, and from lawyers and doctors and whoever -- plumbers and drywall hangers.
Star Wars Episode Three (And One Quarter): Revenge Of The Hicks.
I do a lot of gay-friendly stuff in my show, and men, women, they all love it. I practice non-judgment in my daily life and hope other people do the same thing.
I was a little one-trick pony. I do what I've always done. That's really where my best stuff comes from. I don't know how it happens. It just happens.
Pace, rhythm and timing. Pace, rhythm and timing is what it's about. The content's got to be great, but then it's got to be delivered. It's a tricky thing to do, and it takes a lot of work.
My show is more storytelling now than it's ever been. It's what I'm good at.
I want my fans to feel like we're always in touch. Because without 'em, I wouldn't be able to do any of this.
Any time someone achieves success before they've earned it, it always comes back to haunt them.
If life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.
I started selling out comedy clubs before I got to town with no advertising. I was selling out theaters just on the rumor that I was going to be there.
I'm not the judge of who that is, but I am a believer that no debt in the universe goes unpaid. If you try to buy early, you'll pay late.
I write all of my material. It's all me.
All of my comedian friends are some of the best joke writers in the world.
In Texas, we have the death penalty, and we use it. That's right. If you come to Texas and kill somebody, we will kill you back.
The bulk of my fans are my age, and I'm aging at the same rate they are. That makes me relevant. They like hearing what I have to say. I work hard at it, but it's addicting, really.
There's no such thing as a hit joke.
People, when they go on stage, tend to be animated and try to force things out instead of relaxing and bringing it in.
If I sit down to write a joke about, whatever, the polluted Gulf of Mexico, it comes out mundane to me.
We have hearing aids in order to fix our ears. We have lasik surgery in order to fix our eyes. People ... you can't fix stupid!
I still love to walk on stage and make people laugh, and I work very, very hard at it, and I take it seriously.
I believe that a bad Super Bowl halftime show is still better than a soccer game.
A lot of people can find something to laugh at in my humor, I guess.
If you look at the common denominator of all the comics who have had big success, it's being true to their nature... that's what takes a long time to learn.
As a small child, I could watch anything happen and tell a story, and it was funny.
When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade. Then find someone who's life is givin' them vodka and have a party!
I would have rather been beat by a plumber than Kathy Griffin.
My favorite bands are the Allman Brothers and Red Hot Chili Peppers.
The only way to stay sharp is to do live shows. There is no part-time comedy.
My brain is like a cross between a colander and a Lazy Susan -- thin, slow, and it leaks.
If you become famous and don't have a live show to back it up, they're not going to pay you any money.
If I'm not in the theatre, I'm in an open mic night or doing a guest set at the Comedy Club, or whatever, just trying to develop stuff.
There's no backlog of people we can fire for no reason and act as if they don't exist.
I've asked these guys in rock bands with all the 18-wheelers driving to the venue how they make money. I just don't understand it. But I don't understand a lot of things.
My goal is just to become a better comedian.
I go through about 140 cities a year.
I really understood a lot more about comedy after listening to Bill Hicks, who died at 32 years old. He's probably the best comedian who ever lived. Although you can't say that because of Carlin, Cosby and Pryor.
I pretty much give both barrels every time I walk on stage.
Mother, she likes the blue material just fine.
We always go out looking for live music after our shows.
You can't ride home on a bowl of goat.
I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.
I'm definitely guilty of thinking something is funny but thinking the audience won't. Then three years later I will finally try it and it'll kill them. I got to give them more credit.
I'm not willing to drag my fans down a road I don't believe in. That's just my one little principle. I've only got one, and that's it.
Everybody I know is a joke writer.
I was desperate for new material, so anything I can write a joke about that works is in the act. No matter who it offends, or who it bothers -- doesn't matter if its something my wife hates.
When I was about 12 years old back in Houston, my Dad used to take us to the driving range.
My life has been wild enough to derive all of the stories you need out of it. I've been through many, many years of behavioral problems, so I don't really look outside for stories.