I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.
I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.'
It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, ‘What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'
I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and ... ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.
I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
I laugh all the time -- at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.
I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!'
If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.
It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat.
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?
I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.
To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store ... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.
I wish the first word I ever said was the word quote, so right before I die I could say unquote.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I said No, I made a few mistakes.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.'
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends.
I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.
To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.
Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.
I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it's going to be up all night.
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.
The sign said "eight items or less." So I changed my name to Les.
Do fish get cramps after eating?
I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.
I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.
If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them.
I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!
Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
I have not lost my mind -- it's backed up on disk somewhere.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?
I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus has gone missing.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing.
I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.
I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
I was an only child, eventually.
I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I'm so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.
Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.
Half the people you know are below average.
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
I lost a button hole.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.
I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.
I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.
Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh."
If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
What do batteries run on?
When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.
So, do you live around here often?
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.
I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.
I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.
I was born by Caesarian section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.
I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.
My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Referring to a glass of water: I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
At one point he decided enough was enough.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?
Do you have any toy train schedules?
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?
I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.
I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.
The speed of time is one second per second.
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night -- and I'd dream about it being me.
My father was a small claims court jester.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.
I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.
How do you get off a non-stop flight?
What's another word for Thesaurus?
Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.
I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.
The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.
I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?
Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
What is another name for a Thesaurus?
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
How young can you die of old age?
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building ... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.
You can't have everything... where would you put it? Steven Wright.
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
When I was little, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass for Christmas. He gave my brother a box of Bandaids and said, 'You two share.'
I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
I'm addicted to placebos.