Inspiration and wisdom from divine felines

273 Inspiring Quotes by Steven Wright

Welcome to our collection of quotes by Steven Wright.

Wikipedia Summary for Steven Wright

Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.

Wright was ranked as the 15th Greatest Comedian by Rolling Stone in their 2017 list of the 50 Greatest Stand-up Comics. His accolades include the Academy Award for Best Live Action Short Film for starring in, writing, and producing the short film The Appointments of Dennis Jennings (1988) and two Primetime Emmy Awards nominations as a producer of Louie (2010–15). He is known for his supporting role as Leon in the Peabody Award-winning tragicomedy web series Horace and Pete.

green trees under white sky during daytime

I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

--Steven Wright

woman standing between sunflower field during daytime

I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.'

--Steven Wright

selective focus photo of four green humming birds with red flowers

It's like the Wild West, the Internet. There are no rules.

--Steven Wright

black and gray Canon AE-1 camera on gray sand under brown dock near body of water at daytime

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'

--Steven Wright

yellow wallpaper

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, ‘What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'

--Steven Wright

green textile

I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.

--Steven Wright

brown and white dog in close-up photography

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

--Steven Wright

person holding gray and beige roman numeral alarm clock

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.

--Steven Wright

gray elephant

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

--Steven Wright

man and woman holding hand while walking on bridge

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

--Steven Wright

landscape photography of mountain

I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.

--Steven Wright

multicolored abstract painting

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

--Steven Wright

yellow green leaf

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.

--Steven Wright

clear glass hour glass with black liquid

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

--Steven Wright

black textile in close up photography

I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .

--Steven Wright

person with black tattoo on left hand

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

--Steven Wright

seashore during golden hour

Childhood was very nice. The only thing wrong was that I was so introverted, everything became a big deal... 'Oh, no, here comes the bus. Where am I gonna sit on the bus?'

--Steven Wright

man in black jacket and pants jumping on white rock

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

--Steven Wright

green leafed plant

I'm kinda tired. I was up all night trying to round off infinity. Then I got bored and went out and painted passing lines on curved roads.

--Steven Wright

brown leaf on asphalt road

Hermits have no peer pressure.

--Steven Wright

two children holding hands while walking in the middle of the fields

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

--Steven Wright


Arizona landscape snow

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.

--Steven Wright

brown rocky mountain under blue sky during daytime

A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. You'll just be walking down the street and ... ooooohhhhhh, that's much better.

--Steven Wright

palm tree under orange sky

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

--Steven Wright

woman doing yoga on rock platform next to body of water

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

--Steven Wright

adobe wall

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

--Steven Wright

red tulips

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

--Steven Wright

purple flower

I laugh all the time -- at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

--Steven Wright

elephants on green grass field during daytime

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!'

--Steven Wright

woman looking up to the sky while standing on white sand

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

--Steven Wright

chocolate

You know what scares me? When you have to be nice to some paranoid schizophrenic, just because she lives in your head.

--Steven Wright

photo of underwater

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

--Steven Wright

person in black hoodie using laptop computer

One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.

--Steven Wright

street lamp

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

--Steven Wright

red rose in close up photography

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

--Steven Wright

man smiling while facing other person

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

--Steven Wright

brown mountains under blue sky

They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.

--Steven Wright

blue and white striped textile

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

--Steven Wright

fawn pug on bed

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat.

--Steven Wright

white and blue floral textile

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

--Steven Wright

calm body of water near alp mountains during nighttime

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?

--Steven Wright

man in orange jacket and black pants doing snow ski during daytime

I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.

--Steven Wright

brown textile in close up image

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

--Steven Wright

green pine trees near mountain under blue sky during daytime

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

--Steven Wright

blue boat on sand near body of water during daytime

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store ... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."

--Steven Wright

group of people waving their hands

For my sister's 50th birthday, I sent her a singing mammogram.

--Steven Wright

selective photography of green leaf plant

I wish the first word I ever said was the word quote, so right before I die I could say unquote.

--Steven Wright

silhouette of person on top of mountain pointing flashlight on sky filled with stars at night time

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

--Steven Wright

person walking on snowfield

My school colors were clear. We used to say, 'I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

--Steven Wright

mountains covered with fog

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, Did you sleep good? I said No, I made a few mistakes.

--Steven Wright

gray slabs

Even snakes are afraid of snakes.

--Steven Wright

brown rocky mountain under blue sky during daytime

Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?

--Steven Wright

green leaf

My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.

--Steven Wright

selective focus photography of grey coin operated telescope

A fool and his money are soon partying.

--Steven Wright

closeup photography of black and brown bird

When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.

--Steven Wright

black bird flying under white clouds during daytime

I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

--Steven Wright

person in red shirt walking on brown field under gray sky during daytime

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

--Steven Wright

shallow focus photo of white rose

Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.'

--Steven Wright

Bryce Canyon National Park Sunrise Point at Utah

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

--Steven Wright

person walking on snowfield

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

--Steven Wright

black Corona typewriter on brown wood planks

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends.

--Steven Wright

forest trees photograph

I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.

--Steven Wright

silhouette of mountain

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It's commenting or observing or twisting life.

--Steven Wright

selective focus photo of brown and blue hourglass on stones

Women... can't live with 'em...... can't shoot 'em.

--Steven Wright

mountains under orange kies

Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

--Steven Wright

selective focus photography of red tulip

I used to be an airline pilot. I got fired because I kept locking the keys in the plane. They caught me on an 80 foot stepladder with a coat hanger.

--Steven Wright

person holding gray leaf

I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'

--Steven Wright

Bryce Canyon National Park Sunrise Point at Utah

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

--Steven Wright


blue ocean

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

--Steven Wright

smiling woman

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it's going to be up all night.

--Steven Wright

yellow and blue painted wall

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

--Steven Wright

selective focus photo of woman holding sunflower surrounded by sunflowers

The sign said "eight items or less." So I changed my name to Les.

--Steven Wright

yellow flower

Do fish get cramps after eating?

--Steven Wright

fine trees waving

I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.

--Steven Wright

white clouds and blue sky

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.

--Steven Wright

man in black and white striped shirt sitting on brown rock during daytime

If at first you don't succeed then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

--Steven Wright

woman standing on sunflower field

If you are sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

--Steven Wright

white and blue building under clear sky

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

--Steven Wright

mountains under starry sky during nighttime

I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.

--Steven Wright

shallow focus photography of brown and black bird

If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them.

--Steven Wright

flying blue and green hummingbird

I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

--Steven Wright

two women lying on hammock

I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes.

--Steven Wright

low angle view of blue clouds

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

--Steven Wright

aerial's photo of metropolitan during night time\

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

--Steven Wright

sunset

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

--Steven Wright

plain background

You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.

--Steven Wright

silhouette of person's hands forming heart

If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

--Steven Wright

pink tulip flower

I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!

--Steven Wright

scenery of aurora

Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes.

--Steven Wright

gray and white bird on red and yellow leaves

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

--Steven Wright

silhouette photo of six persons on top of mountain

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

--Steven Wright

sunset with agave stem

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

--Steven Wright

crack in wall

I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.

--Steven Wright

wide lake over sunset view

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

--Steven Wright

full moon in the sky

People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.

--Steven Wright


trees under blue sky and stars during nighttime photo

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

--Steven Wright

red fire illustration

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

--Steven Wright

woman in black shirt standing on yellow flower field during daytime

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

--Steven Wright

brown wooden board

I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still.

--Steven Wright

two women making peace sign near the Golden Gate bridge

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

--Steven Wright

four wooden boat on teal sea

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

--Steven Wright

selective focus photo of four green humming birds with red flowers

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

--Steven Wright

man and woman holding hands in silhouette photography

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

--Steven Wright

man with LED headlight looking upward

I have not lost my mind -- it's backed up on disk somewhere.

--Steven Wright

blue and white abstract painting

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

--Steven Wright

forest trees photograph

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?

--Steven Wright

sunset

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

--Steven Wright


Arizona landscape

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

--Steven Wright

man in white shirt and black pants standing on top of building

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

--Steven Wright

black and white photography of alarm clock displaying 1:37 time

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus has gone missing.

--Steven Wright

sunset

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.

--Steven Wright

black and white butterfly on green leaf

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

--Steven Wright

purple flowers under sunny sky

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing.

--Steven Wright

yellow sunflower on white wall

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.

--Steven Wright

gold round wall clock on white painted wall

I kept a diary right after I was born. Day 1: Tired from the move. Day 2: Everyone thinks I'm an idiot.

--Steven Wright

aerial photography of gray and white stone lot

My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.

--Steven Wright

person holding hands

I was an only child, eventually.

--Steven Wright

yellow sunflower

I bought my brother some gift wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.

--Steven Wright

grey cliff near body of water

I'm so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.

--Steven Wright


fawn pug standing on textile

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

--Steven Wright

green-leafed plant

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.

--Steven Wright

black and white bird on seashore

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

--Steven Wright

gray and white bird on red and yellow leaves

Half the people you know are below average.

--Steven Wright

aerial photography of pine trees with mist

I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.

--Steven Wright

sunset

I lost a button hole.

--Steven Wright

purple and white petaled flower

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

--Steven Wright

gray building

My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.

--Steven Wright

red illustration

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes.

--Steven Wright

white wall paint beside white wall

I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

--Steven Wright

brown, black, and white butterfly on purple petaled flower photo

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.

--Steven Wright

selective focus photo of green snake plant

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

--Steven Wright

green and blue chevron textile

Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?

--Steven Wright

green and white abstract painting

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

--Steven Wright

two women sitting on wooden dock over body of water

Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read.

--Steven Wright

fawn pug standing on textile

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

--Steven Wright

person wearing black top

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

--Steven Wright

Arizona landscape

I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh."

--Steven Wright

silhouette of grass under moonlight

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

--Steven Wright

purple and black light illustration

My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.

--Steven Wright

red textile in close up photography

When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.

--Steven Wright

red rose with droplets

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

--Steven Wright


brown pine trees near mountain covered with fog

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

--Steven Wright

white tulip flower in close up photography

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

--Steven Wright


green mountains beside lake under blue sky during daytime

What do batteries run on?

--Steven Wright

Bryce Canyon National Park Sunrise Point at Utah

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

--Steven Wright

brown houses in front of hill under starry night

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

--Steven Wright

silhouette of man standing on rock while looking in sky

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.

--Steven Wright

silhouette photography of person in gray sailing boat in the middle of body of water

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

--Steven Wright

three clear drinking glasses with brown liquid

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

--Steven Wright


blue ocean

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

--Steven Wright

photography of burning camp fire

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.

--Steven Wright

green grass field

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

--Steven Wright


two women walking on bridge during daytime

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

--Steven Wright

silhouette of person jumping in mid air

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

--Steven Wright

green and white painted wall

In hindsight, I realized I could see into the future. Which is kind of like having premonitions of flashbacks.

--Steven Wright

yellow flower field during sunset

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

--Steven Wright

desert grassland

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

--Steven Wright

toddler hugging siberian husky

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

--Steven Wright

brown trees on brown field during daytime

Why are there five syllables in the word "monosyllabic?"

--Steven Wright

white snow mountain

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

--Steven Wright


blue rose with water droplet

I didn't want to be selling insurance at 40, wondering what would it have been like to do stand-up.

--Steven Wright

Hey! I miss you

So, do you live around here often?

--Steven Wright

pink tulips on gray wooden surface

In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.

--Steven Wright

white brick wall planning

I bought a dog the other day... I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.

--Steven Wright

body of water

The best kind of friend is the kind you sit with, never say a word and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you ever had.

--Steven Wright

brown houses in front of hill under starry night

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.

--Steven Wright

clear wine glass with red wine

I was born by Caesarian section ... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.

--Steven Wright

man and woman kissing under blue sky during daytime

I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.

--Steven Wright

silhouette of mountain during sunset

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

--Steven Wright

brown sand under blue sky during daytime

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

--Steven Wright

sunflower field under white sky during daytime

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

--Steven Wright

None

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

--Steven Wright

brown leaf tree facing the lake

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

--Steven Wright

clear hour glass with brown frame

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

--Steven Wright

body of water during sunset

Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."

--Steven Wright

person holding gray leaf

They say the universe is expanding. That should help with the traffic.

--Steven Wright

cluster of stars in the sky

I went to the hardware store to buy some batteries, but they weren't included, so I had to buy them again.

--Steven Wright

person standing on top of mountain

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

--Steven Wright

leafless tree on body of water during daytime

I told her I knew when I was going to die because my birth certificate had an expiration date on it.

--Steven Wright


black bird flying under white clouds during daytime

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?

--Steven Wright

aerial view of gray building on brown sand

I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.

--Steven Wright

worm's eye view photography of pink cheery blossom tree

Support bacteria -- they're the only culture some people have.

--Steven Wright

blue rose

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

--Steven Wright

pink and green flower painting

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

--Steven Wright

green-leafed plant

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.

--Steven Wright

silhouette of man standing on hill during starry night

The sun got confused about daylight savings time. It rose twice. Everything had two shadows.

--Steven Wright


leafless tree on snow covered ground

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

--Steven Wright

red rose in bloom during daytime

Referring to a glass of water: I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!

--Steven Wright

empty brown concrete stairs beside green grass under starry sky long-exposure photography

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

--Steven Wright

brown rugby ball

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

--Steven Wright

yellow and red color textile

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

--Steven Wright

person with black tattoo on left hand

At one point he decided enough was enough.

--Steven Wright

silhouette of mountain under blue sky during daytime

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank.

--Steven Wright

closeup photography of black and brown bird

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

--Steven Wright

silhouette of person standing beside bare tree under stary sky

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

--Steven Wright

brown, black, and white butterfly on purple petaled flower photo

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

--Steven Wright

person standing on rock beside body of water between green trees

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

--Steven Wright

man standing on sand while spreading arms beside calm body of water

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.

--Steven Wright

man in black and white striped shirt sitting on brown rock during daytime

I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.

--Steven Wright

aerial photography of mountain range covered with snow under white and blue sky at daytime

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

--Steven Wright

sunset

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.

--Steven Wright

beige concrete wall

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

--Steven Wright

brown mountain

Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

--Steven Wright


boy wearing American flag print eyeglasses sticking his mouth open

Do you have any toy train schedules?

--Steven Wright

green grass field with smoke

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?

--Steven Wright

green sports court illustration

I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.

--Steven Wright

sunset

I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add.

--Steven Wright

white petaled flower bloom during daytime

The speed of time is one second per second.

--Steven Wright

None

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night -- and I'd dream about it being me.

--Steven Wright

green leaf tree near mountain covered by snow at daytime

My father was a small claims court jester.

--Steven Wright

city lights from hill

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

--Steven Wright

purple flowers under cloudy sky

I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.

--Steven Wright

brown desert under sunny sky

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

--Steven Wright

green ceramic mug on wooden desk

Sometimes I talk to myself in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious.

--Steven Wright

green trees on body of water during daytime

I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

--Steven Wright

man skiing on land

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

--Steven Wright

green leaf in close up photography

What's another word for Thesaurus?

--Steven Wright

yellow sunflower in close up photography

Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.

--Steven Wright

body of water during daytime

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

--Steven Wright

Hey! I miss you

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

--Steven Wright

woman in white and black stripe long sleeve shirt standing beside brown concrete building during daytime

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

--Steven Wright

boy and cat in front of moon

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else's property.

--Steven Wright

group of camels walking on desert lake at daytime

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.

--Steven Wright

grayscale photo of pug on floor

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

--Steven Wright

red blue yellow and red paint

The sky is falling. No, I'm tipping over backwards.

--Steven Wright

man standing on sand while spreading arms beside calm body of water

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.

--Steven Wright

purple flower in macro lens

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.

--Steven Wright

brown butterfly perched on flower

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

--Steven Wright

a couple holding hands with a wedding ring visible

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

--Steven Wright

green trees on brown dried leaves during daytime

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.

--Steven Wright

brown rocky mountain under blue sky during daytime

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

--Steven Wright

person holding flowers

When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

--Steven Wright

white clouds and blue sky during daytime

I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops.

--Steven Wright

multicolored heart LED light on wall

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

--Steven Wright

pink flowers in vase

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

--Steven Wright

gray and white bird on red and yellow leaves

What is another name for a Thesaurus?

--Steven Wright

brown sand under blue sky during daytime

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

--Steven Wright

close shot of yellow flowers

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

--Steven Wright

shallow focus photo of white rose

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

--Steven Wright


lightning strike at night

The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.

--Steven Wright

milky way above body of water

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

--Steven Wright

man kissing the woman wearing blue polka-dot dress

Why is the third hand on a watch called a second hand?

--Steven Wright

aerial photography of pine trees with mist

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda.

--Steven Wright

black and white photo of woman looking upward

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

--Steven Wright

green leafed trees with fog

How young can you die of old age?

--Steven Wright

people walking on hallway

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

--Steven Wright

red tulip in bloom during daytime

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

--Steven Wright

orange rose in bloom close up photo

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building ... on the ledge. Some people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

--Steven Wright

cluster of stars in the sky

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

--Steven Wright

pink tulip flower

I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.

--Steven Wright

green and red flowers

You can't have everything... where would you put it? Steven Wright.

--Steven Wright

selective photography of green leaf plant

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

--Steven Wright

Longer Version:

How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him.


green leafed plants on forest

I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.

--Steven Wright


woman holding brown umbrella

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?

--Steven Wright

green leafed plants on forest

When I was little, my grandfather gave me a box of broken glass for Christmas. He gave my brother a box of Bandaids and said, 'You two share.'

--Steven Wright

green and red flowers

I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.

--Steven Wright

brown and gray mountains during daytime

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

--Steven Wright

green mountains beside lake under blue sky during daytime

I'm addicted to placebos.

--Steven Wright

We wish you a perfect day!