It wasn't the wearing of the hat that counted so much as having one to wear. Every trade, every craft had its hat.
But there was more to it than that. As the Amazing Maurice said, it was just a story about people and rats. And the difficult part of it was deciding who the people were, and who were the rats.
Geography is just physics slowed down, with a couple of trees stuck in it.
I reckon responsible behavior is something to get when you grow older. Like varicose veins.
Vimes awoke with a noseful of camel. There are far worse awakenings, but not as many as you might think.
If there was anything that depressed him more than his own cynicism, it was that quite often it still wasn't as cynical as real life.
Using a metaphor in front of a man as unimaginative as Ridcully was like a red flag to a bu... was like putting something very annoying in front of someone who was annoyed by it.
This is space. It's sometimes called the final frontier.
(Except that of course you can't have a final frontier, because there'd be nothing for it to be a frontier to, but as frontiers go, it's pretty penultimate ...)
Rings try to find their way back to their owner. Someone ought to write a book about it.
You can never have too much backup.
The wizards were good at wind, weather being a matter not of force but of lepidoptery. As Archchancellor Ridcully said, you just had to know where the damn butterflies were.
I had a deprived childhood, you see. I had lots of other kids to play with and my parents bought me outdoor toys and refused to ill-treat me, so it never occurred to me to seek solitary consolation with a good book.
Imagination is only intelligence having fun. A healthy mind knows how to switch between worlds, and which one you need to eat and sleep in.
I've got wide tastes, but I don't like jazz.
The Battle of Koom Valley is the only one known to history where both sides ambushed each other.
Granny Weatherwax believes the world is all about stories. Oh well, we all have our funny little ways. Except me, obviously.
Things just happen, one after another. They don't care who knows. But history... ah, history is different. History has to be observed. Otherwise it's not history. It's just... well, things happening one after another.
The man gave Dodger a cursory glance that had quite a lot of curse in it.
I'm trying to have a moment o' existential dreed here, right? Crivens, it's a puir lookout if a man canna feel the chilly winds o' fate lashing aroound his netheres wi'out folks telling him he's deid, eh?
It was a fine summer morning, the kind to make a man happy to be alive. And probably the man *would* have been happier to be alive. He was, in fact, dead. It would be hard to be deader without special training.
The presence of those seeking the truth is infinitely to be preferred to the presence of those who think they've found it.
But there's magic too. You'll pick that up. It don't take much intelligence, otherwise wizards wouldn't be able to do it.
We're really good at it, Teppic thought. Mere animals couldn't possibly manage to act like this. You need to be a human being to be really stupid.
I think it does Discworld good if I don't write about it all the time: sometimes you have to get it out of your system.
It was funny how people were people everywhere you went, even if the people concerned weren't the people the people who made up the phrase "people are people everywhere" had traditionally thought of as people.
When a man is tired of Ankh-Morpork, he is tired of ankle-deep slurry.
Even a really bad creator would at least have started with Earth, Air, Fire, Water and Surprise.
When Reacher Gilt talks about freedom, he means his, not anyone else's.
Biers was where the undead drank. And when Igor the barman was asked for a Bloody Mary, he didn't mix a metaphor.
If anyone locked me in a dungeon, there'd be screams.
The relevant equation is: Knowledge = power = energy = matter = mass; a good bookshop is just a Black Hole that knows how to read.
Look, the life of gnomes and goblins is nasty, brutish and short. So are they.
Brighten up the world like a little sunbeam.
Well, it would have to be "The Man Who Was Thursday." It's a damn good read that I believe should be read by everyone in politics.
You can't go around building a better world for people. Only people can build a better world for people. Otherwise it's just a cage.
The Kappamaki, a whaling research ship, was currently researching the question: How many whales can you catch in one week?
What kind of man would put a known criminal in charge of a major branch of government? Apart from, say, the average voter.
I don't see why it matters what is written. Not when it's about people. It can always be crossed out.
Everything happens for a reason, except possibly football.
This was, after all, Ankh-Morpork, where a man walked free even if he was not, strictly speaking, a man.
There was silence in the square, except for the sound of several thousand people being astonished.
Ankh-Morpork, the melting pot of the world, which occasionally runs foul of lumps that don't melt.
Bishops move diagonally. That's why they often turn up where the kings don't expect them to be.
The space between the young reader's eyeballs and the printed page is a holy place and officialdom should trample all over it at their peril.'.
The year was past the edge, heading away from the dark... Of course, dark would come again, but that was in the nature of the world. Many things were beginning.
If I were you, I'd sue my face for slander.
There is always time for another last minute.
It occurred to me that at one point it was like I had two diseases -- one was Alzheimer's, and the other was knowing I had Alzheimer's.
One of my predecessors used to have people torn to death by wild tortoises. It was not a quick death.
He had about the same life expectancy as a three legged hedgehog on a six lane motorway.
I'm up to my neck in the real world, every day. Just you try doing your VAT return with a head full of goblins.
Like any sensible witch, she wore strong boots that could march through anything--good, sensible boots.
Be one of the crowd? It went against everything a wizard stood for, and a wizard would not stand for anything if he could sit down for it, but even sitting down, you had to stand out.
The important thing about adventures, thought Mr. Bunnsy, was that they shouldn't be so long as to make you miss mealtimes.
It is a long-cherished tradition among a certain type of military thinker that huge casualties are the main thing. If they are on the other side then this is a valuable bonus.
Given enough coffee I could rule the world.
No one knew where you were before you were born, but when you were born, it wasn't long before you found you'd arrived with your return ticket already punched.
The only superstition I have is that I must start a new book on the same day that I finish the last one, even if it's just a few notes in a file. I dread not having work in progress.
There are millions of chords. There are millions of numbers. And everyone forgets the one that is a zero. But without the zero, numbers are just arithmetic. Without the empty chord, music is just noise.
It doesn't stop being magic just because you know how it works.
Wizards! They talked too much and pinned spells down in books like butterflies but, worst of all, they thought theirs was the only magic worth practicing.
People couldn't become truly holy, he said, unless they also had the opportunity to be definitively wicked.
If there's one thing that really annoys a god, it's not knowing something.
He hated weapons, and not just because they'd so often been aimed at him. You got into more trouble if you had a weapon. People shot you instantly if they thought you were going to shoot them.
He hated weapons, and not just because they'd so often been aimed at him. You got into more trouble if you had a weapon. People shot you instantly if they thought you were going to shoot them. But if you were unarmed, they often stopped to talk. Admittedly, they tended to say things like, "You'll never guess what we're going to do to you, pal," but that took time. And Rincewind could do a lot with a few more seconds. He could use them to live longer in.
Just because something is a metaphor doesn't mean it can't be real.
Fantasy is uni-age. You can start it in the creche, and it follows you to death.
He's out of his depth on a wet pavement.
Multiple exclamation marks,' he went on, shaking his head, 'are a sure sign of a diseased mind.
Granny Weatherwax, who had walked nightly without fear in the bandit-haunted forests of the mountains all her life in the certain knowledge that the darkness held nothing more terrible than she was.
As far as I'm concerned, I'm a writer who's writing books, and therefore, I don't want to die. You'd miss the end of the book, wouldn't you? You can't die with an unfinished book.
It's lies. It's all lies. Some of them are just prettier than others, that's all. People see what they think is there.
How can anyone trust scientists? If new evidence comes along, they change their minds.
We've got a lot of experience of not having any experience.
At least I know I'm bewildered about the really fundamental and important facts of the universe.
It struck Mort with sudden, terrible poignancy that Death must be the loneliest creature in the universe. In the great party of Creation, he was always in the kitchen.
The conversation of human beings seldom interested him, but it crossed his mind that the males and females always got along best when neither actually listened fully to what the other one was saying.
Nac Mac Feegle! The Wee Free Men! Nae king! Nae quin! Nae laird! Nae master! We willna' be fooled again!
Insanity is catching.
I may be daft but I'm no' stupid!
It looked the sort of book described in library catalogues as 'slightly foxed,' although it would be more honest to admit that it looked as though it had beed badgered, wolved and possibly beared as well.
It's not Brits who think American readers are a bunch of whinging morons with the geo-social understanding of a wire coathanger, it's American editors.
I know that I am a small, weak man, but I have amassed a large library; I dream of dangerous places.
All dwarfs are by nature dutiful, serious, literate, obedient and thoughtful people whose only minor failing is a tendency, after one drink, to rush at enemies screaming "Arrrrrrgh!" and axing their legs off at the knee.
The entire universe has been neatly divided into things to (a) mate with, (b) eat, (c) run away from, and (d) rocks.
Everyone's heard of Erwin Schrodinger's famous thought experiment. You put a cat in a box with a bottle of poison, which many people would suggest is about as far as you need to go.
My experience in Amsterdam is that cyclists ride where the hell they like and aim in a state of rage at all pedestrians while ringing their bell loudly, the concept of avoiding people being foreign to them.
My experience in Amsterdam is that cyclists ride where the hell they like and aim in a state of rage at all pedestrians while ringing their bell loudly, the concept of avoiding people being foreign to them.
My dream holiday would be a) a ticket to Amsterdam b) immunity from prosecution and c) a baseball bat.
If there were such a thing as an inter-city thieving contest, Ankh-Morpork would bring home the trophy and probably everyone's wallets.
"You are very clever," said the old man shyly. "I would like to eat your brains, one day."
You are very clever,' said the old man shyly. 'I would like to eat your brains, one day,' For some reason the books of etiquette that Daphne's grandmother had forced on her didn't quite deal with this. Of course, silly people would say to babies, 'You're so sweet I could gobble you all up!', but that sort of nonsense seemed less funny when it was said by a man in war paint who owned more than one skull. Daphne, cursed with good manners, settled for, 'It's very kind of you to say so.
You know I've never agreed with baths. Sittin' around in your own dirt like that.
Every procedure for getting a cat to take a pill works fine -- once. Like the Borg, they learn.
People are often so busy living that they never stop to wonder why.
He was, he would be the first to admit, a coward, an incompetent, and not even very good at being a failure.
When in doubt, choose to live.
No. Men should die for lies. But the truth is too precious to die for.
Your wife is a big hippo! My face is melting! My face is meltinnnnggg!
Little crimes breed big crimes. You smile at little crimes and then big crimes blow your head off.
The thief, as will become apparent, was a special type of thief. This thief was an artist of theft. Other thieves merely stole everything that was not nailed down, but this thief stole the nails as well.
When you break rules, break 'em good and hard.
His parents called him Youngster. They did this in the subconcious hope that he might take the hint. Wensleydale gave the impression of having been born with a mental age of 47.
Then there is the dress. It has been owned by many sisters as well and has been taken up, taken out, taken down, and taken in by her mother so many times that it really ought to have been taken away.
I express preference for a chronological sequence of events which precludes a violence.
A hardback's harder at Christmas time because that's a good hardback buying time.
The purpose of this lectchoor is to let you know where we are. We are in the deep cack. It couldn't be worse if it was raining arseholes. Any questions?
And the words people said were just shadows of real things. But some things were too big to be really trapped in words, and even the words were too powerful to be completely tamed by writing.
Ordinary fortune-tellers tell you what you want to happen; witches tell you what's going to happen whether you want it to or not. Strangely enough, witches tend to be more accurate but less popular.
Most armies are in fact run by their sergeants -- the officers are there just to give things a bit of tone and prevent warfare becoming a mere lower-class brawl.
Whole new theories of money were growing here like mushrooms: in the dark and based on bullshit.
Demons were like genies or philosophy professors if you didn't word things exactly right, they delighted in giving you absolutely accurate and completely misleading answers.
People think that stories are shaped by people. In fact, it's the other way around.
New things, new ideas arrived and strutted their stuff and were vilified by some and then lo! that which had been a monster was suddenly totally important to the world.
I grow as many of our vegetables as I can, because my granddad was a professional gardener, and it's in the blood.
If, somewhere, any possible world can exist, then somewhere there is any letter that could possibly be written. Somewhere, all those checks really were in the mail.
It's not worth doing something unless you were doing something that someone, somewere, would much rather you weren't doing.
What's the orbital velocity of the moon?
No normal sheet of paper could possibly trace their family tree, which in any case was more like a mangrove thicket.
Twoflower was a tourist, the first ever seen on the discworld. Tourist, Rincewind had decided, meant 'idiot'.
The wizards were civilized men of considerable education and culture. When faced with being inadvertently marooned on a desert island they understood immediately that the first thing to do was place the blame.
When you read, I'm sure you don't realize that your eyes are going backwards and forwards and to this place and that place. Mine don't do that.
We're a dying race," said Kwartz sadly, as the party set off under the stars. "Young Jasper's the only pebble in our tribe. We suffer from philosophy, you know.
Mort... had about the same talent for horticulture that you would find in a dead starfish.
If you put butter and salt on it, it tastes like salty butter.
Everything starts somewhere, although many physicists disagree.
You're just as dead if you fall from forty feet as you are from four thousand fathoms, that's what I say.
Cats, Dog considered, were clearly a lot tougher than lost souls.
I think you should be proud of not being worse than just deeply introverted and socially maladjusted.
And never resist a perfect moment.
On a million hillsides the girl ran, on a million bridges the girl chose, on a million paths the woman stood...
All different, all one.
All she could do for all of them was be herself, here and now, as hard as she could.
It was like ... like wizardry, but without the wizards and the mess.
All the higher life forms scythed away, just like that... Nothing but dust and fundamentalists.
There are times when the best writing you can do is to go for a walk or drive, a long drive is ideal.
The worst thing you can do is nothing.
Stop stealing the funeral meats right now, you wee scuggers!" She shouted. The Feegles stopped and stared at her. Then Rob Anybody said: "Socks wi'oot feets?
You couldn't be a real copper in Ankh-Morpork and stay sane. You had to care. Anda caring in Ankh-Morpork was like opening a tin of meat in the middle of a piranha school.
You couldn't escape the pointy hat, though. There was nothing magical about a pointy hat except that it said that the woman underneath it was a witch. People paid attention to a pointy hat.
It's useful to go out of this world and see it from the perspective of another one.
I could be wrong. Not being certain is what being a philosopher is all about.
I'd rather be a rising ape than a falling angel.
You know, I never imagined there were he-dryads. Not even in an oak tree." One of the giants grinned at him. Druellae snorted. "Stupid! Where do you think acorns come from?
Look, that's why there's rules, understand? So that you think before you break 'em.
The universe, they say, depended for its operation on the balance of four forces which they identified as charm, persuasion, uncertainty, and bloody-mindedness.
Cheese? But you…you could do anything you wanted!" Roland burst out. "And right now I want to make cheese," said Tiffany calmly.
So, mistletoe, in fact, symbolizes mistletoe.
Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of our lives.
The city's full of people who you just see around.
Give a man a fire and he's warm for a day, but set fire to him and he's warm for the rest of his life.
Filling what's empty and emptying what's full.
Anyway, I'm a bit worried about the screw. It was invented to move water along, not move along on water.'
‘You mean it's confused?' said Simony.
‘Screwed up,' said Didactylos happily.
Falling isn't so bad, you know. It's only the landing that hurts.
'Don't think of it as dying,' said Death. 'Just think of it as leaving early to avoid the rush.'
We live and learn, or, perhaps more importantly we learn and live.
Oh, where are my manners? Do sit down. Pull up a small child.
'Discworld' is taking something that you know is ridiculous and treating it as if it is serious, to see if something interesting happens when you do so.
I don't think about the end game. I've got lots to occupy my mind. It's the rage that keeps me going.
Nature abhors a lot of things, including vacuums, ships called the Marie Celeste, and the chuck keys for electric drills.
Crowley thumped the wheel. Everything had been going so well, he'd had it really under his thumb these few centuries. That's how it goes, you think you're on top of the world, and suddenly they spring Armageddon on you.
Lots of people would be as cowardly as me if they were brave enough.
A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read.
Time is a drug. Too much of it kills you.
The words echoed around the cavern and broke through mere rock, so great was the force behind them, melted mere mountains, screamed across the miles.
Some people think this is paranoia, but it isn't. Paranoids only think everyone is out to get them. Wizards know it.
And our lady friend, she thinks life works like a fairy tale.' Well, that's harmless, isn't it?' Yeah, but in fairy tales, when someone dies... it's just a word.
The calendar of the Theocracy of Muntab counts down, not up. No-one knows why, but it might not be a good idea to hang around and find out.
Books must be treated with respect, we feel that in our bones, because words have power. Bring enough words together they can bend space and time.
In front of her the cat Greebo, glad to be home again, lay on his back with all four paws in the air, doing his celebrated something-found-in-the-gutter impersonation.
It is said that the Devil has all the best tunes. This is broadly true. But Heaven has the best choreographers.
Mere animals couldn't possibly manage to act like this. You need to be a human being to be really stupid.
I mistrust the term graphic novel because it sounds like a good thing to put on a tee-shirt. That's why the French like them.
Theres no stink more sorrorful than the stink of wet, burnt paper. It means: the end.
What's a philosopher?' said Brutha. Someone who's bright enough to find a job with no heavy lifting,' said a voice in his head.
Coffee is a way of stealing time that should by rights belong to your older self.
Even the blind and meek and voiceless have gods.
I don't really plan. I'm almost intuitive about things.
He didn't administer a reign of terror, just the occasional light shower.
Perhaps the magic would last, perhaps it wouldn't. But then again, what does?
Young man, the games we play are lessons we learn. The assumptions we make, things we ignore, and things we change make us what we become.
Let grammar, punctuation, and spelling into your life! Even the most energetic and wonderful mess has to be turned into sentences.
Magic never dies. It merely fades away.
The sun is simple. A sword is simple. A storm is simple. Behind everything simple is a huge tail of complicated.
Maybe the only significant difference between a really smart simulation and a human being was the noise they made when you punched them.
You want a special truth. *You* want the truth to be a truth that *you* like. You want it to be a pretty little truth that fits what you already believe!
I would rather stare at the wall for half an hour than watch an episode of any of the 53,801 Australian soap operas now cluttering up UK TV.
Most modern fantasy just rearranges the furniture in Tolkien's attic.
There was no safety. There was no pride. All there was, was money. Everything became money, and money became everything. Money treated us as if we were things, and we died.
All he had was nothing, but that was something, and now it had been taken away.
These weren't cheap modern books; these were books bound in leather, and not just leather, but leather from clever cows who had given their lives for literature after a happy existence in the very best pastures.
He glanced at the sun which, old professional that it was, chose that moment to drop below the horizon.
Although the scythe isn't pre-eminent among the weapons of war, anyone who has been on the wrong end of, say, a peasants' revolt will know that in skilled hands it is fearsome.
Rincewind gave his fingers a long shocked stare, as one might regard a gun that has been hanging on the wall for decades and has suddenly gone off and perforated the cat.
"Ach, people are always telling us not to do things" said Rob Anybody, "that's how we ken the most interesting things to do."
A metaphor is a kind o' lie to help people understand what's true.
Do not act incautiously when confronting a little bald wrinkly smiling man!
People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.
It's like chess, you know. The Queen saves the King.
They can ta'k our lives but they can never ta'k our freedom!' Now there's a battle cry not designed by a clear thinker.
The second mouse gets the cheese!
Just to keep bad dreams at bay, she took a swig out of a bottle that smelled of apples and happy brain-death.
The IQ of a mob is the IQ of its dumbest member divided by the number of mobsters.
Look out! He's got a daisy!
Life is a trick, and you get one chance to learn it.
Gods don't like people not doing much work. People who aren't busy all the time might start to think.
Letitia! What a name. Halfway between a salad and a sneeze.
I thought jet planes were just trucks with more wings and less wheels.
Oh yes? Can you identify yourself? Certainly. I'd know me anywhere.
People are bound to get excited when they see a ten-million-ton starship trying to fly down the street.
Do you not know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?
I have to find the edge of the envelope and put my stamp on it.
Yes, but nomes aren't hard to make," said Dorcas. "You just need other nomes." "You're weird.
So much universe, and so little time.
It took place in the midnight in the University's Great Hall, in a welter of incense, candlesticks, runic inscriptions and magic circles, none of which was strictly necessary but which made the wizards feel better.
She was already learning that if you ignore the rules people will, half the time, quietly rewrite them so that they don't apply to you.
You Say To People 'Throw Off Your Chains' And They Make New Chains For Themselves?
We are as gods to beasts of the field. We order the time of their birth and the time of their death. Between times, we have a duty.
If you were going to be successful in the world of crime, you needed a reputation for honesty.
Some things are fairly obvious when it's a seven-foot skeleton with a scythe telling you them.
You had to hand it to the Patrician, he admitted grudgingly. If you didn't, he sent men to come and take it away.
'Peace?' said Vetinari. 'Ah, yes, defined as period of time to allow for preparation for the next war.'
What's all this about? How does it work? What should I do? What am I for?
"What're quantum mechanics?"
"I don't know. People who repair quantums, I suppose."
Many an ancient lord's last words have been, 'You can't kill me because I've got magic aaargh.'
It wasn't that Nanny Ogg sang badly. It was just that she could hit notes which, when amplified by a tin bath half full of water, ceased to be sound and became some sort of invasive presence.
Rincewind had in any case seen his past life flash in front of his eyes so many times that he could sleep through the boring bits.
And what would humans be without love?"
RARE, said Death.
I like the idea of democracy. You have to have someone everyone distrusts.
Wisdom comes from experience. Experience is often a result of lack of wisdom.
Knowing things is magical, if other people don't know them.
His movements could be called cat-like, except that he did not stop to spray urine up against things.
All property is theft, except mine.
He said that there was death and taxes, and taxes was worse, because at least death didn't happen to you every year.
I was a very keen reader of science fiction.
People don't alter history any more than birds alter the sky, they just make brief patterns in it.
I wouldn't trust you with a bucket of water if my knickers were on fire!
I'm ... not sure yet. But I've seen Dorfl around. He's always seemed a very gentle person."
"It works in a slaughterhouse!"
"Maybe that's not a bad place for a gentle person to work, sir" said Carrot.
Perhaps it was the spell, in its years of living in Rincewind's head, that affected his eyes. Perhaps his time with Twoflower, who only saw things as they ought to be, had taught him to see things as they are.
Money is all you can think about when all you have is a price, Carrot said.
He was the sort of person who stood on mountaintops during thunderstorms in wet copper armour shouting 'All the Gods are bastards.'
If words had weight, a single sentence from Death would have anchored a ship.
The beef stew tasted, indeed, just like beef stew and not, just to take an example completely and totally at random, stew made out of the last poor girl who'd worked here.
You can't find a hermit to teach you herming, because of course that rather spoils the whole thing.
The three rules of the Librarians of Time and Space are: 1) Silence; 2) Books must be returned no later than the last date shown; and 3) Do not interfere with the nature of causality.
Don't you understand?" snarled Rincewind. "We are going over the Edge, godsdammit!" "Can't we do anything about it?" "No!" "Then I can't see the sense in panicking," said Twoflower calmly.
After all, if you can't trust governments, whom can you trust?
The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.
His progress through life was hampered by his tremendous sense of his own ignorance, a disability which affects all too few.
A witch ought never to be frightened in the darkest forest, Granny Weatherwax had once told her, because she should be sure in her soul that the most terrifying thing in the forest was her.
The problem is, people only think for themselves if you tell them to.
Oh, come on. Revelation was a mushroom dream that belonged in the Apocrypha. The New Testament is basically about what happened when God got religion.
Apes had it worked out. No ape would philosophize, "The mountain is, and is not." They would think, "The banana is. I will eat the banana. There is no banana. I want another banana.
If you really want to upset a witch, do her a favor which she has no means of repaying. The unfulfilled obligation will nag at her like a hangnail.
Dark Fantasy is just another way of saying Horror.
What a mess the world was in, Vimes reflected. Constable Visit had told him the meek would inherit it, and what had the poor devils done to deserve that?
It doesn't matter how you live and die, it's how the bards wrote it down.
Heaven has no taste." "Now-" "And not one single sushi restaurant." A look of pain crossed the angel's suddenly very serious face.
Are you a devious, plotting, unreliable madman? Ah, good, then you can be my most trusted advisor.
Sometimes it is better to light a flamethrower than curse the darkness.
You'll see! We're going to the palace. Fetch Angua. We might need her. And bring the search warrant. You mean the sledgehammer, sir? Yes.
Granddad was superstitious about books. He thought that if you had enough of them around, education leaked out, like radioactivity.
Inside every sane person there's a madman struggling to get out.
Inside every sane person there's a madman struggling to get out," said the shopkeeper. "That's what I've always thought. No one goes mad quicker than a totally sane person.
He says gods like to see an atheist around. Gives them something to aim at.
You need to believe in things that aren't true. How else can they become?
The labyrinth of Ephebe is ancient and full of one hundred and one amazing things you can do with hidden springs, razor-sharp knives, and falling rocks.
Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question.
He had done regular live concerts from San Quentin jail until the civil rights people got him under the Cruel and Unusual Punishment clause.
The girls were expected to grow up to be somebody's wife. They were also expected to read and write, those being considered soft indoor jobs that were too fiddly for the boys.
Probably the last sound heard before the Universe folded up like a paper hat would be someone saying, "What happens if I do this?
Learning how not to do things is as hard as learning how to do them. Harder, maybe. There'd be a sight more frogs in this world if I didn't know how not to turn people into them. And big pink balloons, too.
Privilege (to the privileged) means having private laws.
Incidentally, it's best not to argue with the nursing staff. I find the best course of action is to throw some chocolates in one direction and hurry off in the other while their attention is distracted.
You worked for Harry King, they said, because a broken leg was bad for business, and Harry King was all about business.
And the new day was a great big fish.
Nanny Ogg never did any housework herself, but she was the cause of housework in other people.
If music were the food of love, she was game for a sonata and chips at any time.
No more words. We know them all, all the words that should not be said. But you have made my world more perfect.
I was once a journalist. And I think of myself as a journalist, and that's it. You tell the truth. I even wrote a book called 'The Truth.'
You're allowed to grant people into the darkness, but you must allow them to come out again.
The commander went, as they say in Ankh-Morpork, totally Librarian on them.
The only really sane person in there is Igor, and possibly the turnip. And I'm not sure about the turnip.
Hat = wizard, wizard = hat. Everything else is frippery.
Many feel they are called to the priesthood, but what they really hear is an inner voice saying, 'It's indoor work with no heavy lifting, do you want to be a ploughman like your father?'
William: "I'm sure we can all pull together, sir."
Vetinari: "Oh, I do hope not. Pulling together is the aim of despotism and tyranny. Free men pull in all kinds of directions.
Or there will be a reckoning!
You were the kind of kid who couldn't see the difference between throwing rocks at a cat and setting it on fire.
Knowledge is dangerous, which is why governments often clamp down on people who can think thoughts above a certain caliber.
In Genua, someone set out to make dreams come true. Remember some of your dreams?
Oh, well...up until now it had been a good day, in a horrible kind of way.
When I was a kid, I read the science-fiction shelves, and I read the fantasy shelves.
Sin, young man, is when you treat people like things. Including yourself. That's what sin is.
Anyway, if you stop tellin' people it's all sorted out afer they're dead, they might try sorting it all out while they're alive.
My own books drive themselves. I know roughly where a book is going to end, but essentially the story develops under my fingers. It's just a matter of joining the dots.
You're saying,' he said, weighing each word, 'that we should send Carrot away to be a duck among humans because Bjorn Stronginthearm is my uncle.
There are some people who hate my guts. But that goes with the territory.
"Money doesn't buy happiness, Gytha."
"I only wanted to rent it for a few weeks!"
Where there is personality, there is discord.
If I knew that I could die, I would live. My life, my death, my choice.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease.
Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
Probably went swimming and got eaten by a pineapple.
Logic is a wonderful thing but doesn't always beat actual thought.
Thats how we survive infinity -- we kill it by breaking it up into small bits.
It is well known that a vital ingredient of success is not knowing that what you're attempting can't be done.
This time it had been magic. And it didn't stop being magic just because you found out how it was done.
Ankh-Morpork had dallied with many forms of government and had ended up with that form of democracy known as One Man, One Vote. The Patrician was the Man; he had the Vote.
Never trust a species that grins all the time. It's up to something.
But what's worth more than gold? Practically everything. You, for example. Gold is heavy. Your weight in gold is not very much gold at all. Aren't you worth more than that?
No-one likes being told it's their lucky day. That sort of thing does not bode well. When someone tells you it's your lucky day, something bad is about to happen.
Light died in the west. Night and tears took the Nation. The star of Water drifted among the clouds like a murderer softly leaving the scene of the crime.
It was amazing how many friends you could make by being bad at things, provided you were bad enough to be funny.
Ninety percent of true love is acute, ear-burning embarrassment.
Ricewind had always relied on running away. But somerimes, perhaps, you had to stand and fight, if only because there was nowhere left to run.
IT'S A SWORD, said the Hogfather. THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE SAFE.
I think I would like to go into modelling. Of course, I don't know how to do it, and wouldn't be any good at it if I did, so I'm going to employ someone to walk the catwalks on my behalf. It would still be me, of course.
High magic requires a great clarity of thought, you see, and women's talents do not lie in that direction. Their brains tend to overheat.
When she spoke again it was in the thin, careful and above all brave voice of someone who has pulled themselves together despite overwhelming odds but might let go again at any moment.
Drunkenness had this to be said for it, it stopped the flow of inspirations.
Noble dragons don't have friends. The nearest they can get to the idea is an enemy who is still alive.
The headlines screamed at him as soon as he saw the paper. He almost screamed back.
That was the very centre of his genius -- he invented things that anyone could have thought of, and men who can invent things that anyone could have thought of are very rare men.
Silk stockings. With garters. Well, they were out. There were a lot of things he'd do for Sybil, but if garters figured anywhere in the relationship they weren't going to be on him.
You can‘t go around building a better world for people. Only people can build a better world for people. Otherwise it‘s just a cage.
First of all you are a writer, a writer is what you are, so it doesn't actually stop the moment you leave your desk, your computer, your keyboard, whatever. Something is operating the back of your mind.
It's not lying when you do it to officers!
A woman always has half an onion left over, no matter what the size of the onion, the dish or the woman.
It's very rare that I ever go and research a particular subject. Mostly I do serendipitous research, I read stuff, things spinning out of the page.
Thou shalt not submit thy god to market forces.
One day I'll work out what it is you are saying, my lad, and then you'll be in trouble.
I do not in fact use many puns. Certainly there are far fewer than people believe. But I suspect the ones I do occasionally use tend to hang around in people's memories for a while.
The money in the chorus isn't very good, is it?!" she said.
"No." It was less than you'd get for scrubbing floors. The reason was that, when you advertised a dirty floor, hundreds of hopefuls didn't turn up.
If he was going to be boiled for a lamb, then he might as well be roasted for a sheep.
He was currently wondering vaguely who Moey and Chandon were.
Everyone knew there were wolves in the mountains, but they seldom came near the village -- the modern wolves were the offspring of ancestors that had survived because they had learned that human meat had sharp edges.
You can't inspire people with facts. They need a cause. They need a symbol.
Mr. Tulip lived his life on that thin line most people occupy just before they haul off and hit someone repeatedly with a wrench.
Everybody needed the witches, but hated the fact that they did, and somehow the hatred of the fact could become the hatred of the person.
In ancient times cats were worshiped as gods; they have not forgotten this.
Of course fantasy is escapist. Most stories are. So what? Teachers are not meant to be jailers.
Go on, prove me wrong. Destroy the fabric of the universe. See if I care.
Someone out there was about to find that their worst nightmare was a maddened Librarian. With a badge.
When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man I put away childish things because. wow, then I could afford much *better* childish things!
Personal's not the same as important. People just think it is.
Just erotic. Nothing kinky. It's the difference between using a feather and using a chicken.
Potrafił nawet -- w przeciwieństwie do większości znanych Rincewindowi bohaterów -- używać słów dłuższych niż dwusylabowe... jeśli dało mu się dość czasu i podpowiedziało raz czy dwa.
Strength enough to build a home, Time enough to hold a child, Love enough to break a heart.
Nanny's philosophy of life was to do what seemed like a good idea at the time, and do it as hard as possible. It had never let her down.
Never trust any complicated cocktail that remains perfectly clear until the last ingredient goes in, and then immediately clouds.
Progress just means bad things happen faster.
Bein' human means judgin' all the time," said the voice behind him. "This and that, good and bad, making choices every day…that's human.
When you have been a possession,
then you really understand what freedom means
in all its magnificent terror.
Often I sort of work up and down the manuscript. I sometimes used to go ahead of myself to see what was going to happen next, to make certain it fits what was going to be happening soon.
Raise the stakes! Always push your luck because no one else would push it for you.
Big fat hairy monkey, hands a couple of octaves wide?
You have to have really wide reading habits and pay attention to the news and just everything that's going on in the world: you need to. If you get this right, then the writing is a piece of cake.
Silence fell like a hammer made of feathers. It left holes in the shape of the sound of the sea.
A marriage is always made up of two people who are prepared to swear that only the other one snores.
When you can flatten entire cities at a whim, a tendency towards quiet reflection and seeing-things-from-the-other-fellow's-point- of-view is seldom necessary.
Escapism isn't good or bad in itself. What is important is what you are escaping from and where you are escaping to.
On the Disc the gods dealt severely with atheists.
Oh, he did his best to make their short lives miserable, because that was his job, but nothing he could think up was half as bad as the stuff they thought up themselves.
We humans definitely need other people to keep us human.
Ridcully was to management what King Herod was to the Bethlehem Playgroup Association.
Gods play games with the fates of men. But first they have to get all the pieces on the board and look all over the place for the dice.
An education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.
No-one is finally dead until the ripples they cause in the world die away... The span of someone's life, they say, is only the core of their actual existence.
I should have learned this, she thought. I wanted to learn fire, and pain, but I should have learned people.
You've got a lot of time for abstract thought when you've got your hand stuck up a dead badger.
There was something pleasant about an empty classroom. Of course, as any teacher would point out, one nice thing was that there were no children in it.
Occasionally a few bubbles would eructate to the surface like the ghosts of beans on bath night.
Usually they defined "listening" as a period in which you worked out what you were going to say next.
In theory it was, around now, Literature. Susan hated Literature. She'd much prefer to read a good book.
Steal five dollars and you're a common thief. Steal thousands and you're either the government or a hero.
Most horses don't walk backwards voluntarily, because what they can't see doesn't exist.
All holy piety in public, and all peeled grapes and self-indulgence in private.
The Great God Om waxed wroth, or at least made a spirited attempt. There is a limit to the amount of wroth that can be waxed one inch from the ground, and he was right up against it.
You get a wonderful view from the point of no return.
This is Art holding a Mirror up to Life. That's why everything is exactly the wrong way around.
It was written in some holy book, apparently, so that made it okay, and probably compulsory.
'Nation' was one that I'd have killed myself if I hadn't written it. It was absolutely important to me that I wrote it. It was good for my soul.
Nanny Ogg knew how to start spelling 'banana', but didn't know how you stopped.
I have to ask, sir...Why does it have to be done like this?"
Vetinari smiled. "Can you keep a secret, Mister Lipwig?"
"Oh, yes, sir. I've kept lots."
"Capital. And the point is, so can I. You do not need to know.
Anger is wonderful. It keeps you going. I'm angry about bankers. About the government.
A push-and-go wooden duck on wheels can cause quite a lot of damage if wielded with enough force.
Guilt was the grease in which the wheels of the authority turned.
I imagine that fish have no word for water.
Humans take. They plough with iron. They ravage the land.'
'Some do, I'll grant you that. Others put back more'n they take. They put back love. They've got soil in their bones.
He helped the Librarian up. There was a red glow in the ape's eyes. It had tried to steal his books. This was probably the best proof any wizard could require that the trolleys were brainless.
Modesty is only arrogance by stealth.
Granny was an old-fashioned witch. She didn't do good for people, she did right by them.
You know how to pray, don't you? Just put your hands together and hope.
In defiance of Miss Maccalariat I'd like to commit hanky-panky with you, Miss Adora Belle Dearheart... well, certainly hanky, and possibly panky when we get to know one another better.
But in his experience it was only a matter of time before the normal balance of the universe restored itself and started doing the usual terrible things to him.
"Sort of mad. But mad with lots of money."
"Ah, then he can't be mad. I've been around; if a man hash lotsh of money he'sh just ecshentric.
What is normal? Normal was yesterday. If you lose a leg, one day you're hopping around on one leg, so you know the difference.
Moist groaned. It was the crack of seven and he was allergic to the concept of two seven o'clocks in one day.
I'm not superstitious. I'm a witch. Witches aren't superstitious. We are what people are superstitious of.
There are some things that are more appropriate to a children's than an adult book but there's a huge overlapping area and most kids read an age group up anyway.
Bein' a soldier is not hard. If it was, soldiers would not be able to do it.
I didn't go to university. Didn't even finish A-levels. But I have sympathy for those who did.
She was definitely feeling several twinkles short of a glitter.
Shadwell hated all southerners and, by inference, was standing at the North Pole.
Next comes the realist phase ("After all, from a purely geometrical point of view a cat is only a tube with a door at the top.")
Of course, Ankh-Morpork's citizens had always claimed that the river water was incredibly pure. Any water that had passed through so many kidneys, they reasoned, had to be very pure indeed.
It's the end game that people dread and that's what I'm scared of.
After you've been working fairly intensively on a novel for six months you never want to see the damn thing again.
The Kraken stirs. And ten billion sushi dinners cry out for vengeance.
Human beings, little bags of thinking water held up briefly by fragile accumulations of calcium.
Look, he said to his imagination, if this is how you're going to behave, I shan't bring you again.
There was a sigh from Death. Space he thought. That was the trouble. It was never like this on worlds with everlastingly cloudy skies. But once humans saw all that space, their brains expanded to try and fill it up.
What a place! What a situation! What kind of man would put a known criminal in charge of a major branch of government? Apart from, say, the average voter.
Money makes people rich; it is a fallacy to think it makes them better, or even that it makes them worse. People are what they do, and what they leave behind.
No real sunrise could paint the sky Surgical Appliance Pink.
Vimes stalked gloomily through the crowded streets, feeling like the only pickled onion in a fruit salad.
You can't remember the plot of the Dr Who movie because it didn't have one, just a lot of plot holes strung together. It did have a lot of flashing lights, though.
Everywhere I look, I see something holy.
We're better'n them all right. We jus' don't always win.
Why not? If enough people believe, you can be god of anything.
Could I please amend that suggestion? Could you not be there in the second darkest shadow one hour before midnight, to see who steps into the darkest shadow?
It was the heart of any scam or fiddle -- keep the punter uncertain, or, if he is certain, make him certain of the wrong thing.
The days followed one another patiently. Right back at the beginning of the multiverse they had tried all passing at the same time, and it hadn't worked.
The shortest unit of time in the multiverse is the New York Second, defined as the period of time between the traffic lights turning green and the cab behind you honking.
And we don't often get any wading birds in the River Ankh, mainly because the pollution would eat their legs away and anyway, it's easier for them to walk on the surface.
Writing is the most fun you can have by yourself.
I've often felt depressed; everyone feels depressed.
I got into science fiction by being interested in astronomy first.
Some shadows are so long, they arrive before the light.
And Unseen University took tradition very seriously, at least when it remembered to.
They say a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but it's not one half so bad as a lot of ignorance.
She walked quickly through the darkness with the frank stride of someone who was at least certain that the forest, on this damp and windy night, contained strange and terrible things and she was it.
Mr Lipwig, there's a lady in the hall to see you and we've thanked her for not smoking three times and she's still doing it!
Even our fears make us feel important, because we fear we might not be.
Inzwischen hätten sie Bürokratie und Steuern erfinden können, um die Bürger mit wahrem Kummer zu geißeln. Statt dessen haben wir nur einen Haufen zweitklassiger Axtmörder. Welche Verschwendung.
Possession of the box conferred a kind of power on the wielder -- which was that anyone, confronted with the hypnotic glass eye, would submissively obey the most peremptory orders about stance and expression.
Genius is always allowed some leeway, once the hammer has been pried from its hands and the blood has been cleaned up.
Soon to come in licorice, orange, cinnamon, and banana, but not strawberry, because I hate strawberries.
Opera happens because a large number of things amazingly fail to go wrong.
Hello, inner child, I'm the inner babysitter.
Hello, inner child, I'm the inner babysitter!
We're living in science fiction, but we don't realize it.
What we're going to do is keep the peace. That's our job. We're not going to be heroes, we're just going to be ... normal.
Corporal Nobbs had been disqualified from the human race for shoving.
Them as can do has to do for them as can't. And someone has to speak up for them as has no voices.
Rincewind tried to force the memory out of his mind, but it was rather enjoying itself there, terrorizing the other occupants and kicking over the furniture.
People don't like to say Horror so they say Dark Fantasy because that's Horror wearing a collar and tie.
Eight years involved with the nuclear industry have taught me that when nothing can possible go wrong and every avenue has been covered, then is the time to buy a house on the next continent.
It would seem that you have no useful skill or talent whatsoever" he said. "Have you thought of going into teaching?
It was said that life was cheap in Ankh-Morpork. This was of course, completely wrong. Life was often very expensive; you could get death for free.
There's a saying that all roads lead to Ankh-Morpork. And it's wrong. All roads lead away from Ankh-Morpork, but sometimes people just walk along them the wrong way.
My idea of a good novel was one you made enough money out of to buy a greenhouse.
And, while it was regarded as pretty good evidence of criminality to be living in a slum, for some reason owning a whole street of them merely got you invited to the very best social occasions.
And all those exclamation marks, you notice? Five? A sure sign of someone who wears his underpants on his head.
That's the trouble about the good guys and the bad guys! They're all guys!
Creatures which, lacking mankind's superior brain power, did not concern themselves with finding someone to blame, and instead tried to find someone to eat.
Sometimes the moon is light and sometimes it's in shadow, but you should always remember it's the same moon.
It is true that words have power, and one of the things they are able to do is get out of someone's mouth before the speaker has the chance to stop them.
Bandits and governments 'ave so much in common that they might be interchangeable anywhere in the world.
You had to deal every day with people who were foolish and lazy and untruthful and downright unpleasant, and you could certainly end up thinking that the world would be considerably improved if you gave them a slap.
Tell someone you are going to rob them and all that will happen is that you'll get a reputation as a truthful man.
His sister had been sent down to the village to ask Mistress Garlick the witch how you stopped spelling recommendation.
He's got a box with a demon in it that draws pictures," said Rincewind shortly. "Do what the madman says and he will give you gold.
They looked at one another in incomprehension, two minds driving opposite ways up a narrow street and waiting for the other man to reverse first.
In order to have a change of fortune at the last minute, you have to take your fortune to the last minute.
There is no doubt that being human is incredibly difficult and cannot be mastered in one lifetime.
Esme Weatherwax hadn't done nice. She'd done what was needed.
Juliet's version of cleanliness was next to godliness, which was to say it was erratic, past all understanding and was seldom seen.
I'm interested in mythology generally, but India has no special place in my heart -- although Hindu gods seem a lot more fun.
In my heart, I'm just a kid from the council houses. I can remember the old cottage and my dad coming round with the tin bath. I'm not a rich man.
I've never really liked the Yanks. ... You can't trust people who pick up the ball all the time when they play football.
Actors, said Granny, witheringly. As if the world weren't full of enough history without inventing more.
I do note with interest that old women in my books become young women on the covers... this is discrimination against the chronologically gifted.
Inside every lump of coal there's a diamond waiting to get out.
A man could be dogmatic, and that was all right, or he could be stupid, and no harm done, but stupid and dogmatic at the same time was too much, especially fluxed with body odor.
The figures looked more or less human. And they were engaged in religion. You could tell by the knives (it's not murder if you do it for a god).
Silverfish looked down. "Oh. Are you a dwarf?" Cuddy gave him a blank stare. "Are you a giant?" he said. "Me? Of course not!" "Ah. Then I must be a dwarf, yes.
Vimes struggled to his feet, shook his head and set off after it. No thought was involved. It is the ancient instinct of terriers and policemen to chase anything that runs away.
The world is a globe. The farther you sail, the closer to home you are.
The pen is mightier than the sword if the sword is very short, and the pen is very sharp.
Of course, just because we've heard a spine-chilling, blood-curdling scream of the sort to make your very marrow freeze in your bones doesn't automatically mean there's anything wrong.
Just because you can explain it doesn't mean it's not still a miracle.
Sometimes I feel that the world is made up of sensible people who know the plot and bloody idiots who don't.
Experience has taught me that you feel better on a flight if you avoid chicken fat in plastic sauce.
William wondered why he always disliked people who said 'no offense meant.' Maybe it was because they found it easier to to say 'no offense meant' than actually to refrain from giving offense.
He moved on, in the centre of a widening circle. He wasn't an enemy, he was a nemesis.
Mr. False! No, don't start grabbing the chickens! Better off farmer with no chickens than a load of chickens with no farmer! Anyway, they'll probably float, or fly, or something!
You don't have to chase around after creatures, Pismire had said.
I have, before now, waited for a pen to perform a macro.
The Deftmenes are mad and the Dumii are sane, thought Snibril, and that's just the same as being mad except that it's quieter.
The pamphlet was very patriotic. That is, it talked about killing foreigners.
Do gems burn, I wonder? ‘Tis said they're kin to coal.
If we wanted people to fly, we would have given them wings."
"You gave me wings when you showed me birds.
He was certain he was anorectic, because every time he looked in a mirror he saw a fat man. It was the Archchancellor, standing behind him and shouting at him.
This book was written using 100% recycled words.
There are no inconsistencies in the Discworld books; ocassionally, however, there are alternate pasts.
You can't trust folk songs. They always sneak up on you.
You were safe on a troll. Anyone wanting to mug a troll would have to use a building on a stick.
Chaos is found in greatest abundance wherever order is being sought. It always defeats order, because it is better organized.
Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual.
Things that try to look like things often do look more like things than things.
Stupid men are often capable of things the clever would not dare to contemplate.
Five exclamation marks, the sure sign of an insane mind.
So many worlds, so many wonders.
Life is just chemicals. A drop here, a drip there, everything's changed. A mere dribble of fermented juices and sudenlly you're going to live another few hours.
Humans need fantasy to be human. To be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape.
Racism was not a problem on the Discworld, because -- what with trolls and dwarfs and so on -- speciesism was more interesting. Black and white lived in perfect harmony and ganged up on green.
It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes. It is in fact true. It's called living.
He had the kind of real deep tan that rich people spent ages trying to achieve with expensive holidays and bits of tinfoil, when really all you need to do to obtain one is work your arse off in the open air everyday.
You did something because it had always been done, and the explanation was, ‘But we've always done it this way.' A million dead people can't have been wrong, can they?
Making money isn't something to be ashamed of. There's a feeling now that if you have money you must have got it by some kind of shady dealing or being an MP.
Look, sir, I know Angua. She's not the useless type. She doesn't stand there and scream helplessly. She makes other people do that.
From the trees around the clearing the snakes and birds watched silently. In the swamp the alligators drifted like patches of bad-assed water.
Responsibilities are the anvil on which a man is forged.
It is possible to live well with dementia and write best-sellers 'like wot I do.
It was sad music. But it waved its sadness like a battle flag. It said the universe had done all it could, but you were still alive.
Sheep are stupid, and have to be driven. But goats are intelligent, and need to be led.
I believe you find life such a problem because you think there are good people and bad people. You're wrong, of course. There are, always and only, the bad people, but some of them are on opposite sides.
Shut up sergeant. You're a free troll. That's an order"
Priests were metal-reinforced overshoes. They saved your soles. This is an Assassin joke.
He'sh mad?' ‘Sort of mad. But mad with lots of money.' ‘Ah, then he can't be mad. I've been around; if a man hash lotsh of money he'sh just ecshentric.
Once you gave a thing a name, you gave it life.
When the humours were handed out, Ankh-Morpork got the one for joking and Quirm had to do make do with their expertise in fine dining and love-making.
No, I happen to be one of those people whose memory shuts down under pressure. The answers would come to me in the middle of the night in my sleep! Besides, I am a millionaire.
A crowbar is a universal pass key.
If you don't turn your life into a story, you just become a part of someone else's story.
Bring 'em in stupid, send them away clever, that's the UU way!
Now look," snapped the Dean, "we've searched everywhere for a decent library on this island. There simply isn't one! It's ridiculous. How is anyone supposed to get anything done?
The prayers of most religions generally praise and thank the gods involved, either out of general piety or in the hope that he or she will take the hint and start acting responsibly.
The remainder of the opera passed without anyone dying, except where the score required them to do so at some length.
The enemy isn't men, or women, it's bloody stupid people and no-one has the right to be stupid.
"Out of Print" is bookseller speak for "We can't be hedgehogged."
Blessings be on this house," Granny said, perfunctorily. It was always a good opening remark for a witch. It concentrated people's minds on what other things might be on this house.
I like writing. I get cranky when I can't. Yes, I write books back to back, and I work very hard on them.
What your soldier wants -- really, really wants -- is no-one shooting back at him.
We live in a science fiction universe. We have done for a long time.
In the beginning there was nothing, which exploded.
People listened to Hamnpork because he was the leader, but they listened to Darktan because he was often telling you things that you really, really needed to know if you wanted to go on living.
Vampires have risen from the dead, the grave, and the crypt, but have never managed it from the cat.
Tiffany found her mind filling up with an invisible gray mist, and in that thought there was nothing but grief. She could feel herself trying to push back time, but even the best witchcraft could not do that.
One thing that writers have in common is that they are readers first. They have read lots and lots of stuff, because they're just infested with lots of stuff.
That's the Ankh-Morpork instinct, Vimes thought. Run away, and then stop and see if anything interesting is going to happen to other people.
It's not morbid to talk about death. Most people don't worry about death, they worry about a bad death.
People whose concept of ancient history is the first series of Star Trek may be treated with patience, because it's usually not their fault they were reduced to getting their education from school.
And summer isn't a time. It's a place as well. Summer is a moving creature and likes to go south for the winter.
Vimes leaned back. 'Don't try to put me at my ease, Miss von Humpeding,' he said. 'It makes me nervous when people do that. It's not as though I have any ease to be put at.
I'm sure the Bursar would not agree with those figures," said the Senior Wrangler sourly.
"That is so,' said Ponder, "but I'm afraid that is because he regards the decimal point as a nuisance.
There's always a story. It's all stories, really. The sun coming up every day is a story. Everything's got a story in it. Change the story, change the world.
On nights such as this, witches are abroad. Well, not actually abroad. They don't like the food and you can't trust the water and the shamans always hog the deckchairs.
And, as always happens, and happens far too soon, the strange and wonderful becomes a memory and a memory becomes a dream. Tomorrow it's gone.
The whole point of the wish business was to see to it that what the client got was exactly what he asked for and exactly what he didn't really want.
Mister Teatime had a truly brilliant mind, but it was brilliant like a fractured mirror, all marvellous facets and rainbows but, ultimately, also something that was broken.
Commander, I always used to consider that you had a definite anti-authoritarian streak in you." "Sir?" "It seems that you have managed to retain this even though you are authority." "Sir?" "That's practically zen.
The consensus seemed to be that if really large numbers of men were sent to storm the mountain, then enough might survive the rocks to take the citadel. This is essentially the basis of all military thinking.
There is a rumour going around that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and there is empirical evidence that they exist.
Luck is my middle name. Mind you, my first name is Bad.
Sooner or later we're all someone's dog.
Tourist, Rincewind decided, meant ‘idiot."
He could always materialise and sort things out personally. But he liked people to believe that all the bad things that happened to them were just fate and destiny. It was one of the few things that cheered him up.
I'm a witch. It's what we do. When it's nobody else's business, it's my business.
This I choose to do. If there is a price, this I choose to pay. If it is my death, then I choose to die. Where this takes me, there I choose to go. I choose. This I choose to do.
I ain't against gods and goddesses, in their place. But they've got to be the ones we make ourselves. Then we can take 'em to bits for the parts when we don't need 'em anymore, see?
"Questions don't have to make sense, Vincent," said Miss Susan. "But answers do."
I decided at school that the only sensible way to make a living by arranging words in a pleasing order was by working on newspapers, because you got paid at the end of the week or the end of the month.
This man was so absent-mindedly clever that he could paint pictures that didn't just follow you around the room but went home with you and did the washing-up.
It's always surprising to be reminded that while you're watching and thinking about people, all knowing and superior, they're watching and thinking about you, right back at you.
The Captain of the Watch says if you're still in the City by sunrise he will personally have you buried alive.
You don't want people to be kind to animals because they're animals, you just want people to be kind to animals because one of them might be you.
I can't stand any music that requires its singers to be so dumb they wear their baseball caps backwards.
We can't just drop everything, sir!"
"Mister Lipwig. Is there something in the word 'tyrant' you do not understand?
Rincewind a man who might well have had 'Victim' written all over him but also had 'Wizzard' written on his hat.
Omens are everywhere in this world you just have to find the one that fits.
Young adults that actually read are reading bodice rippers and best-sellers and me. And Horror.
No one thinks that young adults read books for young adults; books for young adults are read by kids.
When you're all singing together, it brings things together. I know the songs that my grandfather and my father sang.
Truth! Freedom! Justice! And a hard-boiled egg!
Plot exposition that can be gently wound out by the authorial voice and internal monologue of a character in the length of a page has to be delivered in a matter of seconds on the stage.
I keep vaguely wondering what Macs are like, but the ones I've seen spend too much time being friendly.
Fascism may be good at making the trains run on time, but you wouldn't like some of the destinations.
But that was just it -- hate was exactly the right word. Hate is a force of attraction. Hate is just love with its back turned.
But here's some advice, boy. Don't put your trust in revolutions. They always come around again. That's why they're called revolutions.
Interest? What's money interested in?' 'More money.'
I've never known what to do," said Rincewind with hollow cheerfulness. "Been completely at a loss my whole life." He hesitated. "I think it's called being human, or something.
When they're standing right in front of you, kings are a kind of speech impediment.
What can the harvest hope for, if not for the care of the Reaper Man?
I'm referred to, I see, as 'the biggest banker in modern publishing'. Now there's a line that needed the celebrated Guardian proof-reading.
You will have to look a long way before you find a bunch of scum-suckers more greedy, humourless and deserving of death than the suits in the music business.
It doesn't matter if dragons are flying overhead or whatever -- a lot of Victoriana is still cut in the frame of fantasy.
I stroll along, talk, I sign books, people buy me drinks, I forget where my hotel is, I get lost and fall into some local body of water... done it hundreds of times.
The most important thing was that time had passed, pouring thousands of soothing seconds across the island. People need time to deal with the now before it runs away and becomes the then.
Death stripes away many things, especially when it arrives at a temperature hot enough to vaporize iron ... The immortal remains of Brother Watchtower watched the dragon flap away into the fog ..
Always remember that the crowd that applauds your coronation is the same crowd that will applaud your beheading. People like a show.
Don't wish, Miss Tick had said. Do things.
Neither of my parents went to church, but they did everything that you needed to do to be Christian. That's something a Quaker would call an intimation of the divine.
Most gods throw dice, but Fate plays chess, and you don't find out til too late that he's been playing with two queens all along.
Vimes had believed all his life that the Watch were called coppers because they carried copper badges, but no, said Carrot, it comes from the old word cappere, to capture.
One of the highlights of the first Good Omens tour was Neil and I walking through New York singing Shoehorn with Teeth. Well, we'd had a good breakfast. And you don't get mugged, either.
You take a bunch of people who don't seem any different from you and me, but when you add them all together you get this sort of huge raving maniac with national borders and an anthem.
Probably the last man who knew how it worked had been tortured to death years before. Or as soon as it was installed. Killing the creator was a traditional method of patent-protection.
Imagination, not intelligence, made us human.
Insofar as he'd formed any opinion of her, it was that she suffered from misplaced gentility and the mistaken belief that etiquette meant good breeding. She mistook mannerisms for manners.
Evil begins when you begin to treat people as things.
Cats will amusingly tolerate humans only until someone comes up with a tin opener that can be operated with a paw.
Scientists have calculated that the chances of something so patently absurd actually existing are millions to one.
But magicians have calculated that million-to-one chances crop up nine times out of ten.
I must confess the activities of the UK governments for the past couple of years have been watched with frank admiration and amazement by Lord Vetinari. Outright theft as a policy had never occurred to him.
I get it,' said the prisoner. 'Good Cop, Bad Cop, eh?' If you like.' said Vimes. 'But we're a bit short staffed here, so if I give you a cigarette would you mind kicking yourself in the teeth?
The proliferation of luminous fungi or iridescent crystals in deep caves where the torchlessly improvident hero needs to see is one of the most obvious intrusions of narrative causality into the physical universe.
Raising the flag and singing the anthem are, while somewhat suspicious, not in themselves acts of treason.
We who think we are about to die will laugh at anything.
Child. That was a terrible thing to say to anyone who was almost thirteen.
People are content to wait a long time for salvation, but expect dinner to turn up within the hour.
The people who really run organizations are usually found several levels down, where it is still possible to get things done.
In fact, if there were such a thing as an international thieving contest, Ankh-Morpork would bring home the trophy and probably everyone's wallets.
Sister Mary was a nurse and nurses, whatever their creed, are primarily nurses, which had a lot to do with wearing your watch upside down, keeping calm in emergencies, and dying for a cup of tea.
Bringing about Armageddon can be dangerous. Do not attempt it in your own home.
The intelligence of that creature known as a crowd is the square root of the number of people in it.
When Geoffrey's not anxious, he radiates calmness, which probably means he sees more things and finds more things than other people do. It makes him open to new things too.
Give anyone a lever long enough and they can change the world. It's unreliable levers that are the problem.
Being Ymor's right-hand man was like being gently flogged to death with scented bootlaces.
She knew a cutting, incisive, withering and above all a self-evident answer existed. It was just that, to her extreme annoyance, she couldn't quite bring it to mind.
It was a Guild of Assassins, after all. Black was what you wore. The night was black and so were you. And black had such style, and an Assassin without style, everyone agreed, was just a highly paid arrogant thug.
Captain Vimes believed in logic, in much the same way as a man in a desert believed in ice -- i.e., it was something he really needed, but this just wasn't the world for it.
It takes forty men with their feet on the ground to keep one man with his head in the air.
"It tells him what to say. I know it sounds ridiculous," muttered Hugh.
"How can a book tell a man what to say?"
So much paperwork to read! So much paperwork to push away! So much paperwork to pretend he hadn't received and that might have been eaten by gargoyles.
Gods, it felt good. Hot water was civilization. Vimes could feel the stiffness in his muscles melting away in the warmth.
I hate cats."
Death's face became a little stiffer, if that were possible. The blue glow in his eye sockets flickered red for an instant.
"I SEE," he said. The tone suggested that death was too good for cat haters.
All dwarfs have beards and wear up to twelve layers of clothing. Gender is more or less optional.
Did I do anything last night that suggested I was sane?
What I've always said was, hang in there, let me write what I want to write, and you'll probably like it.
The thing about witchcraft," said Mistress Weatherwax, "is that it's not like school at all. First you get the test, and then afterward you spend years findin' out how you passed it. It's a bit like life in that respect.
If failure had no penalty success would not be a prize.
Pets are always a great help in times of stress. And in times of starvation too, o'course.
It seems that when you have cancer you are a brave battler against the disease, but when you have Alzheimer's you are an old fart. That's how people see you. It makes you feel quite alone.
All Fungi are edible.
Some fungi are only edible once.
Never build a dungeon you wouldn't be happy to spend the night in yourself. The world would be a happier place if more people remembered that.
Who shall I shoot? You choose. Now, listen very carefully: where's your coffee? You've got coffee, haven't you? C'mon, everyone's got coffee! Spill the beans!
If you want to change a whole people, then you start with the girls. It stands to reason: they learn faster, and they pass on what they learn to their children.
This isn't life in the fast lane, it's life in the oncoming traffic.
Grinning like a necrophiliac in a morgue.
Commander Vimes always says that when life hands you a mess of spaghetti, you just keep pulling until you find a meatball.
If you try to to take my bananas from me, I will reclaim them from your cold dead hands.
I'm glad a genre writer has got a knighthood, but stunned that it was me.
I'm fairy godmothering a girl who sounds like something you put up in the rain.
Why bother with a cunning plan when a simple one will do?
She was beautiful, but she was beautiful in the way a forest fire was beautiful: something to be admired from a distance, not up close.
I became a journalist at 17. A few hours later, I saw my first dead body, which was somewhat... colourful. That's when I learned you can go on throwing up after you run out of things to throw up.
Well, he thought, so this is diplomacy. It's lying, only for a better class of people.
Verence would rather cut his own leg off than put a witch in prison, since it'd save trouble in the long run and probably be less painful.
In the words of the philosopher Sceptum, the founder of my profession: am I going to get paid for this?
Nanny Ogg looked under her bed in case there was a man there. Well, you never knew your luck.
You couldn't buy it, you couldn't sell it, but you could give it away and still keep it, and even it'd been made of lead, it would have been worth its weight in gold.
You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.
Money is an unavoidable consequence, but it isn't the reason I write; if it was, I wouldn't have written any of the YA books, because advances in that field are small compared to what I'd got now for an 'adult' DW.
Don't stick your nose where someone can pull it off and eat it.
Although she was aware that somewhere under her complicated strata of vests and petticoats there was some skin, that didn't mean to say she approved of it.
"I can see we're going to get along like a house on fire," said Miss Tick. "There may be no survivors."
Last night there seemed to be a chance. Anything was possible last night. That was the trouble with last nights. They were always followed by this mornings.
A good man will kill you with hardly a word.
Well, the lion is a big ol' coward, mostly. If you want trouble, you want to tangle with the lioness. They're killers, and they hunt together. It's the same everywhere. If you want big grief, look to the ladies.
Other people salted away money for their old age, but Nanny preferred to accumulate memories.
Fantasy is an exercise bicycle for the mind. It might not take you anywhere, but it tones up the muscles that can.
Trouble began, and not for the first time, with an apple.
The food was good solid stuff for a cold morning, all calories and fat and protein and maybe a vitamin crying softly because it was all alone.
Tolkien is eminently filmable, I think. 'The Lord of the Rings' is intensely... landscaped. But 'Discworld' is about dialogue, which is one reason why it might be hard to film.
The first draft is just you telling yourself the story.
Building a temple didn't mean you believed in gods, it just meant you believed in architecture.
The truth may be out there, but the lies are inside your head.
Granny Weatherwax was not lost. She wasn't the kind of person who ever became lost. It was just that, at the moment, while she knew exactly where SHE was, she didn't know the position of anywhere else.
My name is unpronounceable in your tongue, woman," it said. "I'll be the judge of that," warned Granny, and added, "Don't call me woman." "Very well. My name is WxrtHltl-jwlpklz," said the demon smugly.
The universe clearly operates for the benefit of humanity. This can be readily seen from the convenient way the sun comes up in the morning, when people are ready to start the day.
I have a living will and I have friends, and I have money and I have hope.
I think perhaps the most important problem is that we are trying to understand the fundamental workings of the universe via a language devised for telling one another when the best fruit is.
It's a terrible thing for a man when his woman gangs up on him wi' a toad.
Nothing I can say or devise, and nothing anybody else can say or devise, is going to be perfect.
That's Third Thoughts for you. When a huge rock is going to land on your head, they're the thoughts that think: Is that an igneous rock, such as granite, or is it sandstone?
When your name is really and truly Percy Blakeney, pronounced 'Black-knee', and you still have bad acne in your twenties, you accept Pimple as a nickname and are grateful that it wasn't anything worse.
You get all sorts of people in the library, and the librarian gets it all.
What is magic? There is the wizard's explanation... wizards talk about candles, circles, planets, stars, bananas, chants, runes and the importance of having at least four good meals every day.
Odd thing, ain't it... you meet people one at a time, they seem decent, they got brains that work, and then they get together and you hear the voice of the people. And it snarls.
For several years he hadn't moved outside a large, airy room, but this was OK, because he spent most of his time inside his own head in any case. There's a certain type of person it's very hard to imprison.
Don't be smart. Smart is only a polished version of dumb. Try intelligence. It will surely see you through.
Shoes, men, coffins; never accept the first one you see.
If you don't know when to be a human being, you don't know when to be a witch.
Esk, of course, had not been trained, and it is well known that a vital ingredient of success is not knowing that what you're attempting can't be done.
Ye know full well that the meaning of life is to find your gift. To find your gift is happiness. Never tae find it is misery.
And at the end of all stories Azrael, who knew the secret, thought: I REMEMBER WHEN ALL THIS WILL BE AGAIN.
When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtle would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds. This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.
It's not gambling to play
against someone who's no good. It's common sense.