Inspiration and wisdom from divine felines

100 Inspiring Quotes by W. C. Fields

Welcome to our collection of quotes by W. C. Fields.

Wikipedia Summary for W.C. Fields

William Claude Dukenfield (January 29, 1880 – December 25, 1946), better known as W. C. Fields, was an American comedian, actor, juggler, and writer. Fields' comic persona was a misanthropic and hard-drinking egotist who remained a sympathetic character despite his supposed contempt for children and dogs.

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Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy -- but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.

--W.C. Fields

snow-covered mountain near lake under blue sky

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

--W.C. Fields

three clear drinking glasses with brown liquid

My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?

--W.C. Fields

black dragonfly perched on green grass in close up photography during daytime

I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

--W.C. Fields

person standing on rock formation during daytime

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

--W.C. Fields

silhouette of elephant on brown sand during sunset

Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.

--W.C. Fields

gray satellite disc on field

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

--W.C. Fields

blue and white abstract painting

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do, she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

--W.C. Fields

flowers beside yellow wall

It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

--W.C. Fields

three clear glass cups

Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents).

--W.C. Fields

aerial photography of beach

Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?

--W.C. Fields

scenery of aurora

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

--W.C. Fields

silhouette of tall trees

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

--W.C. Fields

sunset

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

--W.C. Fields

street lamp

I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

--W.C. Fields

bird in the sky

I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.

--W.C. Fields


Blue to purple gradient

Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!

--W.C. Fields

person holding flowers

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

--W.C. Fields

Arizona landscape

If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.

--W.C. Fields

Arizona landscape

How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?

--W.C. Fields

cup of latte on table

Happiness means quiet nerves.

--W.C. Fields

brown wooden board

Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

--W.C. Fields

scenery of aurora

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

--W.C. Fields


pink and yellow flower painting

No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.

--W.C. Fields

selective focus photo of brown guitar on white pillow

Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.

--W.C. Fields

women's black and pink monokini

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

--W.C. Fields

green tree under blue sky during night time

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

--W.C. Fields

yellow sunflower in bloom during daytime

I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.

--W.C. Fields

high-angle photography of mountain at sunset

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

--W.C. Fields

pink-petaled rose flower

Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

--W.C. Fields

black pug puppy on white and pink textile

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

--W.C. Fields

grass field under cloudy sky

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

--W.C. Fields

cluster of stars in the sky

Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.

--W.C. Fields

silhouette of off-road car

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.

--W.C. Fields

purple flowers under sunny sky

I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.

--W.C. Fields

red strawberry fruit on red surface

I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!

--W.C. Fields

white wooden table near brown chair

Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.

--W.C. Fields

orange petaled flowers

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.

--W.C. Fields

silhouette of grass under moonlight

I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.

--W.C. Fields

None

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

--W.C. Fields

silhouette of elephant on brown sand during sunset

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

--W.C. Fields

moon near mountain ridge

I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

--W.C. Fields

mountains covered with fog

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

--W.C. Fields

black textile in close up photography

I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.

--W.C. Fields

girl leaning on wall during daytime

I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

--W.C. Fields

aerial photo of brown moutains

I never eat before breakfast.

--W.C. Fields

aerial photography of forest

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

--W.C. Fields

3 women playing soccer on green grass field during daytime

Anything worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

--W.C. Fields

close-up photography of heart shaped fairy lite on brown sand

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

--W.C. Fields

yellow, orange, red, green, and blue abstract painting

I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

--W.C. Fields

woman in white and black stripe long sleeve shirt standing beside brown concrete building during daytime

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

--W.C. Fields

sunflower with sunglasses under blue sky during daytime

You can't cheat an honest man.

--W.C. Fields

man in orange jacket and black pants doing snow ski during daytime

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

--W.C. Fields

aerial view of foggy forest

A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

--W.C. Fields

common sunflower

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.

--W.C. Fields

icy mountain scenery

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

--W.C. Fields

boat on sea far away from island

Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

--W.C. Fields

bird's eye view photography of trees and body of water

I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.

--W.C. Fields

green and white painted wall

If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.

--W.C. Fields

person standing on rock beside body of water between green trees

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

--W.C. Fields

four person standing beside wall

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

--W.C. Fields

man in white shirt and black pants standing on top of building

If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.

--W.C. Fields



photo of about to bloom lotus flower

Never give a sucker an even break.

--W.C. Fields

time lapse photography of lightning during storm

Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.

--W.C. Fields

leafless tree on snow covered ground

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

--W.C. Fields

green plant in tilt shift lens

Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.

--W.C. Fields

red yellow and blue paint

The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.

--W.C. Fields

Texas buildings

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

--W.C. Fields

white stars cutout on black surface with red string

Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.

--W.C. Fields

sunset

W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.

--W.C. Fields

woman standing on forest

There are only two real ways to get ahead today -- sell liquor or drink it.

--W.C. Fields

mountains covered with fog

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

--W.C. Fields

green plants with white background

Children should neither be seen or heard from -- ever again.

--W.C. Fields

yellow, orange, red, green, and blue abstract painting

The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.

--W.C. Fields

multicolored abstract painting

Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.

--W.C. Fields

silhouette of mountain during golden hour

The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.

--W.C. Fields

panoramic photography of mountains

The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!

--W.C. Fields

brown houses in front of hill under starry night

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

--W.C. Fields

selective photography of green leaf plant

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

--W.C. Fields

brown wooden surface

I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.

--W.C. Fields

lights pattern swirls

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

--W.C. Fields

three person looking stars and milky way

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.

--W.C. Fields

sunset forest

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.

--W.C. Fields

black and white bird on seashore

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

--W.C. Fields

shallow focus photography of black DSLR camera

I'm searching for loopholes.

--W.C. Fields

white and blue floral textile

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

--W.C. Fields

pink and white flowers in tilt shift lens

I must have a drink of breakfast.

--W.C. Fields

brown and red paint brushes

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

--W.C. Fields

man running on seashore

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

--W.C. Fields

blue and white abstract painting

If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

--W.C. Fields

gray road beside a trees

I drink therefore I am.

--W.C. Fields

white paint palette with black paint beside ink bottle and paint brush

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

--W.C. Fields

blue sky with stars during night time

It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.

--W.C. Fields

man in gray shirt and blue denim jeans sitting on gray rock near green tree during

I'm looking for loopholes.

--W.C. Fields

Longer Version:

I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).


red textile on brown wooden table

How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon -- and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

--W.C. Fields

leafless tree on body of water during daytime

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .

--W.C. Fields

Longer Version:

The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his buttons.


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