Prayers never bring anything... They may bring solace to the sap, the bigot, the ignorant, the aboriginal, and the lazy -- but to the enlightened it is the same as asking Santa Claus to bring you something for Xmas.
If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.
My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?
I didn't squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn't see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
Some people are born losers; others acquire the knack gradually.
When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do, she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
It was a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.
Indeed, moderation is my middle name (though I do not often use it in signing legal documents).
Drown in a cold vat of whiskey? Death, where is thy sting?
The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.
I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.
I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.
Remember, Lady Godiva put all she had on a horse and she lost her shirt!
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.
How is the human race going to survive now that the cost of living has gone up two dollars a quart?
Happiness means quiet nerves.
Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
No man is boss in his own home, but he can make up for it, he thinks, by making a dog play dead.
Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink.
Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I never worry about being driven to drink; I just worry about being driven home.
Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.
Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive.
Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.
I like my films to influence the audience. Even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.
I don't object to nine aces in one deck. But when a man lays down five aces in one hand... and besides, I know what I dealt him!
Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B. C.
Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.
I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.
Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
I like to keep a bottle of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.
I've been asked if I ever get the DTs. I don't know. It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
I never eat before breakfast.
I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.
Anything worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.
I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.
The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.
You can't cheat an honest man.
Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.
A merry Christmas to all my friends except two.
I never vote for anyone. I always vote against.
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.
I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol.
If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.
There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
If a thing is worth having, it's worth cheating for.
Never give a sucker an even break.
Variant: I was driven to drink by a woman. I am forever grateful, yet I never had the good manners to thank her.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
Sleep! The most beautiful experience in life. Except drink.
The funniest thing a comedian can do is not do it.
I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.
Where there is a will, there's prosperity around the corner.
W. C. Fields, a lifetime agnostic, was discovered reading a Bible on his deathbed. ''I'm looking for a loop-hole,'' he explained.
There are only two real ways to get ahead today -- sell liquor or drink it.
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.
Children should neither be seen or heard from -- ever again.
The only thing a lawyer won't question is the legitimacy of his mother.
Marriage is better than leprosy only because it's easier to get rid of.
The income tax was devised to give lawyers and certified public accountants business. Few persons can make head, tail, or middle out of it. Einstein admitted he couldn't.
The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
I've been on a 46-year diet of olives and alcohol. The latter I consume. The former I save and use over again in more alcohol. In my lifetime, I imagine, I have consumed at least $200,000 worth of whisky.
Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.
All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia.
I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.
I'm searching for loopholes.
I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
I must have a drink of breakfast.
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.
Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.
If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.
I drink therefore I am.
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
It was a marriage of convenience, as my father had a blister on his big toe and couldn't travel far to find a girl.
I'm looking for loopholes.
I'm looking for loopholes. (Said when caught reading the Bible.).
How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil'ss Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon -- and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.
The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his .
The first thing any comedian does on getting an unscheduled laugh is to verify the state of his buttons.