The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.
Existence for eternity could get a little boring... especially towards the end.
Never shoot up in the air when you're standing under it.
All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
All literature is a footnote to Faust. I have no idea what I mean by that.
Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe.
It required bandaging.
I like writing. It keeps my mind off grim subjects. It's therapeutic in the same way a patient in an institution is given fingerpaints.
The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
I would never wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member.
I heard that Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysenery.
I always thought it would be very funny if I was a blind film director.
Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.
Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain -- and this is a chance for something special.
I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
Once the movie's over, there's not much point. When the thing is edited, mixed, and color-corrected, and you've finished it... In my case, I never read anything about it, I never think about it.
And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.
He's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something.
I have a hyper-active imagination, my mind tends to jump around a little, and I have some trouble between fantasy and reality.
I'd rather hurt Lee a little, than
With me; it's just a genetic dissatisfaction with everything.
Change is almost always negative. Things degenerate.
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
He's a politician. That's a notch below child molester.
Fantasy is only a state of mind that you can employ when existing in a real context.
God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.
I should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her.
You look up after many years and you find that a film has become a classic because it's meaningful to people and alive, decade after decade.
Is old age really so terrible? Not if you've brushed your teeth faithfully.
You can't anticipate in the room the riches of what you encounter when you're location hunting for a movie.
Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.
I read ‘War and Peace' in 20 minutes," he says. "It's about Russia."
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Once munching has begun, Schopenhauer held, the human will cannot resist further munching, and the result is a universe with crumbs over everything.
When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
In life, one is entitled to a side dish of either coleslaw or potato salad, and the choice must be made in terror, with the knowledge that not only is our time on earth limited but most kitchens close at ten.
Cynicism is reality with an alternate spelling.
If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.
Honey! Bring down a copy of my will -- and an eraser!
Psychoanalyses is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano.
I write about what I want to write about, and so the film comes out as a very personal expression even if its subject matter is totally prefabricated.
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
I've never dated a fictional character before. The closest I ever came was an Italian.
My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.
I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
I want to return to the womb, anyone's.
Reality may not be the best of all possible worlds, but it's still the only place where you can get a decent steak.
But it was I -- yes I -- who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
One man starving puts a crimp in my evening.
You make films whether they're dramas or comedies about neurotic people. Flawed people. Interesting personality traits. To make them about calm, stable untroubled people isn't interesting.
For some reason it gives people pleasure to equate the life of certain movie actors or actresses with their actual lives.
Take the money and run.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
The most expensive sex is free sex.
Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh Hefner's mansion.
Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.
Isn't all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed?
I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.
I'm a terrible musician. While the band members are great, I'm tolerated and affectionately regarded because I do movies, but if I had to make my living as a musician I would starve. I'm like a Sunday tennis player.
Taste my tuna casserole -- tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.
There are three things Jewish people worship-God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.
I am two with nature.
I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.
I'm awash in self-contempt!
I don't like to meet the actor and have a lot of conferences and talk about their sub-life and their off-screen life and their back stories and all that nonsense, because it never means anything.
I work all the time because it's a great distraction and it keeps me from sitting home and obsessing morbidly.
I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.
Sex on Twitter can't hurt you -- unless you fall off.
Eternity is really long, especially near the end.
Show business is dog eat dog. It's worse than dog eat dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.
A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no.'
I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.
For some reason I'm more appreciated in France than I am back home. The subtitles must be incredibly good.
If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
The meaning of life is that nobody knows the meaning of life.
My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.
In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.
He never made the ten-most-wanted list. It's very unfair voting. It's who you know.
I feel about New York as a child whose father is a bank robber. Not perfect, but I still love him.
Just don't take any class where you have to read Beowulf.
They were doing the Dying Swan at the ballet. And there was a rumor that some bookmarkers had drifted into town from upstate New York and that they had fixed the bullet. There was a lot of money bet on the swan to live.
The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.
Hey listen -- I've proved a lot of things. That's how I pay my rent. Theories and little observations. A puckish remark now and then. Occasional maxims. It beats picking olives, but let's not get carried away.
I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.
Marriage is the death of hope.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I've always believed that thoughtful people don't really take the tabloids seriously. They're basically a form of entertainment. I enjoy them as much as the next New Yorker.
There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
I wish my parents had raised me in Manhattan because I think it's the greatest thing you can do for a kid is to raise them in New York City. I can see this with my own children.
Achilles only had an Achilles heel, I have an entire Achilles body.
But what if everyone in the world behaved like me and came here and shot Brisseau through the ear? What a mess! And of course we'd need valet parking.
And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have,
instead of what you don't have.
There is dignity in suffering; nobility in pain; but failure is a salted wound, that burns and burns again!
Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.
This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?
The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.
Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?
I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
Man was made in God's image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?
Man cannot live by bread alone. Every once in awhile he needs a salad.
I don't like theatrical actors and actresses. I like people that talk like real human beings.
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7," it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.
It's all through the actors; I cannot write in that idiom.
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
You can't ride two horses with one behind.
That's the way I feel about the world: there are certain problems that can only be dealt with that way -- going out and doing them. As ugly a truth as that is, I do think it's the truth about the world.
I think I've gotten technically better over the years but you'd have to be a fool not to. I've made so many movies that by sheer quantity you get better at the technique.
Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
You mellow too much you ripen and rot.
Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing 'Embraceable You' in spats.
All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years -- it's all tripe.
All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I'm driving a used car.
I sued American Apparel because they calculatingly took my name, my likeness and image and used them publicly to promote their business.
I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.
I see the glass half full...but of poison.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Some of the best memories of my childhood that I have are the times that I played hooky from school so I could spend my days in the public library reading all the wonderful books at my disposal.
I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.
The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.
In the event of war, I'm a hostage.
I don't want to live forever through my work. I want to live forever by not dying.
Showing up is 80 percent of life.
I'd always wanted to be a dramatic. Comedy comes more naturally to me. I can do it with more facility. So I feel more comfortable with it.
The dictatorship is shut up, democracy is always concerned.
I consider myself a completely lucky filmmaker. I've had nothing but good luck. Everything I've needed has come my way.
I can't even make a leap of faith to believe in my own existence.
That's one of the nice things about writing, or any art; if the thing's real, it just lives.
I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.
All i have in my life is my imagination.
I never wanted to or expected to make a film outside of New York. New York became very, very expensive. The same $18 million spent in Barcelona or Rome goes much further there.
Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.
I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.
I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.
All men fear death. It's a natural fear that consumes us all. We fear death because we feel that we haven't loved well enough or loved at all, which ultimately are one and the same.
I can't express anger. I grow a tumor instead.
I've had a very productive life. I've worked very hard, I've never fallen prey to depression. I'm not sure I could have done all of that without being in psychoanalysis.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.
A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men.
I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.
I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!
In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee.
Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
Our love, our love will last forever. It's forever but it just doesn't work. That's why it will always be romantic because it can not be complete.
I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
It's funny. Maria Elena and I, we are meant for each other and not meant for each other, it's a contradiction.
There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure.
Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
Beautiful, funny, smart, sexual, and also neurotic? It's like filling an inside straight.
The universe is haphazard, morally neutral, and unimaginably violent.
The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
You always think another time would have been ideal for you ... the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.
Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
The audience goes to sleep really quickly! If you have a slight pause at the wrong time, that's it!
Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket.
He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.
Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.
There have been times when I've thought about it -- but with my luck it would probably turn out to be only a temporary solution.
I think universal harmony is a pipedream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodeling.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
And Nietzche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we're going to live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.
I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion.... but it won't get much sleep.
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I've been escaping my whole life. Since I was a little child, I escaped into the movies on the other side as an audience member. I escaped by going into the movies and sitting in the movies all day long.
Heaven knows, we all make mistakes. That's life -- and chess.
I believe in God, Miriam. I know it. Because, without God the world is a cesspool.
Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.
Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.
We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices.
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.
The only love that lasts is unrequited love.
Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
My heart says one thing. My head says another. Very hard to get your heart and head together in life.
As the author you know how you want it to appear on screen and it's always the content dictating the form.
The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.
It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.
Subjectivity is objective.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
We stand at a crossroads. One path leads to despair, the other to destruction. Let's hope we make the right choice.
One of the interesting things is, the most gifted people, the biggest people, have no problem taking small roles.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
My grandfather had a wonderful funeral... On the buffet table there was a replica of the deceased in potato salad.
Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either.
People always ask me, Do you ever think you'll wake up one morning and not be funny? That thought would never occur to me -- it's an odd thought and not realistic. Because funny and me are not separate. We're one.
Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it!
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.
The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup?
No matter what the shrinks, or the pundits, or the self-help books tell you, when it comes to love, it's luck.
The prettiest women are almost always the most boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.
Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.
Suddenly, one day, out of nowhere, an enormous abyss opened up beneath our feet and I was staring into a face I didn't recognize.
Ads answered out of desperation in the New York Review of Books proved equally futile as…the 'Bay Area Bisexual' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.
Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.
I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.
Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.
Love is too weak a word for what I feel -- I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.
I think there is too much wrong with the world to ever get too relaxed and happy. The more natural state, and the better one, I think, is one of some anxiety and tension over man's plight in this mysterious universe.
This sounds so bleak when I say it, but we need some delusions to keep us going. And the people who successfully delude themselves seem happier than the people who can't.
When we lose twenty pounds. We may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.
A general philosophy of the female characters in my films is they all want something to believe in, and not having anything.
It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.
Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.
Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.
Writing is great because in the writing you never have to... First of all you never have to leave your home. And you never have to meet the test of reality when you're writing.
If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?
Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things.
Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.
Some men are heterosexual and some men are bisexual and some men don't think about sex at all ... you know, they become lawyers.
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
slept better, Cloquet thought, while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking
hours much more.
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
I'd like to make a great movie. I've made many movies. I think I've made some good movies, but I never felt I've made a great movie.
I carry a bullet in my breast pocket. Once, a crazy evangelist threw a bible at me, which would have gone through my heart if it wasn't for the bullet.
If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic.
In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.
If I could only see one miracle, just one miracle. Like a burning bush, or the seas part, or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.
I have one last request. Don't use embalming fluid on me; I want to be stuffed with crab meat.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
New York is my home and I have a particular fondness for it. I think it's a place where you can generate any kind of story wonderfully. But I also would be very happy to make a film in Paris or Rome.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
I don't get depressed; I grow a tumor instead.
Sentence structure is innate, but whining is acquired.
I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should stay married for life, like pigeons and Catholics.
Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
How wrong Emily Dickinson was! Hope is not "the thing with feathers." The thing with feathers has turned out to be my nephew. I must take him to a specialist in Zurich.
We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.
Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful; provided you get between the right man and the right woman.
Bullshit french post-war rationalizing.
Until you've been kissed on a rainy Parisian afternoon -- you've never been kissed.
I don't believe in competition for artistic things. I just like the atmosphere of the Cannes festival. I don't want to win anything or lose anything.
Your still searching for me in every woman. You'll always seek to duplicate what we had. You know it.
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
Even if God exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him.
Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
People always tease me. They say, look at you, you went for so much psychoanalysis and you're so neurotic, you wind up marrying a girl so much younger than you.
Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
Should I marry W? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name. And what about her career? How can I ask a woman of her beauty to give up the Roller Derby? Decisions.
A stockbroker is someone who invests other people's money until it is all gone.
I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.
I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.
I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me.
As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
I cannot say for certain that God does not exist; I think the worst thing that can be said about him is that he's a bit of an underachiever.
I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case.
I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
I like broad comedy. If I had an idea tomorrow for a film that was all slapstick and broad comedy, and it was an idea that interested me, I would not hesitate to do it because I enjoy watching these kinds of film.
In California, they don't throw their garbage away -- they make it into TV shows.
Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.
I read in self-defense.
Believing would be easier if God would show himself by depositing a million dollars in a Swiss bank account in my name.
When I was a young man, my friends and I and all of us in New York were very influenced by French cinema. French cinema played an enormous influence on those of us who wanted to be filmmakers.
Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.
Side Effects Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend. Woody Allen Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.
It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
I know of only six genuine comic geniuses in movie history; Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Groucho Marx and Harpo Marx, Peter Sellers, and W.C. Fields.
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer. Not to love is to suffer.
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.
The best things in life are censored.
Music has always helped my films. In 'The Curse Of The Jade Scorpion,' you can hear 'Sunrise' by Glenn Miller, an idol of my childhood, in the surprise ending. I like mixing comedy with suspense and action.
No Matter what you do there will be critics.
A "Bay Area Bisexual" told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.
Manute Bol is so skinny they save money on road trips. They just fax him from city to city.
His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
I'm a nice person! I have healthy life drives and goals! I don't drink, I don't smoke. I would never force myself sexually on a blind person!
Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.