Inspiration and wisdom from divine felines

375 Inspiring Quotes by Woody Allen

  • Last updated Jul 26 2021

Welcome to our collection of quotes by Woody Allen.

Wikipedia Summary for Woody Allen

Woody Allen (born Allan Stewart Konigsberg; December 1, 1935) is an American film director, writer, actor, and comedian whose career spans more than six decades and multiple Academy Award-winning films. He began his career as a comedy writer on Sid Caesar's comedy variety program Your Show of Shows, working alongside Mel Brooks, Carl Reiner, Larry Gelbart and Neil Simon. He also began writing material for television, published several books featuring short stories, and writing humor pieces for The New Yorker. In the early 1960s, he performed as a stand-up comedian in Greenwich Village alongside Lenny Bruce, Elaine May, Mike Nichols, and Joan Rivers. There he developed a monologue style (rather than traditional jokes), and the persona of an insecure, intellectual, fretful nebbish. He released three comedy albums during the mid to late 1960s, earning a Grammy Award nomination for his 1964 comedy album entitled simply, Woody Allen. In 2004 Comedy Central ranked Allen fourth on a list of the 100 greatest stand-up comedians, while a UK survey ranked Allen the third-greatest comedian.

By the mid-1960s Allen was writing and directing films, first specializing in slapstick comedies such as Take the Money and Run (1969), Bananas (1971), Sleeper (1973), and Love and Death (1975), before moving into dramatic material influenced by European art cinema during the late 1970s with Interiors (1978), Manhattan (1979) and Stardust Memories (1980), and alternating between comedies and dramas to the present. Allen is often identified as part of the New Hollywood wave of filmmakers of the mid-1960s to late 1970s such as Martin Scorsese, Robert Altman, and Sidney Lumet. He often stars in his films, typically in the persona he developed as a standup. His film Annie Hall (1977), a romantic comedy featuring Allen and his frequent collaborator Diane Keaton, won four Academy Awards, including Best Picture, Best Director, Best Original Screenplay, and Best Actress for Keaton. Critics have called his work from the 1980s his most developed period. His films include Zelig (1983), Broadway Danny Rose (1984), The Purple Rose of Cairo (1985), Hannah and Her Sisters (1986), Radio Days (1987), Another Woman (1988), and Crimes and Misdemeanors (1989). In the 21st century many of Allen’s films have been set and shot in Europe, including Match Point (2005), Vicky Cristina Barcelona (2008), and Midnight in Paris (2011). Allen returned to America gaining acclaim for Blue Jasmine (2013) and Cafe Society (2016).

In 1979, Allen began a professional and personal relationship with actress Mia Farrow, and over a decade-long period they collaborated on 13 films. They separated after Allen began a relationship with Mia's and Andre Previn's adopted daughter Soon-Yi Previn. During the separation, Allen was publicly accused of sexually abusing his daughter, the seven-year-old Dylan. The allegation gained substantive media attention, but Allen was never charged or prosecuted, and vehemently denied the allegation. He married Soon-Yi in 1997, and they adopted two children.

Critic Roger Ebert described Allen as "a treasure of the cinema". Allen has received many accolades and honors. He has received the most nominations for the Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay, with 16. He has won four Academy Awards, one for Best Director, and three for Best Original Screenplay. He also garnered nine British Academy Film Awards. In 1997, Allen was awarded the BAFTA Fellowship by the British Academy of Film and Television Arts. In 2014 he received the Golden Globe Cecil B. DeMille Award for Lifetime Achievement and a Tony Award nomination for Best Book of a Musical for Bullets over Broadway. The Writers Guild of America named his screenplay for Annie Hall first on its list of the "101 Funniest Screenplays". In 2011 PBS televised the film biography Woody Allen: A Documentary on its series American Masters.

silhouette photo of mountain during night time

The good people sleep much better at night than the bad people. Of course, the bad people enjoy the waking hours much more.

--Woody Allen

man and woman kissing

Existence for eternity could get a little boring... especially towards the end.

--Woody Allen

brown rocky mountain under blue sky during daytime

Never shoot up in the air when you're standing under it.

--Woody Allen



sunset

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

--Woody Allen

white and blue ice on water

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

--Woody Allen

Texas buildings

All literature is a footnote to Faust. I have no idea what I mean by that.

--Woody Allen

gray hummingbird

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.

--Woody Allen


galaxy wallpaper

Please forgive me. My pedicurist had a stroke. She fell forward onto the orange stick and plunged it into my toe.
It required bandaging.

--Woody Allen

Arizona landscape rocks

I like writing. It keeps my mind off grim subjects. It's therapeutic in the same way a patient in an institution is given fingerpaints.

--Woody Allen

brown grass field during daytime

The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

--Woody Allen

silhouette of person wearing cowboy hat during sunset

I would never wanna belong to any club that would have someone like me for a member.

--Woody Allen

assorted books on wooden table

I heard that Commentary and Dissent had merged and formed Dysenery.

--Woody Allen

mountains under white mist at daytime

I always thought it would be very funny if I was a blind film director.

--Woody Allen

river painting

Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.

--Woody Allen



cluster of stars in the sky

Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain -- and this is a chance for something special.

--Woody Allen

man in white and black button up shirt holding lighted candle

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

--Woody Allen

bird in the sky

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

--Woody Allen

blue sky

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

--Woody Allen

flowers beside yellow wall

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

--Woody Allen

pink and yellow flower painting

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

--Woody Allen

mountains under orange kies

Once the movie's over, there's not much point. When the thing is edited, mixed, and color-corrected, and you've finished it... In my case, I never read anything about it, I never think about it.

--Woody Allen

Arizona landscape rain

And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.

--Woody Allen

white wooden dock on white sand

He's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something.

--Woody Allen


silhouette of stones during golden hour

I have a hyper-active imagination, my mind tends to jump around a little, and I have some trouble between fantasy and reality.

--Woody Allen

Milky way in nature photography

I'd rather hurt Lee a little, than
destroy Hannah.

--Woody Allen


sunset

With me; it's just a genetic dissatisfaction with everything.

--Woody Allen

selective focus photography of sunflower

Change is almost always negative. Things degenerate.

--Woody Allen

two persons holding each other hands

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

--Woody Allen

forest and body of water

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

--Woody Allen

silhouette of mountain during sunset

He's a politician. That's a notch below child molester.

--Woody Allen

silhouette of person wearing cowboy hat during sunset

Fantasy is only a state of mind that you can employ when existing in a real context.

--Woody Allen

boat on sea far away from island

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

--Woody Allen

purple flowers under sunny sky

I should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her.

--Woody Allen

None

You look up after many years and you find that a film has become a classic because it's meaningful to people and alive, decade after decade.

--Woody Allen

palm trees covered with fog

Is old age really so terrible? Not if you've brushed your teeth faithfully.

--Woody Allen

milky way wallpaper

You can't anticipate in the room the riches of what you encounter when you're location hunting for a movie.

--Woody Allen

leafless tree

Sex and death. Two things that come but once in my lifetime, but at least after death you're not nauseous.

--Woody Allen

person sitting on black surface looking to sky

I read ‘War and Peace' in 20 minutes," he says. "It's about Russia."

--Woody Allen




aerial shot of road surrounded by green trees

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

--Woody Allen

rock formation in body of water

Once munching has begun, Schopenhauer held, the human will cannot resist further munching, and the result is a universe with crumbs over everything.

--Woody Allen

multicolored heart LED light on wall

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

--Woody Allen

leafless tree under gray sky

In life, one is entitled to a side dish of either coleslaw or potato salad, and the choice must be made in terror, with the knowledge that not only is our time on earth limited but most kitchens close at ten.

--Woody Allen

pink and white flowers on white surface

Cynicism is reality with an alternate spelling.

--Woody Allen

brown, black, and white butterfly on purple petaled flower photo

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

--Woody Allen

black and white butterfly on green leaf

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will -- and an eraser!

--Woody Allen

white flowers

Psychoanalyses is like music lessons, for 5 years you do not notice any progress and suddenly you can play the piano.

--Woody Allen


black and yellow wall sconce

I write about what I want to write about, and so the film comes out as a very personal expression even if its subject matter is totally prefabricated.

--Woody Allen

sunset dirt road

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

--Woody Allen

person wearing red running shoe

I've never dated a fictional character before. The closest I ever came was an Italian.

--Woody Allen

blue, yellow, and brown wall decor

My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.

--Woody Allen

green and blue chevron textile

I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.

--Woody Allen

sunset

I want to return to the womb, anyone's.

--Woody Allen

black and gray floral textile

Reality may not be the best of all possible worlds, but it's still the only place where you can get a decent steak.

--Woody Allen

silhouette of off-road car

But it was I -- yes I -- who discovered the link between excessive masturbation and entry into politics!

--Woody Allen


person holding gray leaf

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

--Woody Allen


silhouette of person wearing cowboy hat during sunset

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.

--Woody Allen


selective focus photo of iceberg on large body of water at winter

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

--Woody Allen

man and woman kissing beside body of water during daytime

One man starving puts a crimp in my evening.

--Woody Allen

sunset

You make films whether they're dramas or comedies about neurotic people. Flawed people. Interesting personality traits. To make them about calm, stable untroubled people isn't interesting.

--Woody Allen

silver round analog wall clock

For some reason it gives people pleasure to equate the life of certain movie actors or actresses with their actual lives.

--Woody Allen

flower garden

Take the money and run.

--Woody Allen

black and gray Canon AE-1 camera on gray sand under brown dock near body of water at daytime

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

--Woody Allen

dirt road to sunset

The most expensive sex is free sex.

--Woody Allen



white clouds and blue sky

Umlaut snaps around and we cut to a blond apparition in her early twenties, clearly descended from Olympus by way of Hugh Hefner's mansion.

--Woody Allen

grassland landscape

Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.

--Woody Allen


flat lay photography teacup on top of saucer

Isn't all mankind ultimately executed for a crime it never committed?

--Woody Allen


flowers beside yellow wall

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

--Woody Allen

None

I'm a terrible musician. While the band members are great, I'm tolerated and affectionately regarded because I do movies, but if I had to make my living as a musician I would starve. I'm like a Sunday tennis player.

--Woody Allen

man raising arms between greenfield

Taste my tuna casserole -- tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.

--Woody Allen


black bird flying on white background

There are three things Jewish people worship-God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.

--Woody Allen

mountain hills under blue sky

I am two with nature.

--Woody Allen

green trees in between gray concrete road

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

--Woody Allen

brown and white short coated dog lying on white surface

I'm awash in self-contempt!

--Woody Allen

blue, yellow, and purple starry sky during nighttime

I don't like to meet the actor and have a lot of conferences and talk about their sub-life and their off-screen life and their back stories and all that nonsense, because it never means anything.

--Woody Allen


black textile in close up photography

I work all the time because it's a great distraction and it keeps me from sitting home and obsessing morbidly.

--Woody Allen

woman in brown long sleeve shirt and blue denim jeans

I'm afraid of the dark,and suspicious of the light.

--Woody Allen

green trees

Sex on Twitter can't hurt you -- unless you fall off.

--Woody Allen

sunset woman at beach

Eternity is really long, especially near the end.

--Woody Allen

mountains covered with fog

Show business is dog eat dog. It's worse than dog eat dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.

--Woody Allen

red textile on brown wooden table

A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no.'

--Woody Allen

green mountain ]

I'm at the stage of life when if a girl says no to me I'm profoundly grateful to her.

--Woody Allen


black Corona typewriter on brown wood planks

For some reason I'm more appreciated in France than I am back home. The subtitles must be incredibly good.

--Woody Allen


orange petaled flowers

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

--Woody Allen

flat lay photography of several hanging ornaments

The meaning of life is that nobody knows the meaning of life.

--Woody Allen


lion on green grass during golden hour

My grandfather was a very insignificant man, actually. At his funeral his hearse followed the other cars.

--Woody Allen

snow covered mountain under blue sky

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

--Woody Allen

low-angle photo of white daisy

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

--Woody Allen

pink and white abstract painting

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

--Woody Allen

yellow flower in green grass field

He never made the ten-most-wanted list. It's very unfair voting. It's who you know.

--Woody Allen

gray concrete surface

I feel about New York as a child whose father is a bank robber. Not perfect, but I still love him.

--Woody Allen


man in white and black button up shirt holding lighted candle

Just don't take any class where you have to read Beowulf.

--Woody Allen

None

They were doing the Dying Swan at the ballet. And there was a rumor that some bookmarkers had drifted into town from upstate New York and that they had fixed the bullet. There was a lot of money bet on the swan to live.

--Woody Allen


white ceramic mug with coffee on brown wooden table

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

--Woody Allen

None

Hey listen -- I've proved a lot of things. That's how I pay my rent. Theories and little observations. A puckish remark now and then. Occasional maxims. It beats picking olives, but let's not get carried away.

--Woody Allen

high-angle photography of mountain at sunset

I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.

--Woody Allen

sunset

Marriage is the death of hope.

--Woody Allen


photo of clear sky full of stars

It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

--Woody Allen

purple lavender flower

I've always believed that thoughtful people don't really take the tabloids seriously. They're basically a form of entertainment. I enjoy them as much as the next New Yorker.

--Woody Allen

Arizona landscape pines

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

--Woody Allen

pink and white abstract painting

I wish my parents had raised me in Manhattan because I think it's the greatest thing you can do for a kid is to raise them in New York City. I can see this with my own children.

--Woody Allen

man riding on boat on body of water

Achilles only had an Achilles heel, I have an entire Achilles body.

--Woody Allen

None

But what if everyone in the world behaved like me and came here and shot Brisseau through the ear? What a mess! And of course we'd need valet parking.

--Woody Allen

silhouette of off-road car

And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

--Woody Allen

sunset

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

--Woody Allen

gray concrete surface

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have,
instead of what you don't have.

--Woody Allen


yellow flower field near bare trees during daytime

There is dignity in suffering; nobility in pain; but failure is a salted wound, that burns and burns again!

--Woody Allen

red strawberry fruit on red surface

Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors.

--Woody Allen

yellow bee beside purple petaled flower during daytime

This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?

--Woody Allen

body of water under clear blue sky painting

The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.

--Woody Allen

foggy mountain summit

Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?

--Woody Allen


silhouette photo of aurora borealis

I have bad reflexes. I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

--Woody Allen

empty brown concrete stairs beside green grass under starry sky long-exposure photography

Man was made in God's image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?

--Woody Allen

elephants on green grass field during daytime

Man cannot live by bread alone. Every once in awhile he needs a salad.

--Woody Allen

green ceramic mug on wooden desk

I don't like theatrical actors and actresses. I like people that talk like real human beings.

--Woody Allen



toddlers standing outdoors

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7," it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

--Woody Allen


black fishes

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

--Woody Allen


mountain summit during sunset

It's all through the actors; I cannot write in that idiom.

--Woody Allen

galaxy wallpaper

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

--Woody Allen




green lizard

You can't ride two horses with one behind.

--Woody Allen

sea during daytime

That's the way I feel about the world: there are certain problems that can only be dealt with that way -- going out and doing them. As ugly a truth as that is, I do think it's the truth about the world.

--Woody Allen

red textile on brown wooden table

I think I've gotten technically better over the years but you'd have to be a fool not to. I've made so many movies that by sheer quantity you get better at the technique.

--Woody Allen

withered tree surrounded with snow during daytime

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

--Woody Allen

four wooden boat on teal sea

You mellow too much you ripen and rot.

--Woody Allen

sun

Of all the wonders of nature, a tree in summer is perhaps the most remarkable; with the possible exception of a moose singing 'Embraceable You' in spats.

--Woody Allen

person in blue denim jeans and brown leather boots

All the crap they tell you about... getting joy and having a kind of wisdom in your golden years -- it's all tripe.

--Woody Allen

close-up photography of heart shaped fairy lite on brown sand

All my life is passing in front of my eyes. The worst part of it is I'm driving a used car.

--Woody Allen

sunset

I sued American Apparel because they calculatingly took my name, my likeness and image and used them publicly to promote their business.

--Woody Allen

photo of brown parquet

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

--Woody Allen

white board beside pencil and tape

I see the glass half full...but of poison.

--Woody Allen


time lapse photography of lightning during storm

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

--Woody Allen

blue textile with blue background

Some of the best memories of my childhood that I have are the times that I played hooky from school so I could spend my days in the public library reading all the wonderful books at my disposal.

--Woody Allen


purple petaled flower on gray surface

I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.

--Woody Allen

silhouette of kneeling man

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.

--Woody Allen

pink tree

In the event of war, I'm a hostage.

--Woody Allen

tilt shift lens pink fetal flowers

I don't want to live forever through my work. I want to live forever by not dying.

--Woody Allen

person with blue paint on hand

Showing up is 80 percent of life.

--Woody Allen

bird on pier

I'd always wanted to be a dramatic. Comedy comes more naturally to me. I can do it with more facility. So I feel more comfortable with it.

--Woody Allen

brown mountain on body of water

The dictatorship is shut up, democracy is always concerned.

--Woody Allen

man in blue jacket and blue pants carrying black and red backpack standing on snow covered

I consider myself a completely lucky filmmaker. I've had nothing but good luck. Everything I've needed has come my way.

--Woody Allen

blue sky

I can't even make a leap of faith to believe in my own existence.

--Woody Allen

Arizona landscape

That's one of the nice things about writing, or any art; if the thing's real, it just lives.

--Woody Allen

person shadow boxing grayscale

I asked the girl if she could bring a sister for me. She did. Sister Maria Teresa. It was a very slow evening. We discussed the New Testament. We agreed that He was very well adjusted for an only child.

--Woody Allen


four wooden boat on teal sea

All i have in my life is my imagination.

--Woody Allen

coffee mug on top of tablecloth beside ashtray

I never wanted to or expected to make a film outside of New York. New York became very, very expensive. The same $18 million spent in Barcelona or Rome goes much further there.

--Woody Allen

red rose

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him, 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.

--Woody Allen

tree and ranchhouse

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know. Kissinger taught there.

--Woody Allen

pink concrete wall during daytime

I got a divorce because my ex-wife left me for another woman.

--Woody Allen

silhouette of pine trees photo

I wonder if Socrates and Plato took a house on Crete during the summer.

--Woody Allen

white wall paint with black line

All men fear death. It's a natural fear that consumes us all. We fear death because we feel that we haven't loved well enough or loved at all, which ultimately are one and the same.

--Woody Allen

bonfire near mountain

I can't express anger. I grow a tumor instead.

--Woody Allen

yellow painted wall

I've had a very productive life. I've worked very hard, I've never fallen prey to depression. I'm not sure I could have done all of that without being in psychoanalysis.

--Woody Allen

grayscale photography of mountain surrounded by trees

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.

--Woody Allen

brown sands

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men.
I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

--Woody Allen

green moss on brown tree trunk

I ran into Isosceles. He had a great idea for a new triangle!

--Woody Allen


yellow, orange, red, green, and blue abstract painting

In a relationship, it is better to be the leaver than the leavee.

--Woody Allen

shoreline during golden hour

Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.

--Woody Allen


white and black floral textile

Our love, our love will last forever. It's forever but it just doesn't work. That's why it will always be romantic because it can not be complete.

--Woody Allen



mountains under starry sky during nighttime

I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

--Woody Allen

None

It's funny. Maria Elena and I, we are meant for each other and not meant for each other, it's a contradiction.

--Woody Allen


blue wallpaper

There's nothing wrong with you that a little Prozac and a polo mallet can't cure.

--Woody Allen

lion on green grass during golden hour

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

--Woody Allen

two women making peace sign near the Golden Gate bridge

Beautiful, funny, smart, sexual, and also neurotic? It's like filling an inside straight.

--Woody Allen


boy and cat in front of moon

The universe is haphazard, morally neutral, and unimaginably violent.

--Woody Allen

man in blue tank top holding green and black skateboard

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

--Woody Allen

stars across the sky view at the desert

You always think another time would have been ideal for you ... the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.

--Woody Allen

time lapse photography body of water

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

--Woody Allen

castle surrounded fog

The audience goes to sleep really quickly! If you have a slight pause at the wrong time, that's it!

--Woody Allen

photo of gray elephant on grass

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.

--Woody Allen

blue and white light digital wallpaper

I came home one night, some month ago, and I went to the closet in my bedroom...and a moth ate my sports jacket.
He was laying on the floor, nauseous, y'know.

--Woody Allen

black bird flying on white background

Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's one of the best.

--Woody Allen

clear wine glass with red wine

There have been times when I've thought about it -- but with my luck it would probably turn out to be only a temporary solution.

--Woody Allen


A white stripe pattern made up of concrete facade ribs

I think universal harmony is a pipedream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodeling.

--Woody Allen

water droplets on green leaf

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

--Woody Allen


brown leaf tree facing the lake

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

--Woody Allen

brown and gray brick wall

And Nietzche, with his theory of eternal recurrence. He said that the life we lived we're going to live over again the exact same way for eternity. Great. That means I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

--Woody Allen

full moon during day

I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion.... but it won't get much sleep.

--Woody Allen

silhouette of person standing beside bare tree under stary sky

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

--Woody Allen

purple and white light illustration

I've been escaping my whole life. Since I was a little child, I escaped into the movies on the other side as an audience member. I escaped by going into the movies and sitting in the movies all day long.

--Woody Allen

flock of birds flying under blue sky during daytime

Heaven knows, we all make mistakes. That's life -- and chess.

--Woody Allen

orange moon during nighttime

I believe in God, Miriam. I know it. Because, without God the world is a cesspool.

--Woody Allen

bird in the sky

Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.

--Woody Allen


lake beside green pine trees

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.

--Woody Allen



shallow focus photography of red flower

We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices.

--Woody Allen

shallow focus photography of condenser microphone

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

--Woody Allen


trees beside body of water distant from mountain

My analyst warned me, but you were so beautiful I got another analyst.

--Woody Allen

landscape photography of trees

The only love that lasts is unrequited love.

--Woody Allen

None

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

--Woody Allen

Arizona landscape pines

My heart says one thing. My head says another. Very hard to get your heart and head together in life.

--Woody Allen

milky way wallpaper

As the author you know how you want it to appear on screen and it's always the content dictating the form.

--Woody Allen

man in white and black button up shirt holding lighted candle

The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

--Woody Allen

fawn pug lying on floor

It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.

--Woody Allen

man in gray shirt and blue denim jeans sitting on gray rock near green tree during

Subjectivity is objective.

--Woody Allen

man in black bubble hoodie looking at the stars

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

--Woody Allen


black and white bird on seashore

We stand at a crossroads. One path leads to despair, the other to destruction. Let's hope we make the right choice.

--Woody Allen

black dragonfly perched on green grass in close up photography during daytime

One of the interesting things is, the most gifted people, the biggest people, have no problem taking small roles.

--Woody Allen

green trees on brown dried leaves during daytime

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

--Woody Allen


city lights from hill

My grandfather had a wonderful funeral... On the buffet table there was a replica of the deceased in potato salad.

--Woody Allen

old cowboy boots

Life is hard for insects. And don't think mice are having any fun either.

--Woody Allen


purple flowered hedge plants

People always ask me, Do you ever think you'll wake up one morning and not be funny? That thought would never occur to me -- it's an odd thought and not realistic. Because funny and me are not separate. We're one.

--Woody Allen

yellow flower field near mountain during daytime

Child molestation is a touchy subject... Read the papers! Half the country's doing it!

--Woody Allen


sunset

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.

--Woody Allen

silhouette of person's hands forming heart

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

--Woody Allen


brown houses in front of hill under starry night

I believe people ought to mate for life...like pigeons or Catholics.

--Woody Allen

None

The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup?

--Woody Allen


black fishes

No matter what the shrinks, or the pundits, or the self-help books tell you, when it comes to love, it's luck.

--Woody Allen

milky way wallpaper

The prettiest women are almost always the most boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God.

--Woody Allen

toddlers standing outdoors

Therefore, to be unhappy one must love, or love to suffer, or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.

--Woody Allen

green leaf

Suddenly, one day, out of nowhere, an enormous abyss opened up beneath our feet and I was staring into a face I didn't recognize.

--Woody Allen

None

Ads answered out of desperation in the New York Review of Books proved equally futile as…the 'Bay Area Bisexual' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

--Woody Allen


grayscale photo of rock formation

Better not think too much. Relying more on the body: it is more trustworthy.

--Woody Allen




brown and white bird on tree branch

I like the rain. It washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

--Woody Allen

gray concrete surface

Sex is like having dinner: sometimes you joke about the dishes, sometimes you take the meal seriously.

--Woody Allen

black Corona typewriter on brown wood planks

Love is too weak a word for what I feel -- I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.

--Woody Allen

None

I think there is too much wrong with the world to ever get too relaxed and happy. The more natural state, and the better one, I think, is one of some anxiety and tension over man's plight in this mysterious universe.

--Woody Allen


closeup photography of wall

This sounds so bleak when I say it, but we need some delusions to keep us going. And the people who successfully delude themselves seem happier than the people who can't.

--Woody Allen

white boat on sea under white sky during daytime

When we lose twenty pounds. We may be losing the twenty best pounds we have! We may be losing the pounds that contain our genius, our humanity, our love and honesty.

--Woody Allen

silhouette photo of mountain during night time

A general philosophy of the female characters in my films is they all want something to believe in, and not having anything.

--Woody Allen

tilt shift lens pink fetal flowers

It's a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.

--Woody Allen

city lights from hill

Doing abominations is against the law, particularly if the abominations are done while wearing a lobster bib.

--Woody Allen

sunset

Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.

--Woody Allen


pink cherry blossom tree under blue sky during daytime

Writing is great because in the writing you never have to... First of all you never have to leave your home. And you never have to meet the test of reality when you're writing.

--Woody Allen

fawn pug standing on textile

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.

--Woody Allen

closeup photo of bird beside purple petal flowers

How does gravity work? And if it were to cease suddenly, would certain restaurants still require a jacket?

--Woody Allen

blue and white striped textile

Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things.

--Woody Allen


white boat on sea under white sky during daytime

Oh, he was probably a member of the National Rifle Association. It was a group that helped criminals get guns so they could shoot citizens. It was a public service.

--Woody Allen

person on road at sunset

Some men are heterosexual and some men are bisexual and some men don't think about sex at all ... you know, they become lawyers.

--Woody Allen

lightning strike at night

The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.

--Woody Allen

person holding brown leaf

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

--Woody Allen

yellow and black striped background

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones
slept better, Cloquet thought, while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking
hours much more.

--Woody Allen

white textile in close up photography

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

--Woody Allen

body of water during daytime

I'd like to make a great movie. I've made many movies. I think I've made some good movies, but I never felt I've made a great movie.

--Woody Allen



person in black shoes standing on gray concrete floor

I carry a bullet in my breast pocket. Once, a crazy evangelist threw a bible at me, which would have gone through my heart if it wasn't for the bullet.

--Woody Allen


Light blue to purple gradient

If God is everywhere, I had concluded, then He is in food. Therefore, the more I ate the godlier I would become. Impelled by this new religious fervor, I glutted myself like a fanatic.

--Woody Allen


houses and trees during nighttime

In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.

--Woody Allen


yellow green leaf

If I could only see one miracle, just one miracle. Like a burning bush, or the seas part, or my uncle Sasha pick up a check.

--Woody Allen

tree frog

I have one last request. Don't use embalming fluid on me; I want to be stuffed with crab meat.

--Woody Allen

green trees under blue sky at daytime

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

--Woody Allen

brown wooden surface

New York is my home and I have a particular fondness for it. I think it's a place where you can generate any kind of story wonderfully. But I also would be very happy to make a film in Paris or Rome.

--Woody Allen

silhouette of person on top of mountain pointing flashlight on sky filled with stars at night time

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

--Woody Allen

focus photography of chick on gray ground

I don't get depressed; I grow a tumor instead.

--Woody Allen

eyeglasses in bokeh photography

Sentence structure is innate, but whining is acquired.

--Woody Allen

mountains covered with fog

I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should stay married for life, like pigeons and Catholics.

--Woody Allen


person holding white and yellow flower painting

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.

--Woody Allen

red moon at night

How wrong Emily Dickinson was! Hope is not "the thing with feathers." The thing with feathers has turned out to be my nephew. I must take him to a specialist in Zurich.

--Woody Allen


milky way wallpaper

We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

--Woody Allen


black dragonfly perched on green grass in close up photography during daytime

Sex between a man and a woman can be absolutely wonderful; provided you get between the right man and the right woman.

--Woody Allen

rocks on sea side at daytime

Bullshit french post-war rationalizing.

--Woody Allen

bonfire in forest

Until you've been kissed on a rainy Parisian afternoon -- you've never been kissed.

--Woody Allen

brown and white humming bird

I don't believe in competition for artistic things. I just like the atmosphere of the Cannes festival. I don't want to win anything or lose anything.

--Woody Allen

aerial photography of forest

Your still searching for me in every woman. You'll always seek to duplicate what we had. You know it.

--Woody Allen

black and white duck on brown wooden dock during daytime

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

--Woody Allen

None

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

--Woody Allen

boat docked near house

Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.

--Woody Allen

Arizona landscape rocks

Even if God exists, he's done such a terrible job, it's a wonder people don't get together and file a class action suit against him.

--Woody Allen

low-light photo of forest

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.

--Woody Allen

white boat on sea under white sky during daytime

People always tease me. They say, look at you, you went for so much psychoanalysis and you're so neurotic, you wind up marrying a girl so much younger than you.

--Woody Allen

photography of lake near tree

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.

--Woody Allen

blue and white abstract painting

Should I marry W? Not if she won't tell me the other letters in her name. And what about her career? How can I ask a woman of her beauty to give up the Roller Derby? Decisions.

--Woody Allen

silhouette of man standing on rock while looking in sky

A stockbroker is someone who invests other people's money until it is all gone.

--Woody Allen

group of camels walking on desert lake at daytime

I took a puff of the wrong cigarette at a fraternity dance once, and the cops had to get me, y'know. I broke two teeth trying to give a hickie to the Statue of Liberty.

--Woody Allen

yellow green leaf

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.

--Woody Allen

close-up photo of two men shaking hands near beach at sunset

I've often said, the only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

--Woody Allen

sunset

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

--Woody Allen

photo of mountains

I cannot say for certain that God does not exist; I think the worst thing that can be said about him is that he's a bit of an underachiever.

--Woody Allen

moon near mountain ridge

I don't believe in an afterlife, but I'm taking an extra pair of underwear just in case.

--Woody Allen

moon near mountain ridge

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I really want to do is French-kiss her.

--Woody Allen

None

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

--Woody Allen

blue sky and white clouds

I like broad comedy. If I had an idea tomorrow for a film that was all slapstick and broad comedy, and it was an idea that interested me, I would not hesitate to do it because I enjoy watching these kinds of film.

--Woody Allen

man in black shirt wearing cowboy hat

In California, they don't throw their garbage away -- they make it into TV shows.

--Woody Allen


silhouette photo of trees during night time

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

--Woody Allen


macro photography of green bird on tree branch

I read in self-defense.

--Woody Allen

photo of pine trees

Believing would be easier if God would show himself by depositing a million dollars in a Swiss bank account in my name.

--Woody Allen





white wall paint with black shadow

When I was a young man, my friends and I and all of us in New York were very influenced by French cinema. French cinema played an enormous influence on those of us who wanted to be filmmakers.

--Woody Allen

blue sky with white clouds

Am I my brother's keeper? Yes. Interestingly, in my case, I share that honor with the Prospect Park Zoo.

--Woody Allen


Arizona landscape rocks

Side Effects Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on the weekend. Woody Allen Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

--Woody Allen


brown and gray floral textile

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get the money to make it into a concept, and later turn it into an idea.

--Woody Allen


green trees beside body of water during daytime

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

--Woody Allen



green pine trees near mountain under blue sky during daytime

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety.

--Woody Allen

white brick wall

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

--Woody Allen

white and gray floral bed sheet

I know of only six genuine comic geniuses in movie history; Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Groucho Marx and Harpo Marx, Peter Sellers, and W.C. Fields.

--Woody Allen

pink and white light illustration

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer. Not to love is to suffer.

--Woody Allen

Longer Version:

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering, one must not love. But then, one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be happy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness.


pink and white flowers in tilt shift lens

The best things in life are censored.

--Woody Allen

full moon in the sky

Music has always helped my films. In 'The Curse Of The Jade Scorpion,' you can hear 'Sunrise' by Glenn Miller, an idol of my childhood, in the surprise ending. I like mixing comedy with suspense and action.

--Woody Allen

three women sitting on rock near body of water

No Matter what you do there will be critics.

--Woody Allen


sunset

A "Bay Area Bisexual" told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

--Woody Allen

green trees in between gray concrete road

Manute Bol is so skinny they save money on road trips. They just fax him from city to city.

--Woody Allen




white and black satellite dish on brown field during night time

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

--Woody Allen

rocky mountain

I'm a nice person! I have healthy life drives and goals! I don't drink, I don't smoke. I would never force myself sexually on a blind person!

--Woody Allen

worm's eye view of trees during night time

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

--Woody Allen

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