'Baskets' isn't a CBS show. Nothing against that, but this is an off-kilter show on cable that the channel lets you do interesting things. Look, if it works, it works. And if it doesn't, it's just a miniseries.
The other day, I got a henna tattoo that says "Forever."
My dad doesn't get any of my jokes. He laughs at them, but he doesn't understand them. He's just laughing because people around him are laughing.
My name is Zach Galifianakis and I hope I'm pronouncing that right. I'm named after my granddad, my middle name. My name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.
My headshot is a scratch and sniff, it smells like failure and onions.
You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.
I think sadness and anger are really fertile ground for comedy. No one is really interested in a happy person doing comedy.
I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.
When a role seems fun it's easy to play. It kind of comes organically.
You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.
I wonder if in 2050 there will be a movie called, 'Dude, Where's My Spaceship?'
I live in Los Angeles and I had been drinking one night, so I was on the walk of fame and I saw Tony Danza's star and I started urinating on it. Just yelling out, 'Who's the boss now?'
A good stand-up, you lead the audience. You don't kowtow to the audience. Sometimes the audience is wrong. I always think the audience is wrong.
I once walked in on my grandparents making love...And that's why I don't eat raisins.
I would start a revolution, but I just bought a hammock.
It's not good for comedy to be like, 'Thanks for liking me.' Being popular is poison.
I would have changed my last name if being famous were my goal.
I can get away with anything. But when I try to be sincere, people just roll their eyes.
Have you seen that show on Lifetime about that woman...?
I do not have a helmet. But this is a wig, so it's a little protective.
I just try to keep myself a traditionalist. I liked being an underground comic doing my thing. I want to maintain that. I just do.
If you read my blog, you know I'm a pilates freak. And by pilates, I mean waffles.
My comfort zone is press conferences.
I've always wanted to have a Greek sitcom called Olive Lucy.
I want to do another reality show. It's based on The Mole. It's about sexually transmitted diseases. It's called "God, I Hope That's a Mole."
I failed kindergarten because I couldn't spell my last name.
I don't really have a pattern yet. I don't know if I'll develop one. As far as comedic integrity, I don't have integrity in general, comedic or otherwise.
I'm Greek. My body produces feta cheese.
I've always been attracted to sad. If you look at Woody Allen movies, he's often playing a sad clown, and it's always been interesting. And angry clown is even more interesting.
I don't want to do an edgy show, I didn't want bad language. I think edginess is the new hackiness.
I know my face is turning red. I don't want you to interpret it as being embarrassed. It's rage. The color of my face is rage.
The problem with these interviews is that there's no sarcastic font.
I try to write three jokes every day. I don't sit down and write them, it's just things that pop into my head. Then I'll go watch it fail onstage that night.
There was a long time where I was an 'artist' in quotes, who had no money. But I guess back then I also never had a girlfriend.
Privacy is big for me. To do interviews even, I have a very love hate with it.
I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.
As a comic, it's anti-comedy to be known. I think a lot of comedic actors get lost in this world of Hollywood and all this stuff. They lose what brought them there in the first place. I'm very trepidatious about it.
I was just thinking how unfortunate it'd be to be a fat girl named Candy.
I like dark comedies. That's why I like the Wayans Brothers.
You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.
You know it's time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker,.
I don't know what my assistant would do besides get me pot.
That show, 'The Amazing Race' -- is that about white people?
I love playing a curmudgeon. I just love playing a sour guy.
Element of surprise is really fun for me in comedy. I have to be surprised, and everything's been done.
The word abbreviation sure is long for what it means.
Whether you are on the Right or the Left, everyone can agree that there are a lot of outside influences in American politics that are not good for the system. There's just too much money.
Inappropriateness is funny to me. Rudeness is hilarious.
I haven't been hit since Leon Spinks hit me in '92.
Did you ever wake up with an erection...a nd find yourself in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"
Actually, I used to be a busboy in a strip joint in New York and so I hate strip joints. I'm not that kind of person.
When I was in high school I used to sit by myself in the cafeteria -- not necessarily by choice -- but I thought it was funny to talk to people that weren't there.
My girlfriend and I went to a dinner party the other night and we ended up playing charades. There was another couple there that was deaf. They were so good.
My real last name is Galifianakisburg.
I tend to think of myself as a one-man wolf pack.
Reciting lines is hard; making stuff up is much, much easier.